How do you reach the end?

[Sussexbelle73]

Posting here for traffic really - things have been terrible in my relationship with DH for a couple years now and I keep thinking its the end of the road but don't seem to have any clarity.
Basically we can't agree on ANYTHING at all, argue constantly (and this has spilled over to in front of the kids which I am not proud of), there is no affection, no love, no sex, no joy- just relentless misery. Its obviously affecting the kids and I feel ashamed of that.
I just don't know why I can't end it or why I am being so passive about it all- I don't even like him most of the time. We have been together 16 years. We parent in a totally opposing way and are just 2 people sharing a house.
Aibu to think i don't know how to end it?

I think you become passive as a reaction to outside hurt - almost as a form of protection. I became so passive I was practically monosyllabic in the latter months of my marriage.

Are you scared to end it? I was.

Yes I think I am scared to end it! Its been so long and yet its unbearable and I do think the kids would be better in a calmer environment!

Very genuinely, what are you scared of? Is it the finality?

Just sit down with him and say it.

'I'm miserable, you're miserable, let's call it a day'

Once it's out there you'll be sort of forced to deal with at and can work out logistics etc.

If you're both miserable he'll probably be relieved you said it.

I think being lonely/alone/not in a couple anymore? Part of me desperately wants the peace of being on my own but the other part is terrified.

I lived like you are and, I don't know, one day it just became so intolerable I had to say "enough". Took six months for him to leave - worst six months ever - but the relief when he went was immense. to you.

I had some really dark days, but a lot of that was because of being so totally alone, with no family and few friends thanks to XH.

It is getting better, slowly, and I am feeling more positive. I expected to immediately feel empowered and euphoric when he left and I didn't, I felt sick with misery and completely, utterly hopeless - a failure in every way. That was hard. It didn't help that XH verbally crucified me when he left and if I'm honest some of what he said resonated and still upsets me now.

But while I'm not out of the woods I am at least in a quiet clearing

It's OK to be scared about this.

But it's not OK to be miserable.

He quite possibly feels the same as you, but for the same reason also just can't find the words and the right moment. It may be best just to let it out. I spent days with the words literally on my lips, but just couldn't face the finality. One afternoon I just said I needed a word and it all tumbled out. Horrible, difficult, how can it not be, but ultimately for the best.

Good luck. Try and be kind to each other.

I hung on for a very long time, until one day it dawned on me he didn't really love me.
So, I asked him - and he didn't. That was the end.

What if you instigated a conversation about it with him? Perhaps hearing his thoughts on the matter would help you to move past whatever's stopping you from taking the next step. He might be devastated and want to do anything he can to save the relationship or he might be indifferent and make you realise how much more you both deserve.

Just take a deep breath and say I want a divorce he is prob thinking the same thing life is too short to be that unhappy and the kids will be better off

For me it was realising I didn't love him enough to put up with all the crap and we both deserved better than that.

It was scary coming to the decision to end things but a huge relief once it was done.