To ask if I'm being a whingy princess about this ... And what to do if I'm not

[AdaStarkadder]

Right - I've got a mate, an old friend, who I see every week or so. Half the time it's fine - we go out , chat, drink, chat, go home - no problem.

The thing that's started to piss me off, rightly or wrongly, is this ... When we're about to go our seperate ways she'll ask if I'm free on a particular day, suggest we meet up and say she'll call nearer the time to sort out the details. Then she disappears. Vanishes off Facebook and stops answering her phone so I don't know if we're doing the thing or not - sometimes she pops back up on the day and sometimes she doesn't, and the uncertanty of it all really bugs me! I don't mind being cancelled on at all - that's just life - but I'm getting to hate being left in the dark until the very last minute.

Am I BU? And WWYD if I'm not? ( I like her and don't really want to fall out, but it's getting on my nerves )

For the next couple of times, I'd just assume it's not going to happen and forget about it. If she gets back to you in good time all well and good. If she gets back to you on the day, just say that as you hadn't heard from her you've made other arrangements. A few of those and she might get the message to make a firm commitment at the time.

I'd start making plans with other friends and stop waiting around for her.

YANBU that would get right on my nerves.

Not sure why you're asking what to do though?

Surely you'll just explain that as she tends to disappear, you can't make any firm plans until she contacts you a couple of days beforehand?

Say, "I'm not sure, call me closer to the day." Then make plans as normal. If she calls, and you're free, great. If not, great.

YANBU, I would find this really annoying. You see her a lot, so you must be good friends - telling her what you've told us is the best bet. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, next time, could you say either 'Is that a definite or provisional? If it's definite, why don't we sort the plans now?'.

she'll ask if I'm free on a particular day, suggest we meet up and say she'll call nearer the time to sort out the details.

Next time she does it say no - tell her that she often fails to make contact so lets not bother setting a day now.

This wouldn't bother. I've had to re-read it a couple of times to make sure I've got the complete jist of it, though.

So basically, a date is pencilled in, with details to be confirmed on the day? I would just assume it's happening, and then would expect a text exchange on the day, or the day before.

If I was then routinely cancelled on, I'd be annoyed. But, otherwise no.

I can understand that some people might need to know the exact plan in advance and so in that case, this would be annoying. But if you both always end up sticking to the plan, albeit actual arrangements made pretty last-minute, then I don't personally see the issue.

If she gets back to you on the day, just say that as you hadn't heard from her you've made other arrangements. A few of those and she might get the message to make a firm commitment at the time.

Yes, this sounds like a good plan.

If she always, always, always converted the vague plans into real plans then it wouldn't matter so much that she went incommunicado in the meantime. But she's effectively asking you to block out the whole day on the off-chance she might fancy doing something with you and with zero regard for what you might want to do otherwise.

This is me at the moment .

I don't do it often but recently I've really wanted to do things with friends. Organised it, genuinely excited to do it, then cancelled at the last minute. I'm starting to lose friends because of it.

But behind closed doors DH has had a breakdown and gone from wonderful man to unreliable and shady. He'll agree to have DC then have a "bad day" and I'm left last minute with no childcare. Or ill organise MIL to be sure then he'll need me on a different day meaning i need to reorganise appointment / work and use up my MIL childcare. Or just genuinely feel too mentally exhausted or insecure to go out. I've decided to just not organise anything at all but that's very isolating and you lose friends anyway. It's shit!

So before dumping her ask her as a friend if there is a reason her life may be more chaotic than you know.

I hate uncertainty too, so I'm with you on that.

How often does she cancel at the last minute tho? If you're seeing her that often you must know by now if she's reliable or not.

Just tell her to play it by ear, and make plans closer to the time.

Then, if you are both still free, go ahead and do something, but don't reserve the time for her.

I can see it's annoying - but I suspect you just have different diary planning skills! I suspect she doesnt look ahead until the day comes, and then she thinks 'aggh, x tonight'.

I think you have two options:

1. Rather than making a vague plan - get her to commit more - so when you arrange, set x date and x venue in the diary. It's then her problem to cancel if she can't make it (assuming you're happy with her doing that)

1. Don't make a vague plan - tell her that it's easier if she just gets in touch when she knows she can make it. But then there's a really high risk that she isn't an organised type, and you'll end up not meeting up.

If she's a good mate - couldn't this be something you take the piss out of "Right you, every time we make a vague plan, you then go off grid, and I'm left hanging until the last minute and don't know if we're on or not. You know I always love seeing you, but I find it a hassle not knowing if we're meeting up or not until the day. What shall we do?"

I had a 'friend' who used to be like this, she'd seem excited about getting together, suggest a time and place then disappear completely, not answering phone, reply to Facebook messages etc., then she'd sometimes cancel with only one hour or two notice.

It took me a few times to realise she was actually holding off to see if a better offer came along.

Needless to say, the friendship don't last long after the first couple of times of this behaviour.

It took me a few times to realise she was actually holding off to see if a better offer came along.

This. I won't be anyone's back up plan now.

Thanks everyone ...

As I said, she's mostly fine and have known each other for donkey's years - as she works weird shifts she tends to be the one to get in touch, so she's had plenty of time to phase me out if she wanted to!

I'm going to start treating anything less than a definite time and place arrangement as no arrangement at all and see where we go from there - I think I'm hearing we will and she's meaning we could maybe if nothing else comes up