To not know what on earth to do

[Summeblaze]

My DD is 11 and her attitude is just off the scale.

If I ask her to do something she just says no and if I shout at her which is happening more and more, she just shouts and screams at me. She sounds like she is talking to one of her school mates rather than her mum or dad.

If I ban things she says she isn't bothered and I don't think she is. If I ban tv, she will play on her tablet. If I ban both things then she will get some toys out. Nothing works.

She says I am a rubbish mum. I left my job when she was born and didn't go back til she was in year 1. We did the toddler groups and swimming. I try and plan for her to have fun half terms etc and a holiday. I ferry her around to clubs and friends houses. Her friends come round here and sleep over

Where is my sweet girl. AIBU to not know what to do next or am I failing as a mother.

No you're not. She is failing as a daughter right now but she's at that age, not that it's an excuse. I don't have kids that age yet bit I'm sure someone can advise better. Could you sit her down and explain to her she's being so hurtful and ask her opinion on how you can work better together? I remember some families growing up where my friends were polite and respectful no matter what age. I was a brat and a bit cheaper but it's because my mum was kind so I got away with it. They needed to be tougher on me in those days but every personality is different.

Cheaper= of a bitch.

Sounds horrible! But "the child who needs love most will ask for it in the most unloving of ways". She is probably nearing puberty and full of hormones. Whilst you can't allow her to get away with the behaviour and you're right to let her know it's unacceptable, I would also try to keep focused on your relationship with dd, doing nice things together, chatting, watching a film, whatever you both enjoy. You will have more influence if you keep that connection and you will enjoy her more.

littlejohnnydory where does that quote come from please? - it sums up something I have been trying to explain perfectly!

summeblaze I would guess it is a combination of growing up, testing new boundaries and hormones. Perhaps a combination of treating her a bit more grown up, i.e. giving her some more responsibility and a bit of freedom, and ignoring the attitude, just focussing on the task may help.

I know what you're saying and i agree with you. I thought the same but it really doesn't seem to matter how much I give her in terms of fun together, holidays, staying up later with me to watch a film, letting friends stay over, going to every school event, buying her that new pen, she is still acting like this.

Don't get me wrong. When we are doing these things, she is usually sweet and nice but it's as if she can't remember all I do for her if at this moment she isn't getting what she wants.

My DH thinks I do too much for her and that she is spoilt. Not with material items but with the doing stuff.

What do you mean with regards to giving her more freedom. She is allowed out to play with her friends. They go to the local park/shops etc. After school she goes straight out, comes in for tea and if she has no homework she is then out til dusk.

Is this what you meant or do you have other ideas.

Sorry quietly.

I have put posts in other areas before and got no more than a few replies. I have seen plenty of others that aren't really AIBU on here.

Don't comment if you don't want to

Go and get the book 'Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me and Alex Into Town'. Then read it

It will reassure you that you are not alone, and it tells you how to deal with it all, plenty of good advice!

you didn't really say what you are asking her to do, but could it tie in with the things she wants to do - kind of, 'give your room a quick tidy then we'll go to the shops?' type thing. Also I find breaking a job down and giving time to do it works better, so 'can you put your clothes and books away' rather than 'tidy your room'

Look...you can't change her behaviour by pandering to her wants so she'll be nice. She's in the grip of a hormonal shit storm.

Ds1 is 13 and a half. He is exactly as you describe. Defiant and obnoxious. He was always a biddable, good natured, cheerful boy until the hormones kicked in.
I'm certain he'll pan out well...the fundamentals are all in place...but right now it's adolescence we're dealing with and you've got to know how pick your battles for an easier life.

You haven't failed her. She's going through puberty.

I feel for you, OP. I have an almost 10yo, and she is delightful at the moment, but I am dreading puberty and how it might change our relationship. I don't have any useful advice, but I'm sure that you're not a rubbish mum.

giving her more freedom - in your first post you mentioned ferrying her round etc, I wondered if she could get places herself? However, your update clarifies that

If my kids are behaving badly I give them chores to do, if they persist I add to the chores. They learn very quickly that if they want free time to play with friends etc not to be rude. If they take my energy then they have to give it back in a positive way. If they don't do the chore well then they keep doing it untill it is done properly, I do not budge an inch or rise to their anger. Their behaviour has determines their free time.

I think it is important to disengage before you shout. I know it is really hard, but once you shout, you are turning the situation into a shouting match.

The time to talk about your relationship is when you are doing something nice together. you need to decide what sanctions you will have for poor behaviour, make sure she knows in advance what these will be - don't just ban something on the spur of the moment.

You need to be clear in your own mind what your rules, expectations and consequences will be, make sure she knows, then stick to the plan.

For my eldest DS (who was challenging) we sat down and wrote a contract of behaviour which he signed. We each had a copy.

Your DD is still very young. She needs to know that you are the adult and you are in control.

These years are the hardest, most challenging and time consuming of parenting. Toddlers are easy in comparison.

I agree that littlies are easier than teens. In my experience anyway. Ds2 (7) and dd (6) are a picnic compared to ds1, who is hard work atm.

quietlysuggests it's tried and tested that AIBU gets loads of traffic so obviously the OP was hoping to get some good advice or a little sympathy here. Why be so unhelpful (a little bitch) when there is just no need? Seeing so much of this on here and it's totally uncalled for, it's Mumsnet not a flipping law or religion to be followed. People are asking for advice don't you get it???
OP I have no advice other than ride it out I'm sorry

Wtf is it with the topic police at the moment? aibu gets the most traffic hence her posting here, no-one forces you to read every thread do they?
OP I don't have DC of that age yet but I do have a niece and can state she is quite similar in behaviour, she is also a little on the spoilt side so your DH may have a point?

12-14 was the "loud" age for us... start of periods etc... "I hate you, you NEVER do what I want", "let me listen to MY music", rant, rant, rage, rage etc etc followed swiftly by "Can you drop me in town at 11.30?"

Keep the boundaries in place, pick the battles carefully.

It is normal and it will pass...