To think my mum is making a mistake

[PickledOnionSoup]

I could do with some opinions please as I would love to know what others think about this.

My lovely mum who has been single for about 13 years now, got into a relationship with a British guy who lives abroad for 50% of the time. He splits his time between here and his place in Europe. This started in September 2014. Anyway, she has been making out that all was amazing and they were madly in love etc, etc. She went out to see him several times, he came over and they were always on the phone.

In April this year, me, mum and DS went to stay with him and behaved despicably. He was nasty, rude, drunk, smoking skunk. He had a go at mum on several occasions and on other occasions didn't speak to her for a couple of days. He took the mickey out of my none existent West Country accent.

We left 3 days early and they split up. Mum then revealed that this wasn't the first time he had done this and listed a few other occasions. In the approx 8 weeks since we have been back, they have started talking, and now he is coming over to stay. She is trying to say that that was they only time that sort of thing has ever happened even though that wasn't what she said to me. She has said that if she behaves, she will get back with him!! My sister and I are not impressed.

What do you reckon??!! She's mad, surely.

*he behaved despicably

I can imagine you're not impressed. It's so frustrating seeing people make mistakes, especially someone you love.

Sadly, there's nothing you can do. She won't listen to you as he has a hold over her. I've seen it with my own mother. My brother threatened the guy though and he scarpered. He was arrested for murdering his gf years later! Not saying this guy is that bad of course. But it's so worrying.

The drunken guy was arrested, not my brother.

I agree with you, your mum is making a huge mistake. I understand why people struggle to leave abusive relationships when both parties share a house but your mum has the massive advantage of not even living in the same country as this man.
And so I agree with Freakin, if your mum is going out of her way to continue this relationship she is not likely to listen to any sensible advice from you.
So I guess all you can do is be there when she needs you.

Thanks for the replies. I just find it frustrating that she's trying to re-write history and say that April was the first time that the bad behaviour had happened. I guess all I can do is be there and be supportive.

I'd call him and tell him to stay the fuck away or I would make his life a misery.

I realise this may backfire, but this is a sensitive issue.

At a minimum he'd know I had his number.

however, her mum's an adult with her own choices. I know how it feels though. Really hard to deal with.

Having said that thank God my brother scared my mum's ex away!

Your mum is an adult and she has the right to make choices. Even bad ones.

You also have the right to say what you will and will not accept into your own life.

So you can't tell her to not be with him, but you can say that you are not willing to expose your child to him or to be in his company.

I know that. But I think there is some leeway here to speak ones mind. She's not a teenager who will simply rebel as teenagers do.

I would never, ever tell her that I would stay away if she continued the relationship. That would be an abusers wet dream.

I'd probably tell him to his face behind her back when he visits. Or make it quite clear he wasn't welcome. Plus keep my family away from him. I just think ringing will make it worse? He'll still end up coming he sounds so arrogant.

He is extremely arrogant Freakin. He was an absolute disgrace when I had the misfortune of going out for a meal with him and my mum. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife.

Well no one's going to want to socialise with him. You'd think your mother would be embarrassed? But I've known this so many times, women (and men sometimes) putting up with terrible treatment.

YANBU not to like it. YWBU if you tried to interfere. She's an adult, she can make her own choices and mistakes and it's really not up to you.

I think you would be reasonable if you told her you do not like him or approve of him or want to spend time with him once. But there is very little you can do.

It's her mistake to make though, nothing you can do but hope she sees sense sooner rather than later.

I told DS that he was coming over. Just in a factual way, not in a 'OMG, look what GM's doing' way. He also isn't impressed as he is very protective over his GM. The two of us are going to the cinema on Friday, partly to cheer him up.

I your shoes, I would talk to your mum. Open her eyes a bit. She is obviously desperate for male company. God forbid they got married, then what?
I really don't understand this British attitude of "he/she is an adult so don't advice" I've read it on so many posts

Time- I have talked to her. And so has my sister, she doesn't listen. The irony is that her job is giving relationship advice to people!! She seems able to dish out the advice but can't take it when offered.

I don't know what I'll do if they get back together