Aibu... To not want to use

[EdmondDantes]

Just really a question. When you get into a relationship do you not want to use something his/her ex did. Does it change when you get married?

An example would be a bed: fine when you first meet them, you can't expect them to get rid of bed but would you want your own bed if you then got married? One that he/she slept with someone else in.

Does it extend to anything else. Sheets, towels or even sex toys.

Only ask as finally after 8 years (5 married) together we are now considering getting rid of my bed that I had before we got together. (Only had it for 2 years before her) She asked for a change. However did not change it as she was not too fussed as and mattress (tempur) was seriously expensive

My consideration was purely economic and not bothered about any of her stuff.

I bought stuff with me that I'd acquired from all sorts of places, my double bed (from my ex) is now being used in our spare room. We bought a new bed for us but because we needed to, I think I'd have got a new mattress though if we had kept his and ex's bed.

We've got dishes from his ex, his ex's bicycle on permanent loan, a freezer, coaches, TV stand (which I dislike!). But really not that fussed about provenance. Only just replaced towels and sheets inherited 10 years ago from his previous marriage...

I have been a little less than enthusiastic about some of the clothes she bought him to wear, they just didn't suit him, so they've quietly gone to charity shops.

I do remember when my best friend moved in with her now ex. She 'accidentally' dropped the iron his ex had bought so they had to get a new one. Everything of his exes got dropped or damaged and my best friend is the most unjealous person I know. She called it marking her territory.

Both me and DP got rid independently before we met, my ex made me feel sick so I had no problem throwing out.

As for sex toys, what the actual fuck?! No amount of dettol and a wire brush would make me happy to use them secondhand.

Friend had this when she moves into her now dh house he had brought with ex wife. Friend was a bit iffy about it but she brought her stuff in too which helped. They did get rid of bedding and friend used hers.

Interesting thread...

I've been married twice (divorced first H, currently very happy with 2nd DH).
When I married XH his XW had left behind lots of her things when she moved out, she'd bought new ones just before applying for divorce and didn't want old ones. XH was very reluctant to get rid of anything, he was tight with money. I was very young at time and didn't like to make a fuss... so ended up using all her old furniture, crockery and kitchen things! I put my foot down about using her old bedlinen and pillows (it was allocated to guest room instead) and over time I replaced many kitchen things like plates, pans, cutlery etc. I didn't mind using large items of furniture like bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers, dressing table (though admittedly it felt weird at first). I gave them a good clean and after a year or 2 thought of them as mine. When I divorced XH he suggested I take wardrobe, chest of drawers and dressing-table with me, so I did, and I still use them now! They're good-quality solid pine and functional, so it seemed a waste to get rid of them, also I quite like having old things as don't have to be careful with them (e.g. I don't worry about marking them or getting scuffed or chipped when moving house). I'm sure we'll replace them eventually but they've long since lost any associations with original owner.

I don't think it's reasonable for your partner to pressure you into getting rid of bed and Tempur mattress, just because it's not new and was used by your ex. In time it will feel like yours and hers, in the same way you take ownership of a house when you've lived in it together for some time. But I would change anything personal like bedlinen, towels, kitchenware and anything your ex specifically chose, like artwork or curtains. Maybe wash the mattress-cover if it bothers her. Likewise if something has memories or you bought it with ex, maybe relocate it to guest room. I have a couple of lovely pictures and throws that I bought on holiday with XH and my DH doesn't like it that XH was present when I chose them, however he's happy for them to live in guest room!

Never would occur to me to get rid of furniture. My bed is about ten years old and perfectly fine. Although we have bought a new mattress, but only because it needed it.