To want my ddad to back off a bit

[Justbuggeroff]

I need to know if iabu thinking this way. I've NC incase I out myself.

Dd who is 3 has a neurological disorder and it will never get better, she has recently needed glasses full time and an inhaler as and when needed.
Ddad adores dd more so than any of the other dgc which is a totally different thread.

So today my dm calls and out of the blue asks why I am giving dd the inhaler for longer than the Dr said I should I was and said no the Dr said to give it UP to 4 times a day, she then says its ddad that's asked because he doesn't like the thought of me hooking her up to a machine? (It's a little face mask that the inhaler goes into so she gets the dose) when she doesn't need it?

I was confused and said it wasn't a machine it's just an applicator of sorts and that I hadn't even given it to her lately as she hasn't needed it (the inhaler is a reliever).

I find I've just come to my point of being annoyed into anger and hurt and possibly a bit offended. Dd is a sickly dc, she's always got something, she's got d & v at the moment which I took her to a & e for yesterday. Apparently that's my fault as I let them run around naked all the time? only before a bath Ffs.

Ddad has said I'm forcing her to wear glasses when she obviously doesn't need them! She went to an eye hospital who said she needed glasses, then her consultant said she needs glasses then a separate opticians prescribed her glasses to wear full time so I don't know how he has come to that idea.

Anyway tonight after my dm saying about the inhaler I got upset and said "yes your right I'm intentionally giving dd medication she obviously doesn't need, I begged the optician for glasses for her, seriously mum I'm doing the best I can with dd and I don't need dad constantly saying I'm a crap mother " dm just changed the subject and we carried on with other conversation.

I then had a cry to DH as I feel guilt enough as it about dd condition and I don't need someone who I love and trust basically saying I'm doing a shit job and forcing mess on her.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP, you clearly have the patience of a saint - my blood is boiling on your behalf just reading it. I wouldn't take your father to a medical appointment so he can 'check' you aren't inflicting unnecessary medical interventions on your small child! That only firms up the idea that you are not to be relied on as the authority on your child's care, and panders to your father's awful accusations. Because they are awful.

Do they not treat you like an adult in other ways? I would have a very firm talk about how outrageous their accusations are, tell them they will no longer be privy to any of your DD's medical information until they can demonstrate they know how to behave appropriately with it, and that you will consider letting them see her less if their over-involvement doesn't improve.

The first time he told me to get away and stop touching my own child I'd have told him to leave. My kid, my rules, my way. If he can't be supportive in such a difficult situation he needs to stay away and leave you alone. You have enough stress in your life and he is adding to it.

He doesn't really treat any of us like adults but respects the things we have achieved as adults iyswim.

He is very involved in our lives, which is fine and always has an opinion and usually it's because he has the best intentions at heart which is good but it's just this one subject "dd" that everyone notices.

Dmum and ddad have both said things to my face and in front of people, my dsisters know that they are talking rubbish and dsis who lives on the same road as me sticks up for me regularly.

Dmum and ddad are very much of the unless your bleeding or puking to death then your fine, so always downplay dd's need or make it seem like I'm just plain lying. Thing is dniece has to have a prevent or inhaler and a reliever as she has a heart mumur and asymmetrical breathing but they haven't even registered her needs, it upsets my dsis understandable but there is no point arguing with ddad.

He loves all the gc but just is more passionate about dd, like all dc inc my son get told to not do something but dd is allowed to continue etc it's annoying and frustrating but he won't be told.

He's undermining you hugely.
It is hard enough parenting a child with added needs as you always end up trying to compensate for it. We found that down the line we had to correct behaviour that we had caused. Ds is just coming to terms with the fact that he is not king of the house and it doesn't all revolve around him. Then there is how he has picked up on my anxiety and tries to falsely use his condition as a way of getting his own way. Believe me I thought my anxiety was well hidden from him when he was a toddler. He's only 6 now.
As he's your dad telling him to fuck off probably isn't an option you want to take but I think for your own sanity and the wellbeing off dd you have to disengage a bit. Just don't tell them what is going on unless it's major. It is quite alright to lie and tell them stuff is fine even if it isn't. Either that or layout straight that you would be neglectful if you didn't do what you do and they need to but out.
it's hard. It's also very hard to find out that the people who said they would always be there for you ,aren't.

YANBU. I agree with all the other poster. Try and sit down with you DPs and explain to them about your DD's condition. Also I see they are coming round every day. I would try and cut that back a bit. It is good for children to have a relationship with their Grandparents but it doesn't mean they have to see them every day. Perhaps 4 times a week would work.

By damaging your self confidence, he is damaging your DD and you need to stop him from feeling free to express these opinions before she starts to pick up on them herself and her self confidence begins to be eroded too.

This isn't a harmless misunderstanding and, the longer it goes on, the more harm it will cause.

I know you love and respect him but you owe it to yourself and your children to insist that he treats you with equal respect. You also owe it to both your DCs and your DNs to insist that he stops favouring your DD so blatantly. That will cause them all distress as they get older, including your DD.

In the nicest possible way, OP, listen to yourself. 'He won't be told' and 'there's no point arguing with dad'? That is how an overbearing domestic monster like your father gets created, by people incessantly pandering to him. Challenge, challenge, challenge. Agree entirely with Goldmandra that it isn't a harmless misunderstanding, it's recurrent, major undermining of you, casting doubts on your DD's medical treatments because your parents' don't believe in her condition but think it's something dreamt up by you to be 'attention-seeking' - what happens as your daughter gets old and absorbs the message from her grandfather that (I) her medical condition is a bit makey-uppy, so she doesn't need to learn to manage it herself/wear her glasses etc and (ii) that silly old mummy hasn't a clue, and grandad knows best.

Justbuggeroff what happens now if she's with your father and needs her inhaler? Will he give it to her?