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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel p*ssed off about insulting birthday card?

21 replies

Angie611 · 03/06/2015 13:33

My DH and I have just recently suffered a tragic loss. We were expecting twins but due to complications we lost them after I went into premature labour.

Yesterday is was my DHs 40th birthday. We decided not to celebrate because of what had happened. However his mother, who likes to buy. Him insulting birthday cards, sent him the usual sort of birthday card poking fun at him getting older. I hate those cards anyway, and I usually feel narked about them, but surely for this year she could have bought him a nice cards with a few kind words on it, like "we love you, son" or something like that. They never express any love or affection for him. Don't they think he's going through enough without having his age poked fun at? What's more is his sister who is married to a rich man, sent him the crappest birthday card ever, I felt like throwing it straight in the bin.

I know it's only a greetings card, but it really annoyed me. I

OP posts:
Stinkersmum · 03/06/2015 13:34

Was your dh upset by the card?

fiveacres · 03/06/2015 13:35

I'm sorry it upset you. I doubt any real harm was meant. You'll obviously feel raw just now. Flowers

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/06/2015 13:37

In the very nicest way, you may be overthinking this. Maybe his mum bought the card months ago, maybe she wants to act normal because she doesn't know what else to do, maybe SiL is a crap card buyer or only had time to dig something out if the drawer rather than buy something specific. Is DH upset by all this? I don't think it will help to be upset on his behalf

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

Ellypoo · 03/06/2015 13:37

So sorry for your loss xxx So many people unfortunately don't engage their brains at times xxx

midnightvelvet01 · 03/06/2015 13:39

I'm sorry for your loss Angie

However you are overreacting, it sounds as though the parents didn't put lots of thought into his card & his sister doesn't have to spend loads, the fact that she bought it, wrote in it & sent it is enough. Just because they are not to your taste or not good enough for you doesn't mean they are meaningless to your DH.

Just ignore them Flowers

IndridCold · 03/06/2015 13:42

Unfortunately people often feel rather awkward around people who have been bereaved, even close family.

If stupid cards are what they always do then they probably just wanted to do something normal to cheer him up.

Try not to worry about it, concentrate on looking after yourself, and focus on things that will help you feel a bit better.

ByeByeButterfly · 03/06/2015 13:43

Some families have different dynamics.

My family wouldn't send rude cards-- maybe jokey from the younger ones like "love from your favourite cousin" etc but nothing nasty.

My partners family aren't the Huggy, I love you type - I've never seen affection from them but I know they would be gutted if anything happened to their family.

I think it would've been nice but if they aren't like that perhaps they feel uncomfortable doing such a thing?

Perhaps instead they are ignorantly trying to lighten the mood on his birthday?

Very sorry to hear of your news :(

I would just ignore and do something nice together (nice home cooked dinner, rent a film etc) and be there for each other.

TheWitTank · 03/06/2015 13:44

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
Echoing other posters, I do think that perhaps you are over thinking this a little (although understandably at such a hard time) and that his mum us either trying to act normally and not upset you both or just hasn't thought that he wouldn't find it funny (has he ever mentioned he doesn't like them to her before?).

MrsCrankypants · 03/06/2015 13:46

So sorry for your loss Angie. I lost my first daughter too in similar circumstances and we had a number of hurtful / thoughtless situations like this. Some of them we let go and some we just had to address. It's the ones we let go that I regret now, a bit of thought should be the least you can expect right now. Hope you are both ok...

Bellebella · 03/06/2015 13:46

I am sorry for your loss but I think you are overthinking this, sorry.

They may have bought the cards months ago, or actually some do carry on as normal because they don't know what to say or do. It's not intended to cause harm.

Again sorry for your loss Flowers

inaboxwithafox · 03/06/2015 13:46

Why is his sisters marriage to a rich man an issue? Confused

I very much doubt that his mother meant any harm, it sounds like they just aren't affectionate people, some people really struggle to openly share their feelings and they can't be expected to if it makes them uneasy. Traditionally it is normal to tease loved ones on big occasions. I would expect it at 30,40, 50 etc.

I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. Deepest condolences to you and your DH. Have his family been supportive - or is the card just the final straw on the camels back? I think when you are grieving you can feel real rage at things that would otherwise slightly irk you.

I remember screaming and throwing all the flowers out of a vase at my DH when I was recovering from our 3rd miscarriage. It was in an argument over a naan bread we were having with curry. I was fuuuurious but it was actually my way of releasing all the pent up pain.

Flowers OP.

BabyMurloc · 03/06/2015 13:50

*I am sorry for your loss but I think you are overthinking this, sorry.

They may have bought the cards months ago, or actually some do carry on as normal because they don't know what to say or do. It's not intended to cause harm.*

Exactly this. A lot of people just carry on because they have no idea what to say or do. I had a relative pass away 3 days before a birthday. Sooo many birthday cards still arrived and it was really really hard for the relatives who had to deal but nothing was with intent to cause harm. It is one of those things. The timing sucks but then these things are always awful no matter the time. Try and just put it out of your head and look after yourselves and each other.

Sorry for your loss xx

AntiHop · 03/06/2015 13:57

Yanbu. That sounds insensitive.

GloGirl · 03/06/2015 14:01

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins.

People grieve in their own way and there was nocard that would make your DH feel better during such a difficult birthday.

I think your MIL probably thought about what card to get, and whilst she made the wrong choice I think she thought it was the best one albeit for a stupid reason.

MrsCrankypants · 03/06/2015 14:01

I have to disagree with posters saying the OP is over thinking this. Surely a little compassion from his own parents is the least the OPs DH can expect. I'm sure his family have seen how much they are hurting right now.

HesterShaw · 03/06/2015 14:03

So sorry about your babies Angie Flowers What an awful thing to happen.

As for the cards, then I think the best thing to do is assume nothing was meant to hurt you and try and move on. Some people are just crap at dealing with other people's grief.

HesterShaw · 03/06/2015 14:04

Move on from the card thing rather than your grief, just to clarify. You can grieve as long as you need to.

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot · 03/06/2015 14:07

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I really think this is just one of those things were people have different expectations. I don't think they wanted to hurt you.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/06/2015 14:08

They are not relating the birthday and your loss.

I don't think that's wrong. They haven't done anything deliberate from what you say.

I would let this one go

DeeWe · 03/06/2015 14:08

Sorry for your loss, but I agree in that you're overthinking it.

There is a problem in that different people react in different ways.
I had a friend whose df died just before her birthday and the ones who upset her were those who sent stuff that was obviously chosen exactly for that reason. She was feeling people were saying that she was a different person because her df had died.

And different people have different tastes in cards. I think dh's taste is pretty boring. He would go for a plain white card with "Happy Birthday" written across. I go for much more fancy ones. Plus sometimes you get to the shops and find that the only "To my dear brother" cards have cars or boats on, and you know full well they like neither.

hotdogsandmustard · 03/06/2015 14:18

If they upset you when you look at them throw them away , I would .

So sorry for your loss

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