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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to end a friendship over this?

40 replies

ConfusedAS · 03/06/2015 16:48

I have AS so could really do with some honest opinions.

My daughter is 21 and also has AS. She is very clever and very articulate but she has these huge black holes of understanding. She rang me in a terribly distressed state earlier. She posted an article on Facebook saying she agreed with it. A friend of mine had a go at her because it was offensive.

Friend then posted her own status critising 'people' who have these opinions but not explicitly saying what it was in reference to. Daughter engaged with it and got slapped back down. At which point she rang me.

The article in question was offensive but the author did make some valid points to support his offensive agenda. Having talked to daughter it's clear she had no idea of why it was offensive. She had completely missed the agenda of the author and was distraught at being in so much trouble but not having a clue why. Once I'd talked her through it she went back and deleted everything.

Unfortunately friend's status and her responses to my daughter have stayed up. Since then friend mates (who I don't know) have had a good laugh about it, egging each other on to take the piss until 'she snaps and de-friends you'.

I just don't know how to deal with situations like this. I know it's only facebook, but this is my daughter who is very vulnerable and my friend who knows that. I want to walk away completely. It's the only way I know how to cope. AIBU?

OP posts:

Silvercatowner · 04/06/2015 09:12

FB really isn't the place for people with AS.

Original poster

ConfusedAS · 04/06/2015 09:29

I did tell her that and once she understood it she deleted it. I also understand why my friend pulled her up on it. That's not the issue. The issue is my friend appearing to use passive aggressive posts elsewhere to stir up a posse of ridicule and belittling against her.

Sorry, I want to change this. The issue is that I don't know how to deal with this social situation knowing what has gone on between them.

OP posts:

HoldYerWhist · 04/06/2015 09:36

It depends, really, on your friend.

Do you think she went out of her way to be horrible to/about dd? Because if that's the case I don't see how you could salvage anything!

Original poster

ConfusedAS · 04/06/2015 09:43

You're right, that's the crux of. Did she go out of her way to be horrible? That's what I'm not sure of and why I don't know how to move forward.

OP posts:

ItsTricky · 04/06/2015 09:47

AS or not, 21 year olds are still quite immature and likely to slip up with tjings like this and need an explanation as to why.

Your friend, as an adult, should have bought it to hers, or your, attention away from Facebook. Wading in and knocking a 21 year old in a public arena is incredibly pathetic. I'd be inclined to dith her.

I hope your dd is ok x

ItsTricky · 04/06/2015 09:47

*ditch her

Capricorn76 · 04/06/2015 09:57

Tbh I've publicly called people out on FB for liking offensive things. Sorry if you 'like' or write racist, bigoted, sexist etc stuff in public forums expect that at least one of the hundred or so people reading it may call you out before deleting you.

If your friend knows about your DDs AS and had deliberately publicly humiliated her then that's not on. However, I dont think social media is a good thing for your DD to be on if she can't tell what's offensive and if she's going to get so upset if someone doesn't like what she's posted.

Also employers sometimes look into your social history and I'm sure some eyebrows would be raised if she was a prolific liker of Britain First and EDL pages for example.

yourinnergoddess · 04/06/2015 10:01

Such veiled terms. It is very difficult to size up what's gone on.

I think that with persons who have communication difficulties like this it can be tempting to suggest that if they form an opinion they ought to immediately fall back on it if people dislike it.

It's a good rule of thumb, but people do form opinions other people don't like so (without knowing what the specific thing is) it could be a bad thing to persuade them that the opinions of other people should always mean they are automatically wrong. It's a fine line to walk, and a person of her age, with her problems ought to be able to form, express and discuss opinions, even ones that attract heat or are ridiculous, for her own benefit, and without them being published online. She shouldn't be afraid of expressing herself.

I think the real rule of thumb to give her is to not post controversial opinions on facebook, where a wider circle of people than you even know will immediately see them, draw conclusions on them and re-publish them with consequences you cannot always fully anticipate.

TwinkieTwinkle · 04/06/2015 11:39

OP, is there the possibility that your friend was personally insulted by what your daughter posted?

NickiFury · 04/06/2015 11:42

Your "friend" is a bullying arsehole as are her friends.

Personally I would tell her exactly that, then block immediately so she doesn't get to respond . I have done this a few times, it feels very satisfying.

popalot · 04/06/2015 11:47

Facebook is not a place for vulnerable young minds. She's better off staying off it. In fact, most people find it a hard place to be not just because someone is liable to have a go at you when face to face they wouldn't. The comparisons between people, how well they are doing in life (restaurants, holidays, children, new this, new that) is full on. I would have a good old chat with her about whether she wants facebook in her life at all.

popalot · 04/06/2015 11:49

Sorry, I was referring to your dd in prev post.

Your friend should have realised it may have had something to do with AS and should have taken steps to protect your dd from further insult once it had all been deleted. In fact, she should have engaged with her though PM. It's all a bit nasty.

But, as it goes, your dd prob better off not being on FB (as I said above)

CrapBag · 04/06/2015 11:55

How offensive was it? (Just curious)

I do struggle to see how this PA status wasn't about your DD, it also sounds like she did nothing to stop her friends from piling in and having a go. So its this that would make me question her version.

Only you know her though. Is she like this or is it very out of character (the PA stays and the like)? I am not someone who ever posts PA or attention seeking status' but I know people who do so this is what I would think about first.

samG76 · 04/06/2015 12:14

Agree with popalot - scrap FB and you'll be much happier.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/06/2015 12:23

I think your friend behaved badly. But what to do now?

Well, a lot will depend on her response to your email (which sounds like a good one by the way!)

I'm not sure what level of offensiveness would excuse ganging up on a friends Dd, and the veiled comments on other topics/ places is out of order.

The thing that would resolve it for me is
A. An outright apology
Or
B. Sounding upset or concerned about your Dd (vs defensive, rude or 'she got what was coming' type of stuff)
Or
C. Admitting she lost it as she was so upset by the offensive content - even nt grown ups can react wrongly too sometimes
Or
D. Or she didn't immediately link your dd post with her Aspergers and took her at face value

Any of those I personally would be able to understand and move past.

But it's up to you and what you can cope with really.

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