to want some stability?

[galatiansia]

I just registered but have read for a long time.

Title says it all really but here is the b/g. Grew up in army family, moved around all the time. Got to see alot of the world, but meant new life with new friends all the time. Every few yrs. I was never great at school and tried college 3 times but dropped out every time. All of the colleges were in different places. I never found a place I 'fit in'. At the 3rd one I met DH and we got married after 2yrs, had DD1 a year later and now have 3 DC who are now 5, 7, and 9. I've been a SAHM mainly (will get to now in a bit). DH was early career when we met and works in academia, which so far has resulted in moves every 3yrs. I feel like every time I start to settle, DH gets a new position somewhere else.

This time I thought it was different. All the DC are at school so I've got myself a part time job as a secretary and I love my work. DH got a job as a faculty member which is usually a long term position. Have been looking into buying a house and had almost decided on something to offer on. We've not been here long but with what I thought was a permanent job for DH and a job for me, all the DCs settling in in a school and us looking for a house, that this would finally be the place we'd make a home.

But tonight DH has come home and said that he thinks he would like to work elsewhere b/c he feels he's not supported enough in terms of research money where he is, and admitted he's been applying and has some interviews. One that he really want's isn't even in the same country and he's been offered an interview.

I've not said much but I'm upset. I don't want the DC to have hte life I've had with never having a home and never settling. DD1 and DD2 already 7 and 9 and have already moved so much and had to go through losing friends like I did. DD3 is only 5 and I wanted her to have a chance at a permanent home, a chance at going to the same school with the same friends all the way through.

I love DH but I just want some stability now. I'm tired of starting my life over over and over again. I thought I had a home here and now it's being taken from me again. I've told him I really think that if he takes another job in another place, I'm going to want to stay here with the DC and have it be a long distance marrige. I don't know if it would work for us but I'm over moving. I'm tired and I'm done.

DH doesn't understand. He thinks these other jobs are better and he wants to give it a go but only with me and the DC with him. He says he doesn't want to settle for his current job and thinks we could have more in this other country. He said we could settle there and it's just one more move.

but is it? One more move could become just one more move, then just one more move again. I can't see an end and I'm really upset.

I want stability. I want our family to establish a home. I want DH to want that too and I want us to be more important to him than his job but we're not.

Am I being unfair to him? Unreasonable?

Sorry this was long.

Yanbu. He didn't even consult you and it seems,he has,moved a,lot but is still looking for the dream job, which he might never find.

Stability for the children is essential. Like you I moved a lot as a child, not for the same reasons but the result was the same. Always the new child at school, never being settled or having roots and as a result i wanted different for my kids. We've moved once and that was a huge adjustment for them.

I think he needs to look at what he wants, go for the job but stick to your guns and stay where you are with the dc.

YANBU packing up and moving home is a huuge thing to most of us, although it doesn't sound as if it is to your DH. I know you don't want to row about this, but not saying much isn't going to communicate to him your hopes and dreams and priorities. He needs to take these into account. Ultimately, one of you doesn't get your own way, but there are ways of making it better. For example, if he knows you hate moving, and you both agree the next move is definitely the last one, he has a certain length of time to find a job he is prepared to live in long term, say a year or so, so you are not dangling for ever.

I was just offered a job abroad. it sounded like an exciting opportunity. One DC is just about to start GCSEs, and one just finishing, so an ideal time to move. However, both DC have said they don't want to go, so I've turned it down, because their feelings count, and where we are is good enough. Actually, it was nice to hear them both say "we are happy here, we have a good life here..."

Thank you. yes that's the thing - i was always the new kid and the friends I did make always left or I left, being the army b/g we were all always moving. I basically have no friends, just my DDs and DH. Not much family either as both my parents passed away young and DH is NC with his parents for reasonos I'd rather not discuss as they're his (but are v valid). The only real family we have is my aunt and her husband who we do visit at least 3x a year, and I'd hoped more now as we're only an hr away now.

I feel if he sticks it out at his current job he'll get happier and find more support there. TBH I don't understand a whole lot about what he does but I do know that the funding comes in time with the more you establish yourself, so if he gives himself a chance to get established he might find he has what he wants here.

I don't know, I think i see it as him chasing after the perfect position that doesn't really even exist. It's not his fault we moved alot before because he was doing his phd then he did a couple of research positions in other people's labs before getting his own one. He mentioned that he's finding it hard because he doesn't have the money to hire the people he wants, but I wish he'd give it more of a go instead of throwing in the towel so soon and starting again after finally getting one of those positions that could mean a permanent home for us all!