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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if you ask somewhere out on a date

25 replies

completelydisappear · 01/06/2015 23:37

Then you decide where to go?

OP posts:
Mygardenistoobig · 01/06/2015 23:38

Are they being polite by asking you where you would like to go perhaps?

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 23:39

erm? A bit more context needed

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/06/2015 23:40

I don't agree perfectly normal to ask for places other person fancies.

iwantgin · 01/06/2015 23:40

YANBU

The person requesting the date should suggest what the date will entail.

Mygardenistoobig · 01/06/2015 23:40

Also perhaps the most important thing to them is having a date with you, rather than the activity iyswim.

SurlyCue · 01/06/2015 23:40

Yes YABU. Surely much better to discuss together and decide on somewhere both are happy with. I wouldnt want to be told where i was going on a date.

Soduthen116 · 01/06/2015 23:42

Ah a date! Last one was 1982 and I married him.

Who cares where you go or who chooses. If that's what's important he isn't the one.

completelydisappear · 01/06/2015 23:43

I'd rather more thought was put into it.

Not just saying - so where do you want to go then?

Meh, probably just me

OP posts:
BackforGood · 01/06/2015 23:45

Could read that as someone being considerate / thinking of you by offering you a say.
Some people can't win, can they ?

completelydisappear · 01/06/2015 23:45

Who cares where you go or who chooses. If that's what's important he isn't the one

Bit too intense for thinking he's the one already Confused

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 01/06/2015 23:47

Yes asked out on a date Id expect the plans to be made....

Soduthen116 · 01/06/2015 23:52

completely

Love at first sight? Grin happened to us at 18.

Thunderbolt city don't you know.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/06/2015 23:54

Ok I can kind of see your point. If he said I would like to take you out for a meal do you have a favourite restaurant then at least that would show a bit of thought

completelydisappear · 01/06/2015 23:57

^ that's what I mean.

I kind of feel like not bothering if it's just going to be me who organises it. Maybe I'm being silly.

But IABU for my title making no sense. Clearly it should say someone and not somewhere Grin

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/06/2015 23:59

I'd prefer, "what about X or what would you prefer?".

Last date I went on was DH and I knew. Also Thunderbolt City. Grin

OrangeVase · 02/06/2015 00:01

Maybe - but I suspect that you are not that interested really. If you were you'd be talking to him about it not mildly criticising him on line.

I do agree that etiquette is that he chooses if he is paying - but often things are a bit more informal now and it is a joint decision.

It depends on context though. My first date with DP was - " Do you fancy a drink after work?" - "Yes, sure, sounds good" "Where would like to go? What about the Dog and Duck or would you prefer the King's Head - or anywhere else you fancy...?" - I chose.

Jackw · 02/06/2015 00:02

No. Asking you out on a date means "I want to have sex with you." There are some men/women who are either uber confident/domineering or want to appear that way who will have it all organised and hope you will be impressed. There are less confident/domineering people who will hope to woo you by consulting your wishes. If you want an alpha male/partner, which you sound like you do, this may not be the right match for you. Can you tell whether this is him/her trying to please you (in order to get you into bed) or whether he/she thinks they can get you into bed with minimal effort on their part?

completelydisappear · 02/06/2015 00:05

but I suspect that you are not that interested really. If you were you'd be talking to him about it not mildly criticising him on line.

Wrong. I barely know him. Met him on Saturday.

I'm not criticising him either. It's just seems every single date I've been on I've been the one to organise it (even when it's them asking me!)

I just feel for once it would be nice or even a pleasant surprise for the other person to arrange

OP posts:
completelydisappear · 02/06/2015 00:08

I think you're thinking too much about this Jackw

OP posts:
Jackw · 02/06/2015 00:15

feeling a bit insulted after trying to answer question seriously

Soduthen116 · 02/06/2015 00:27

Bit rude to jack op. Don't post for opinions if you don't want them.

Look if he's not organising anything or that bothered he's clearly husband material.

There you go.

And if you don't want to organise then don't. Stop. See who steps up to the challenge.

Good luck. Wink

custarddreamer · 02/06/2015 00:43

Reckon it's different if it's a date out of the blue to people who have a lot in common for starters (eg meeting at work/uni).

I think it's basically a learning experience in the first few dates to see how the other person conducts themselves/if you're socially compatible.

What I don't think works is thinking there are hard and fast rules or "tests" or "signs" to prove that someone is going to be a good guy or good woman and you're going to live happily ever after.

Eg: pays vs not pays? Assertive vs non-assertive? Very open and extroverted vs a bit quiet? Casual vs scruffy? All of these could be signs of...well...absolutely f**king anything.

Of course if there is a pattern then red flags can build up, but one date isn't enough for a complete picture (although sometimes it can be enough to think "nah")

I've gone on dates with very tight, wannabe cocklodger types who will insist on doing the full works and paying extravagantly for them on first dates.

Or a first internet date with someone who arrived early, had picked the best seat in a well-chosen cafe, called me when he was there to tell me he was there. Went fine. Second date, he was late, incredibly hungover, and yawned through the whole thing without being apologetic. The "consideration" was something he brought out once only.

You have to keep your judgement open, there are no short-cuts to discernment regarding people.

I often hear people repeat things like "I knew he/she was perfect when they did X" and actually that really is completely irrational, you have to look at the complete picture?

custarddreamer · 02/06/2015 00:48

Re: organising, I think maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself? One reads about first dates at Alton Towers or white water rafting but really it's just about getting to know each other.

Presuming you have your own transport, look up a nice bar/pub/coffee shop near to you (perhaps with other going out places nearby). Use Tripadvisor if you don't know anywhere. It doesn't have to be the trendiest place in town, just somewhere "ok" you can talk. Make it convenient for transport etc.

Text him and say:

"I'll meet you at X cafe/bar/pub at 7pm, look forward to it."

There. Done. When you meet up you can extend the night together as you think fit.

BackforGood · 02/06/2015 18:31

I don't think OP was rude to JackW

I do think JackW was rather projecting their own intentions, rather than being knowledgeable about all people though.

In my world, it doesn't mean that at all - asking someone out means.... well, 'shall we spend a bit more time in each other's company and see how we get along?'

formerbabe · 02/06/2015 18:38

So next time he asks you...just say "you choose where we go this time". Simple!

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