To not want ds discussed with other parents without my knowledge?

[Coincidenceschmoincidence]

Arrived for pick up from after school club yesterday and unwittingly stumbled into a conversation in the foyer where a newish parent I didn't recognise (and clearly didn't recognise me!) was talking to the supervisor about a child. Once they'd seen me and finished I clicked they'd been talking about one of mine.

The gist that I heard was a discussion over whether my ds had been separated from their ds during the school day. The supervisor was confirming that they had been. It was all pretty awkward as they then hung around watching us as I collected the dcs. the child loudly pointed me out as ds' mum but they didn't speak to me directly.

I mulled it over and contacted the head today by email as I wanted to know if I needed to address anything with ds from our end. Her response was simply that the parents of this child had asked that he be separated from ds for the foreseeable future. No actual response to my question.

Without drip feeding - this child has been making ds' life difficult for a few weeks (at times they play well together, at other times he kicks, shoves, swears at him and disrupts any play he has with others), I've been coaching ds on how to deal with him by distancing himself and I'm very happy at the prospect of them officially being kept apart - that's not the issue here, it's that this is clearly an issue which has been discussed between the school and the other parents without notifying us.

Today ds told me that the other child had "gone for him" during pe and had to be removed from the lesson by the Head, so I don't know if ds is provoking him somehow, deliberately or otherwise. (Ds wasn't disciplined in any way over the incident, he said he didn't react as he knew he'd make it worse)

I'm at a loss as it's the first issue we've ever had of this kind (- ds may be cheeky and I'm not blind to his faults but he's never ever been violent and is generally regarded as kind from his previous reports and what other parents have told me)

This may well be normal protocol by the school for all I know but I feel I've found all this out by accident and it was bloody awkward to stumble in on, - Aibu for wanting to be told directly about an issue if my dc is involved, and not to have him discussed with other parents without my knowledge/consent?

That was an edited version but still bloody long, sorry

If the other parents have mentioned your Ds by name as an issue then the school can't exactly not discuss the issue with that parent.
Clearly the two children are bringing out the worst in each other.
The other parent has approached the school and requested an action to deal with it, which seems fair enough to me.
Your ds hasn't been disciplined so I'd assume there's no direct "blame". You know however that there's been issues. If you want more info I think you need to ask for a 1:1 meeting with the school. But it sounds like it's all under control.

Appreciate the separation!
I repeatedly asked for my ds not to work with another boy.
Sure, they are both boys. Maybe equally at fault, we are not there to see during the school day.
Our school were useless.
Thankfully other child only has about 30% attendance record. I think his mum must keep him off for a week every time he passes wind...
Keep doing as you are. Remind your ds there are (probably) about 15 other boys and 15 girls in his class who will all play much nicer with him.
The fact your ds didn't get reprimanded probably shows the teacher knowing about the other kid.
Today- please Keep him away from your ds
Tomorrow please keep him away from ds and Fred
Next day, away from ds, Fred, sue and George...

If it is only your ds causing problems, then they should speak to you.
If the problem is the other child, they simply might not have the time or effort to quiz every other parent in the class when they know where the trouble is coming from.

I had a similar issue. Shocked and horrified when a parent told me my child was bullying theirs . Confused by the fact no one had discussed it with me .When I quizzed the teacher was informed no bullying just a very minor disagreement on one occasion implication the other parent was over reacting. Agree with posts if they need to speak to you they will .

I think that's a fair assessment. They are clearly bringing out the worst in each other.

I got the impression the other parents blame ds but the school haven't been concerned enough either to drop him on the behaviour chart or contact me, which is a good thing.

Ds has been told repeatedly by the other child that the other mum is really angry with him, which I don't like but have reassured him about.

It's a whole new world of awkwardness. I don't want ds within a mile of it and will be supporting the separation wholeheartedly!

It's impossible to enforce a rule that your DS can only be discussed with your consent. You were aware your DS and this DC were having issues. Obviously the other parents felt the best way to resolve it was to separate them. Ime schools are reluctant to separate DCs so if they are separating them then the issue must be noticeable.
If I were you, I'd ask for a meeting with the teacher or HT. They might be wary of putting more information in writing but a chat should help you to find out what they think has been happening, and also how they practically plan to keep the DCs apart.

I think you should try to see the form teacher about this. It's reasonable for you to ask questions to see if there is anything you need to do to support DS. It may be that the little boy is painting a bad picture of your DS to his parents: in which case, bearing in mind what the boy is saying to your DS about his mum, I think you would be justified in asking the school to tackle this with both the child's parents and the child.

I think we'll go in next week for a chat and see if we can get to the bottom of it all. I think I'm maybe fretting a bit as it's never happened before to either of mine.

It's a tiny school and ds is a bit stuck with a small peer group. Any new child changes the dynamic, which is what's happened here. I should probably be grateful we've managed 6 years without an incident so far.

Might be wrong but my ds has some difficulties at school he has add can be reactionary.

Head teacher has called me in to discuss ds behaviour if he's fought with another child without involving other parents as it was ds who was at fault.

Ds is then disciplined and I often try to find the other parent and apologise.

Sounds like from my perspective that the other child was called in with parent as he was at fault,and they've tried to resolve it, no need to involve you as your ds was not in the wrong.

Hopefully your ds will get some peace now and the school will work to help improve the other child's behaviour.

Sorry ds has asd autocorrect fail.

your situation sounds almost exactly like what happened with my DS in yr2 (including small peer group, other child saying his mum is angry etc). i'm not generally a worrier but found myself thinking about it loads as it was all so new and weird to me. Spoke to his form teacher who was very diplomatic but basically implied it was normal, under control etc and other parent might be over-reacting which sounds like what might be the case here (i.e. that its under control, although I guess the other parent here could be over-reacting too).

your approach of asking the head if there is anything you should do in relation to your ds sounds exactly right, although its a shame they didn't answer your question (hopefully because everything is fine rather than being sloppy/ avoiding qu?).

(btw, 2 years on, everything completely fine with my DS. he plays with other child but they will never be best of friends)

Foxy, I really get that. My eldest has asd. I'm lucky he's very placid but he went through a short phase as a toddler where I seemed to constantly be apologising for him.

I wouldn't expect to be told if this child has any kind of additional needs - it's none of my business if he does, i just need to focus on how I can help ds exist peacefully with him at school.

Well, if your child is having ongoing problems with another child (no matter where the issue lies) then both you and they are going to have to in some way talk about each others children with the staff. There isn't any way around that unless everyone just ignores the issues entirely and that isn't going to help.

How its done is important, yes. But the fact that it has to happen can't reallybe argued against.

Thanks oldbrownboot, glad it turned out ok for you.

I think it's probably normal to feel thrown when it's not happened before. Ds seems to have quite low self esteem at the moment in general, which is unusual. I think it's probably bothering him more than I'd been aware.

I think you are right, if they haven't contacted you then it's clearly not your son that is at fault.

In DS' previous school, they would only call the other parents in if a member of staff had witnessed an incident. Not being called in, didn't mean your DC wasn't at fault. It just meant the school had a situation where it was one child's word against another's. OP I'm not saying that is the case in your school. I would hope your school is much better at responding to issues than that and that your meeting next week clarifies the situation.

I would say they haven't spoken to you because they don't think the issue is with your ds. So there is no point. They can't not discuss your ds, in this situation. The parents have asked for them to be separated, which is good for your ds, but the school can't confirm that without mentioning ds. Really I think you should also speak to the school about your concerns.

Dd had a problem with a girl in her class last year. I spoke to the teacher as I believed that it needed addressing. It became clear the other mother believed dd was bullying her dd. No one had mentioned this before I went in. The reason being The teacher completely disagreed and agreed with me that it was just a clash of personalities. They are now getting on. The other mother isn't happy and has approached me. She wasn't happy to have it pointed out that her dd wasn't an innocent and that I was happy for them to be friends as long as they got on and no more nastiness from either side.

Some parents will always believe their child is not the one in the wrong. It's sounds like these parents think their son isn't wrong either. But it doesn't sound like the school agrees.

Actually it sounds to me like this parent is being proactive and responsible and may well have the best interests of your son at heart.

Your son hasn't been told off, he hasn't been removed from the class or dealt with by the head. It doesn't sound like anybody has any issue with your son. It sounds like there is an issue with her son's behaviour and it's being dealt with.

It seems like this is a situation where potentially your son could be bullied and it's being dealt with. The fact your son hasn't been spoken to indicates nobody is blaming him for the situation.

The fact the mother is aware of this and is dealing with it, apparently without blaming your son, is a positive thing. The fact her son 'went' for your son means she's probably right he should be kept away from your son.

It would be nice if the school had made you aware of the issue, but I think you should be glad it's being dealt with appropriately and your son protected.

Could you try talking to the other Mum? The fact that she appears to be dealing with this without blaming your son makes me suspect she's probably quite a decent person.

There is a difference between your child being mentioned and them actually 'discussing' your ds. It sounds like the other parent, for whatever reason, has decided that they don't want their child near your child. I would never call a parent up and say that another parent had requested such a thing. What would be the point? It would be devastating to any parent no matter where the blame would was. If a child is doing something to cause Other parents to request such a thing it is their behaviour that should be addressed not how other parents have reacted to it.

If your ds had been creating a problem the school would have mentioned it in the email response or would have asked for a meeting. I would therefore assume that the school have decided a) it's a clash of personalities, no one really at fault or b) the other child gets wound up by your ds but your ds isn't doing anything wrong or c) the other child is entirely to blame and they are just going along with the request to keep your child safe and happy or d) the other parent is nuts and they are keeping you out of it for this reason.

I think if you should be informed every time your child was discussed or mentioned by another parent then all I'll say is 'be careful what you wish for.' You might end up hearing some home truths about your child you'd rather you didn't have to hear.

This mother has recognised there is an issue between the two boys and regardless of who is at fault, she and the school are taking steps to nip it n the bud. If it was anything really bad (for example either your son bulling him, or him bullying your son) the school would probably have approached you by now. If they haven't then don't insert yourself into what might be a small problem and turn it into a big one.

Given what you overheard I don't blame you at all for wanting to get to the bottom of what is going on, but I don't think you can demand to be party to a private conversation with the head over another parent's concerns.

Your son hasn't been told off, he hasn't been removed from the class or dealt with by the head. It doesn't sound like anybody has any issue with your son. It sounds like there is an issue with her son's behaviour and it's being dealt with.

Yes I think this is the most likely scenario too.

and completely agree with soapbox!

Thanks everyone, this has helped lots - really appreciate your input.