severe jealousy of DH EXW. please help, i know iabu :( Can't do this anymore

[JustWanaBeHappy]

posted in here for traffic. have nc as am seriously embarrassed and ashamed and I am sure you will all think I am nuts and awful. this is going to be a right ramble but I need to get it all out

I have been with DH 8 years, married 5. I am 33 and dh is 43. we have 2 DDs aged 2 and 6. and I have a DS, 10, from a prev relationship. he was married before and has a 19 yo dd and 2 adult stepchildren. I have always had jealousy issues over his ex right from the beginning as I was only his second gf after they split and she wanted him back and tried to get him back a few times in the first year or 2 we were together. I was really insecure. and still I am jealous of her now and of his past life.

he met her at 23, she was living with someone and had 2 DCs, but she left him for DH. her and her DC moved in immediately. only imagine how in love dh was to do that as a 23 year old lad really, he was (and is) very good looking and popular, he'd had several GFs until her, but never settled down so wasn't exactly short of offers. so god knows how crazy in love / lust he was to get her down the aisle that quick. he reckons it was her that pushed him into moving fast, he was not that bothered but I know what he is like, he isn't daft. In fact he is very sensible, measured and stubborn and if he didn't want to do something he wouldn't do it.

dh proposed to me after about 2 years and it bugs the hell out of me that it took him so long, knowing how quick he got a ring on XW.

I even get jealous that they owned a house together, dh and I only rent, how pathetic is that. we have never had that experience and prob never will! and I am jealous that he has already been a step dad before he was a step dad to my DS and that makes it less special to me.

I have low self esteem anyway. but my jealousy affects everything. worst of all it affects our sex life, as i wonder if she was better than me in bed, (she is skinny like about a size 6 and loads better looking than me even though she is older), she is typical blonde, skinny, tanned, immaculate....i am dark, pale and slim ish, quite unconventional looking really, I think had a brief period of "prettiness" in my 20's but thats going down hill quick and my 3 pregnancies have ruined my figure tbh. i will never look good in a bikini again. but at 40 odd and after her 3 kids she was posting holiday bikini pics on FB recently looking amazing. my feelings affect everything. our holidays, things we do as a family, when he does romantic things for me, Christmases, family parties etc etc, I just think, he has done this all before and I haven't. So I feel it isn't as special or meaningful. I am also jealous as I had sections for my births, dh ex had DSD naturally, and I often think how amazing it must have been for him. and also she will always be the mother of his PFB. and I have heard on here that women who have had natural births have better sex so there's another reason I worry that our sex life isn't as good. Not to mention my horrid scar. so embarrassed writing this.

basically I can not deal or cope with the fact he had a family before me....tbh the main reason I wanted to have our dds was to "even the score" and secretly I am happy that I have got more children with him than she has, (obvs he does not know that!) how awful is that? and mad.

I also secretly compare our kids with DSD. and although I would never say it our 2 girls are no where near as pretty and cute as DSD was (and is). in fact I even feel sick sometimes when I see DSD as she is crazy beautiful and I imagine her DM looked just like her at her age and I hate myself for it as I love DSD and she is lovely. so how awful of me.

I feel i cannot compete, I don't know what he sees in me when I look in the mirror. and its only going down hill as i get older! but he is always telling me how much he loves me, that he has never loved/fancied anyone as much as me or been so happy. that we have loads in common and i am his best friend, and he has never had that before. in fact he has told me before he was mostly quite unhappy when he was married before. so why can't I shake this jealousy? he knows about it a bit but I could never tell him all this.

ps I have had counselling several times and nothing has worked sad ....and I am sorry this is so long

How long have you made yourself miserable with this? Remind yourself of just how long you have been torturing yourself and what for.
I really hope your children never realise how you see them. This is so sad it seems all consuming. You know he didnt rush into proprosing to you because he already had one failed marriage and didn't want to rush into a second one to make the same mistake again, he wants this one to last with the woman he fell in love with - you.You could have proposed, so it didn't take him two years, it actually took both of you two years. We can all tell you what you already know but you probably need telling constantly and even then you will not let you believe it unless you choose to.
Seek help again now.
I'm told if it doesn't help with one counsellor it can with another. You are aware that you really need to turn your thoughts off stop focusing on your negative thoughts and focus on what you have, you are harming yourself and could end up making you lose everything as they eat you up. You not anyone else. Please for your own sake seek help today.

Op this isn't normal rational behaviour and thinking. You need some serious counselling with someone trained, maybe even a psychiatrist. Mary very hard to stop this very soon as you may push your dh away. You need to accept your dh had a life before you, just as you had a life before him. I had a friend who sent herself loopy obsessing over her boyfriends old life, it was scary. Thankfully she stopped once they had a baby. You need to start challenging your thoughts. It's good you know it's not good and are wanting to change. You and your family deserve to be happy.

There's a saying 'Comparison is the thief of joy'. It is so true.

I'm not sure why so many PPs are advising you move this to relationships, it's not a problem with the relationship, it's a problem with the way you feel about yourself.

You need to keep going with the counselling or try some other kind of therapy, because your feelings have way more power to destroy your relationship than an ex does.

op, do you think you might be depressed? It sounds like the exw might be a peg to hang general anxiety on. If you think you might be depressed, consult your gp. Personally I think you should also consider paying for private therapy sessions and/or trying cbt, as this seems to be affecting your life quite deeply. You can change your attitude.

Second everything people are saying about this being all about your self esteem issues, nothing to do with reality of the ex or your DH's real feelings. Also worth saying, you have a 10yo DS so he's not the only one with a past. Do you obsess about that too? Do you expect him to? Of course not. You really have to get help to make you value what you've got, live in the now, and stop feeding this mad destructive jealousy over a clutch of illusions.

I think when you are having children solely so the "number" gets one over on your husband's ex-wife, and then comparing their looks unfavourably with their step-sister, you are too far gone for anyone here to help you.

You need intense help, probably psychiatric help.

This is horrifying reading. I have often compared myself to exes or whatever, as I'm sure everyone has at some point. But I force myself not to. It's frightening to think this is what happens if you let it consume you.

Dear OP I feel so sorry that you keep beating yourself up like this. I, like many others, am a second wife. Dh had 3 dc with her and she was a young slim blonde when they married. I knew them slightly and envied their apparent happiness while I was going through hell with a very sick dh whose personality had changed with the disease so he became a bitter bully.
That first wife went off with a man younger than her after 20 years of marriage. We put 5 teens together when we married (26 years ago).
I am short plump and was dark haired with glasses and two false teeth! I am now grey with a hearing aid added. She resented me, she thought she could keep dh dangling 'just in case' but he says he has never been happier than he has with me.
Yes they built a house, their dc had private education etc but they have turned out no better or worse than my 2 who went to the local comp. You are so lucky to havr dc with your husband, we didn't. Try to relax, enjoy your life because in the end you are a winner.

I feel i cannot compete,

I was only his second gf after they split and she wanted him back and tried to get him back a few times in the first year or 2 we were together.

Sounds like you competed and won to me. Why be jealous of someone he rejected in favour of you?

OP, reading this has made me feel really sad. U have everything but ur obsession is robbing u of seeing it. U must b going thru hell, my heart goes out to u.

Please, please seek further therapy a.s.a.p, this needs putting to bed for the sake of all ur family but, mostly, for ur sanity.

I truly hope u can get the help u need.

hi everyone thanks for the advice

I debated whether to put this in my OP so MASSIVE apologies for the drip feed as I know how annoying it is. (am a long term mner)

re the competing thing.....at one point I DID (unknowingly) compete with her. We moved in together quite quick after starting dating and it was v intense we had said i love you, talked about more dc, marriage etc. But DH (then dp of course) had problems with his EXW cancelling access to DSD and sending him texts asking him back etc. Then, a few months into our relationship, he walked out on me after a silly row (over - ironically - him being jealous of MY ex). He then messed me about for a couple of weeks, not moving back in but constantly texting, turning up at our flat, saying he wanted me back missed me etc and shagging me . I was all over the place as we had been really happy before and didn't get what he was playing at. But he then came back and asked me to give him one last proper chance and let him move back in.

tbh i was young and quite naive and didn't really question too deeply why he had pissed me around, guess I just put it down to early relationship jitters. anyway, it worked out and we were really happy til several months later I found out that during the time he had "left" me, he had got back with EXW...I was already preg with our DD1 by then.

his shit explanation was that EXW was saying he couldn't see DSD if he didn't get back with her he said he didn't want to but was scared of not seeing his DD as EXW had been difficult with access since DH had started dating and when it got serious with me she wasn't happy. He said he daren't tell me when he asked me back, in case I wouldn't get back with him. (too right mate)

So yeah basically he was to ing and fro ing between the 2 of us and "chose" me, LUCKY ME eh and if I had even had an inkling I would have told him to fuck right off

but I decided to forgive him, and last seven years have been perfect. apart from tbh it still eats me up big time so not perfect I guess :(

Ok - lots of other people are much better at the relationship stuff than me but one thing I can tell you for sure:-

C-sections have far less (negative) impact on your sex life than natural birth.

I have had one of each!

Op thanks for being so honest - brutally honest even x

Many people have also felt these gremlins I assure you

But wow your self esteem is incredibly low - and it's sad to read it

First - Hide her on Facebook - please

And then please do something about your self esteem - you deserve so much better

I get you say counselling does not help

But there is a world of ideas , techniques - explore them - read what others have done

Low self esteem is an evil thing and it can be addressed xxxx

'Last seven years have been perfect' wow Op not many of us could say that. So somewhere a line has to be drawn. A good counsellor could help you with moving forwards.

Okay so he did play you around at the start of your relationship but you admit you had a good relationship the last 7 years. You are married to him, he is with you. I am sure the ex wife does not give a thought about him anymore, people move on you know!! divorce is very common, you need to let this go. Neither of these people are holding a flame for each other, it is you dwelling on the past.

I think you need counselling because by this point you shouldn't be so obsessed with his ex.

Also terrible how you are comparing how your daughters look to your dsd. I hope you do get counselling.

The dd bit is quite sad to read Op.

I hope you sort through your issues.
Don't live in the past.

Did you not post about this last year OP?

I seem to remember reading a similar thread. If so, the advice isn't going to change.

After the update, I can see where the worry comes from, but I really hope you see that the issues are with your self esteem. If you felt like you deserve happiness, his ex wouldn't be important at all.

Do something to address that, something that will build up your confidence (excercise, class)? It will help, believe me.

Oh and hide her on fb. Do you realise how easy it is to give completely the wrong impression on there? My DH posts a lot and to look at us from fb posts along you'd think we were happy, settled, enjoy lots of days out : holidays with friends.
What you don't see is that we've had a really difficult patch, that the days out / holidays are carefully times treats to help with difficult news from doctors as we have been trying for a baby for 2 years.

I posted on your other thread.

You've been posting about this for years, both on here and on FB . It just makes you sound shallow and very very self absorbed. All roads lead back to you

Loads of people have given you advice. The only advice left is to stick at counselling to try and take the focus off yourself all the time.

So it's not really been a 'perfect seven years' Op if you've been posting about the same issues for years. Surely not 'perfect' for you.

This is not his issue this is yours as you know. Your dh could be with her if he wantedbit he chooses to be with you.
I think you should mention this to your gp and see if you could be offered councilling as you do seem to have low self esteem.
I would consider getting yourself a new circle of friends join a night class or get a new hobby. Something you do by yourself so you don't feel as dependent on him. That will help your self esteem

no onlyone that's what I said

atwork I know, I don't want to be like this...I know its shallow to be so obsessed with looks but I would never, ever let on to my DC, they are very confident and happy (unlike me) because I constantly make them feel clever and gorgeous and special (like my parents never did for me!)

maddy I have got lots of friends, hobbies and my own business and I am honestly not dependant on him, its not about him, its about me and how I feel about myself

ayeamarok I agree, as I said, I have tried "normal" counselling and it has not really helped at all, I know it isn't normal and that's why I have posted

pinkdelight yes my ds is from a very short first marriage with my boyfriend from my teens. but I never had a family with my ex, or even a home really, we split shortly after ds was born and I never really loved him tbh. then prior to that I just had short term teenage boyfriends so no real relationship history really

theycallme yes I am depressed and have been on ADs on and off for over ten years

sorry have only replied to a few but I have got to go to work in a minute

thank you for all the advice