to feel constantly torn between my children?

[AlmondAmy]

I have a baby plus DDs aged 3 and 7. 7 yo is from my previous marriage but I've been with DP since she was a baby. 3 yo is undergoing assessment for ASD and has speech delay. The two older DC want me for everything and do not accept DP at all. 3 yo would rather come to the toilet with me than stay with DP. Her ASD makes it difficult to deal with as she gets upset to the point of hurting herself if he tries to deal with her. He often just takes the baby so he isn't faced with the prospect of the older two but even the baby is crying and reaching for me every time she sees me now when he has her.

DP has two weekdays off and 7 yo has after school activities on those days that last 2/3 hrs and are obviously very boring for 3 yo to watch - she'd much rather play at home but wants me there. 7 yo wants me to watch activities and needs someone there to supervise but doesn't want DP. I feel constantly like I'm having to prioritise one child or another when being in a partnership should make it easier for all dc to be catered to.

Aibu to feel this way? Anyone in a similar situation who could offer advice?

As long as your dp keeps on taking them, and is caring etc when he does, then they will accept it eventually. Kids go through phases of who they prefer. I had 3 under 3 at 1 point and my eldest has asd, it's really hard. Ds1 went through a very long phase of only wanting his dad. I pretended not to notice and cheerfully carried on looking after him.
I would take turns for everything eg 1 week dp goes with dd1 to afterschool activity and you stay with dd2, next week orday vice versa.
The kids don't get to choose between equally loving competent parents,it's unfair on all of you, they need dad time.

Do they say why they don't want dp?

Yes! I do. There is one of me and two of them. There is no dh or dp.
Sometimes they just have to get on with doing stuff that wasn't their first choice.
Sometimes the small one has to watch the big one. Buggy is useful here.
Sometimes big has to help out with small. He doesn't really mind. As long as isn't for ages!

Maybe some house rules?
The alternating idea sounded fair.
Maybe present dc1 with a choice...
1:- accept the alternate weeks thing as dp really likes watching you (club)
2:- give up club as it isn't fair on the rest of the family.
Good luck. And remember, they grow up fast. This phase shouldn't last long.

DD would rather give up the activity than have DP take her, even though she loves it. The three of them had a sickness bug last week and I had to get up to all of them because they won't accept him. 3 yo can't just get used to it - she hurts herself/runs away. 7 yo says she doesn't want him because he's bossy and disinterested. He does nag a lot but doesn't follow through if she doesn't listen and he is on his phone a lot.

Why don't they want him?

There must be a reason.

Having read your last post, I see their point.

He's your problem, not the children.

Sounds like the effort needs to come from dp. Does he like being around them? Sounds like he doesn't and they know it.

God yes. I am torn in three and really feeling it atm. The 13 year old needs me but does not want me (!) until she needs something. Often hangs with her dad as he lets her do what she wants rather than doing the nitty gritty ie homework, hygiene. 4 year old also daddy's girl, desperate for attention as still jealous of her brother and is noticeably clumsy/sensitive/immature (according to nursery). 2 year old is refusing to give up breastfeeding and hangs off my every word and boobs.
DC3 My mummy. DC2 No, my mummy. DC1 Mum, shut them up. Repeat.

My partner is a relaxed parent useless fecker. They all love him though his idea of parenting is putting Peppa friggin Pig on his mobile phone. Muggins here did the swimming, baking, walking and painting this week. But they will happily surround and accost him too...and if I say no, daddy now, they will go happily, alternating between us half the time but he can be hands-on when told Oi! Your turn. Step up. Do x, y, z.

Sorry, posted too soon. So, essentially, your dp needs to show willing, step up and FAKE the enthusiasm if necessary...did I want to sing jelly on a plate for the umpteenth time while making a glitter jelly today, did I balls. I wanted to ignore said children whilst scoffing cake, drinking tea and browsing mumsnet. But I faked it cos it's what you have to do. Your dp needs to start faking it. Confiscate his bloody phone. to you. Xx