About this comment re dd's pants?

[Welshmaenad]

I am fully prepared to be told I'm overthinking!

Dd (9) is disabled but in mainstream school. She is currently doing a 2 week block of daily swimming. She has a part time 1:1 who has been going along to help her with changing. The school asked if she could wear joggers to school for the duration, as she normally wears leggings under a pinafore dress (her preference) as leggings onto damp skin might be awkward for her. I bought her 1 pair to see how she got on so washed and tumbled them Monday night ready for today. She's also been taking a clean pair of underwear to put on after swimming, because I just think it's nicer than putting worn knicks back on.

So this morning she fished her joggers out of the dryer along with the second pair of pants she wore yesterday, and put them on. All fine.

She told me when I picked her up that her 1:1 had told her that she shouldn't wear the same pants two days running. Dd said she told her they'd been washed and dried overnight but that "Miss kept saying it wasn't nice to wear pants two days in a row".

I can only assume from this that the woman thinks I've sent my child to school wearing yesterday's unwashed knickers and I'm a bit . I'm a bit scatty but I'm actually quite offended if she thinks I don't ensure my kids have clean pants on each day! Dd is always smart and appropriately dressed, tidy plaited hair etc (going in, at any rate, home time is a whole new story!).

Her 1:1 is lovely and dd adores her but she's made a few comments that make me feel like shes a bit over involved, and dd was really puzzled by this exchange and kept seeking reassurance that her pants really were clean and it had been ok to wear them.

I feel like I want to say something but not sure what, or how, or if I'm being U to even pay it any mind and should just chalk it up to an odd comment!

Really long story about pants, thanks if you made it to the end.

I would forget about it & lean towards Soduthen's thinking about what was meant.

Maybe you should have a word just to clear any misunderstanding up.

It's a silly comment to make anyway. My DDs (and I!) have plenty of pairs of pants that are the same as I buy them in multipacks of matching patterns.

I have worked as a 1:1.
It is a flag for child protection if children wear dirty clothing.
she should have never mentioned it to your dd. It would have to happen numerous times for it to warrant any kind of formal report.
I would have approached it in private with the parent, at the angle that maybe your dd dressed herself in the morning and may have put yesterday's knickers on without you being aware. This doesn't directly say to the parent "your child is wearing dirty knickers" but gives the parent opportunity to say actually they have been washed and dried but thanks for your concern.

it should have been obvious to 1:1 that this isn't a discussion to have with a 9 yr old.

I would have a chat with her 1:1 and say that your dd mentioned her comments about dirty knickers and in the future if she has any concerns that need clarification you would rather she bring it up with you not dd.

Yanbu to be concerned.

Also is that something else we now have to do? Ensure dc wear a different colour or pattern on pants everyday just so they don't draw attention

Dd has loads of pairs the same

only1scoop, no it isn't.
In my experience when a child is neglected there are many other signs such as hunger, withdrawn, not aware in normal social situations (nt children of course).
it can be missed but in most cases there are multiple red flags.

I agree Miss Moo my reply wasn't strictly a serious one.

I'm pleased you're going to speak to the school about the comment. As a social worker you'll know how easily her belief that you are a neglectful parent who would send her daughter into school in the same pants two days running can become "written in stone" and end up in school reports and being raised in meetings. However nice the 1:1 is, I'd make my comments in writing so that there's a record. You don't need to be unpleasant just businesslike when you make the point that this type of misunderstanding can have serious repercussions.

It's best to put the emphasis on how DD felt about the incident when you talk to the staff.

'Just wanted to have a quick word. DD has been upset this week as you suggested that she was wearing her pants two days in a row. Obviously she wears fresh pants every day but now she's getting a bit fretful about her old incontinance now'

oh sorry only1scoop didn't realise!

If that were me I would be in there, asking to speak to teacher, say DD was upset by her comment and that you can reassure her that she has fresh knickers every day, sometimes twice a day, and in future if she has concerns could she address them with you. It is an inappropriate comment to make to a child, although I doubt any malice was intended. However, definitely nip in bud and be assertive about it

Funny to read this right now as I sent DS into nursery with the identical pants he had on yesterday but obviously clean ones and had a fleeting thought the nursery workers may think he's wearing the same dirty ones again. Do people really notice these things? DS is 3 and has been potty trained for about 6 weeks now. I give him whatever is washed to wear.

Comments like this should be nipped in the bud IMO. I'm quite assertive when it comes to my children and I would definitely tell the 1:1 my concerns and how what she's said has upset my child. It wouldn't matter to me how good they are at their job or how much they like my child.

Maybe she's been on a course about CP recently and is a bit keen. She'd have a field day with my boys. most of their pants are the same as they are close in age and it makes it easier when putting the washing away. So DS2 has all minion pants and DS1 has angry birds. I can quickly stuff pants into drawers without having to check labels.

I wouldn't worry! My child has been to school without pants, and had to get changed for PE in the toilets! Children are encouraged to develop independence aren't they? It would be absolutely fine to wear the pants 2 days in a row! as an occasional dressing mistake! Children are learning. The lady may just really care, or she might have busy body tendancies, but I wouldn't put her back up by mentioning it, as she has responsibility for your daughter. However if something more serious happened, or your daughter cried over something she said, that would be different.

I should also say my son has ASD with fairly complex sensory issues. To that end, he frequently cannot tolerate wearing socks, it matters not if there is snow on the ground or it's pouring or he wants to wear his wellies. I have lost count of the dirty looks I have had when people notice. The school are really good and now know that if he's having an "off sock" day it's how it is. I am just assertive about it to strangers and explain. It's the only way. I agree with BigRedBall's last sentence entirely..

Hm, I actually think it is ok for the teacher to have checked with the little girl that her knickers were clean. Teachers can't not discuss potential CP issues with children and only raise them with parents - genuinely neglectful/abusive parents may well deny what's going on. More generally it's ok for teachers to have sensitive discussions with children about personal hygiene - it's part of their pastoral duties surely. It sounds like the teacher may have been insensitive, but I think that it doesn't necessarily imply a criticism of the parent and that she's within her rights to have touched on this issue with a child. It would be fine to clarify to the teacher that the pants were clean, I don't think it's legitimate to insist all such issues are raised through parents and not to the little girl directly - this seems overly controlling to me and might look like a red flag to the teacher too.

"It's a child protection thing - she's probably had training at some point that mentioned children not having clean clothes being a possible sign of neglect

a child in those circumstances might well deny it and claim they were clean"

Yeah, and in her "concern" she is starting to suggest to the child that she is being neglected when she isn't, and the child doesn't know any better.

What the hell use is that to anyone? Extremely negative.

On a wider level, Welshmaenad - I would be a bit pissed off that your dd's 1-2-1 didn't listen to her. You say she raised the concern with your dd, then kept reiterating that it was dirty to wear the same knickers two days in a row - despite your dd telling her they had been washed and dried overnight!