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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About wedding arrangements and newborn

55 replies

dependentspouse · 30/05/2015 22:06

Family wedding (DH's sister) is next weekend, we will be bringing DD1 2.5, and DD2 who will be 4 weeks and is breastfed.

The wedding is a four hour drive away in a hotel, we are driving there after bedtime the night before the wedding with kids in PJs etc as DH can't finish work any earlier. On the day of the wedding the church is about an hour drive away, following which everyone will return to the hotel for drinks, family photos, followed by dinner etc.

The plan which I had agreed with DH and the bride before DD2 was born was that I wouldn't go to the church, but would obviously be there for the rest of the day / evening. One of the brides best friends will have a slightly older baby and is planning to do the same. We have organised a babysitter from 5pm for DD2 and I can nip out to feed her as needed. DD1 will be (hopefully!) mostly supervised by her cousins but will also need minding throughout the day. DH will obviously want to enjoy himself at his DSis's wedding, which I'm fine with, but managing the kids, putting DD1 to bed etc, will be mostly down to me on the day.

Anyway, the wedding is next week, there is a huge backstory but essentially the pre-wedding emotional shit has hit the fan, and the pressure is on me to attend all parts of the day. I'm really worried that I'll end up with an unfed, overtired, screaming baby at some point, whether it's the church, photos or whatever, and will end up totally stressed by the whole day. The newborn isn't a great sleeper, and I have some milk expressed but not enough for the whole day. None of my family are available to come with us and there aren't enough rooms in the hotel anyway.

I do want to be at the church, and it would be much appreciated by the ILs, but is it totally unrealistic to consider doing the whole day? Will I end up missing most of the day anyway sat in a corner feeding? Or am I overthinking and stressing about something which will actually be fine? I attended weddings with DD1 as a baby but with family backup so the thought of doing this is freaking me out! And that's before I even think about my outfit...

OP posts:
rockybalboa · 30/05/2015 23:35

I'd feed in the church. I used to feed all mine wherever and whenever. The baby will be MUCH easier to deal with than the 2.5 yo. Well, if your 2.5 yo is anything like mine have been.... ;)

JassyRadlett · 31/05/2015 00:46

I went to a family funeral when DS was six weeks.

Honestly, it was knackering. Nowhere near as long a day as a wedding, not as much running around, and no toddler.

So much depends on the kind of baby you have, how feeding is going, and a million other variables. Many people found their newborns very portable and easy to pacify - others don't, and that doesn't mean they're less tough or less able, it often means they have tougher babies.

DisappointedOne · 31/05/2015 00:57

Why are you taking this shit? The wedding isn't about you. Do what's best for you and your children. The bride can pull her big girl pants up and get on with it.

blueskydrinking79 · 31/05/2015 01:28

I brought dc2 to a wedding at less than two weeks. Close friends of DH, so not family and ILs minded our toddler.

She is ebf so that made it much easier. Actually enjoyed being able to step out to feed her (might have spent an hour sitting watching telly from eight to nine!). Not sure I could have managed DC1 as well though. Plus bride was great, very understanding and no pressure at all.

As previous posters have said, do what you are comfortable with. Smile and do not add to the bride's stress but go with what works for you on the day. And congrats on your baby!

whiteiris · 31/05/2015 01:52

Goodness, they are being so unreasonable. You stick with what you think you can manage.

GColdtimer · 31/05/2015 02:20

Not sure the problem is feeding the baby in the church, the problem is all the time spent in the car, juggling feeds around that and doing it all on the back of a 4 hour drive (which could become 6 with feed stops, wee stops, nappy change etc) and a newborn who by definition probably won't sleep well.

Of course it's all possible but why the hell lwould you do it. And who chooses a church which is a 2 hour round drip from the venue?!

Also agree your DH should be helping out with bedtime etc

Cherryblossomsinspring · 31/05/2015 06:48

Personally I wouldn't miss any of it. I find breastfed tiny babies very flexible. You can even take 20 mins in the car before going into the church for a feed if needed. If you are very anxious and end up feeding baby for hours each time like some cases I've hears of I can understand sticking with your original plan but I hunk you might be surprised at how easy it actually is to just get on with attending the full day. I would insist that your dh minds your toddler until you are all settled back at the hotel though. You'll have enough with the baby.

MrsNuckyThompson · 31/05/2015 06:55

We went to one of my best friend's weddings when DS was about 8 weeks. I just fed him in the church. I had a cross over dress on and a pashmina. Absolutely no one batted an eye and I spotted at least one other woman doing the same (I only noticed because I was looking).

The logistics sound hard with the driving and I get that it would be easier for you to stay at the hotel but I don't see any reason you couldn't go to the church and feed your little one if you want to.

paxtecum · 31/05/2015 07:00

I think your toddler may not sleep through the 4 hour journey even though it will be past his bedtime. He may be very excited or just want to be asleep in his bed, add a four week old baby who needs feeding and nappy changing, then you may be having a nightmare journey lasting a lot longer than four hours.

I think weddings are exhausting without four hour journeys, toddlers and newborns.

Stick to your original plan.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/05/2015 07:06

Do what you want. Have a nice relaxing day in the hotel. Smile

FishWithABicycle · 31/05/2015 07:10

Whatever you decide is going to work for you WNBU - with a baby this little you are being absolutely heroic going at all and whatever you can best manage is fine. Emotional blackmailers can just fuck off.

That said, you have a week in which to give sling feeding a try. If it works out for you then you may feel you have more options?If you find a wrap-sling works for you, you can buy 5m of some fabulous fabric to match your outfit for the wedding day.

If you go to the ceremony it should be only if you actively want to be there and it won't over-tire and stress you. It's OK to focus on the needs of yourself and your baby and let everyone else's opinions wash away, but with baby firmly installed in the sling and you able to feed wherever you are you may find you can be sitting up front with your DH in church, sitting in the sunshine near where the photos are, in fact sitting wherever you goddamn please, without you getting tired and stressed and without your baby even noticing that anything is going on.

toomuchtooold · 31/05/2015 07:53

Christ on a bike, they want to get married right? Who needs emotional support to say some words in front of people and then go to a party?

I think you'd be totally reasonable to stick to the original plan, which in itself sounds totally knackering to me! I think you are already being very supportive...

Silvercatowner · 31/05/2015 07:57

Good grief - just don't go. It sounds awful.

katienana · 31/05/2015 08:07

I would plan to go to the ceremony but on the day itself be flexible and if you need a rest at any point then go and get one. I bf my ds at 3 weddings before he was one. it was always fine I just wore a wrap dress. I didn't have to hide or miss anything unless I had wanted to.
if there are photos going on and you are feeding then they can wait till you're done or go on without you.

MrsBobDylan · 31/05/2015 08:29

Just as a note, it sounded from your op that dh wasn't planning on shouldering much childcare on the day, which is not on. I would tell him that he can look after your toddler while you manage the 4 week old. And do what suits you on the day. Yanbu and your dh should be telling his sister that you have a 4 week old baby and will be doing what's best for you both.

PoshPenny · 31/05/2015 10:40

I went to a very smart London wedding with a 6 week old. I just went out/went to the back to feed her during the long ceremony (full sung Mass complete with trumpeters from the Household Cavalry) and it was just fine, it really was. There was no way I was going to miss that experience and the bride and groom were happy for me to be there. Nobody minded a bit and I was so worried beforehand. We just did a quick recce before we sat down for the service of where I could go to feed her and I just took the changing bag when we went out. At the reception, she was next to us in her pram, and of course there were a lot of people to help getting the pram up and down the steps. I'm sure it will be fine. Your DH will need to mind DD1 whilst you go out. Weddings should be about families, it's right that you and the baby should be there.

Inertia · 31/05/2015 10:52

Your problem is not the wedding, your problem is that your husband has opted out of being a father for the day so he can relax and enjoy himself. He has a small child and a newborn, he doesn't get time off to get pissed while you struggle with both children.

CuppaSarah · 31/05/2015 11:00

Follow your gut. If you're stressed your baby will be too. She's going to be unsettled as it is after the trip up. Just tell them you will try to make it to the ceremony as you would love to see it, but that if dd2 is very unsettled you realistically won't make it. Remind them that the effects of an unsettled morning will mean an unsetteled day and you don't want them to have a grumpy neice for their entire wedding day.

I hate it when(well meaning) family, feel it's OK to tell you how your child will handle a situation. Then refuse to listen when you explain that's not the case and label you as precious. Do not give in, but feign flexibility. Your tiny baby, your rules.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 31/05/2015 11:01

I really think you should be on Baby Duty and he should be on Toddler duty. All of you attend the daytime. Feed baby as you need wherever that is.

Take yourself abd the kiddies off to bed at 8 for room service and snuggles and DH can let his hair down from then on.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 31/05/2015 11:05

I would miss the ceremony as it's an extra 2 hours of travelling and it's the most stressful bit of the day. It is far more noticeable if a baby starts screaming or a toddler decides to run around a quiet church than during a busy reception. Unless there are fewer than 30 people invited they probably won't even notice that you aren't there.

You have a newborn baby so need to look after yourself and your DH needs to tell his family to stop nagging you into overdoing things. Is he usually supportive towards you?

Athenaviolet · 31/05/2015 11:10

inertia has hit the nail on the head.

Dp needs to take responsibility for the toddler. Then I think you will be ok with the newborn.

I've taken a few day old newborn to a wedding service and it was fine. Hanging about for photos at be a problem so there maybe needs to be a plan for this. Then have a break and come back for dinner.

Original poster
dependentspouse · 31/05/2015 14:02

Thanks for all the opinions! DD1 is a flowergirl so DHwill be in charge of her for the day up to dinner, that won't change as I'll sit at the back of the church if I go.

I used my sling this morning for the first time (I have a new one as didn't really get on with the one I used with DD1) and it is all feeling a bit more doable now. The photos will still be potentially awkward, and I don't want to 'negotiate' the timings, but as lots of you have advised, I'll put a smile on and at least appear to be flexible! I just want it to be over now to be honest!!

OP posts:
Narnia72 · 31/05/2015 14:18

I so missed my opportunity to be a Brideszilla! Wink

My sis was a bridesmaid for me with a 4 month old. It didn't occur to me to dictate any of her movements. Her OH and my mum looked after him during the ceremony, but if she'd needed to feed him she would have just sat at the back or nipped out. I provided a handy shawl in case she felt she wanted the cover.

She was in some of the photos, not in others as she had to feed him.

In your position I would smile and nod at whatever is suggested and then do what suits you on the day. It isn't unheard for a baby to have a fussy few days, especially when out of familiar surroundings...

Hope you manage to enjoy some of it, and well done for even going

FlabulousChix · 31/05/2015 14:51

You have a week to express more milk. Do you use a dummy? Generally newborns sleep all the time only waking to shit and eat

coconutpie · 31/05/2015 15:57

Personally I think it is absolutely bonkers to do a 4-5 hour journey for a wedding with a 4 week old, that is madness. OP - to hell with the blackmailers. Stick to your original plan. Although I wouldn't even have gone to the wedding in your position.