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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to not offer to give back donated baby clothes?

54 replies

Nessalina · 28/05/2015 20:04

One of my cousins has just found out she's pregnant again. She already has a three year old boy, and when we had our baby last year, although we hardly ever see her (not very close due to age gap & distance) she donated via my aunt a big old box of clothes and quite a few toys, which we were very grateful for. We double checked that they weren't a loan, feeling like it was a bit odd to be giving away stuff that they may use again, but my aunt said she was apparently swearing blind that they weren't having any more kids.
So all her donations got mixed up with our own purchases, gifts etc. Once he'd gone past the age ranges, we boxed up what we will use again (hoping to start trying again later this year), and charity shopped the rest.
Now she's pregnant again, I'm worried that she'll expect clothes back, if not the same ones, then an offer of what we have, but I really don't want to give any away when we will be using it again in the future, and I don't want to loan it out as that gets super complicated... If she'd indicated at all she might want them back I'd have labelled them and kept them separated! I don't even know if she'll ask, but I've no idea what I'll say if she does!
So AIBU to just keep my packed up baby clothes for no.2 in my loft and not offer them to her??

OP posts:

anotherdayanothersquabble · 28/05/2015 22:44

I would take out the very special things your couldn't bear not see another child in and loan the rest to your cousin, saying that anything that is missing, didn't survive and if there was anything that is still usable one her baby if finished with it, you would like it back. The chances are, that you will end up with a larger bag of clothes coming back once she is finished.

ReginaBlitz · 28/05/2015 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BackforGood · 28/05/2015 23:18

I was going to say the same as anotherday.
If there's a particular item that is special to you for some reason, hang on to it, but everything else, offer it to her now, and say you've just added in other bits your dc wore, and, could she just pass a bundle back to you when they outgrow a stage as you are hoping to have another one in the next couple of years.

Isn't that what other people do ?
We used to pass clothes round, throwing out things if they got stained or bobble and adding to the pile where you were given (or bought) new bits and bobs. As a new baby comes along you let them have the pile of newborn/0-3s or whatever, and they do the same - filter stuff that's gone past it's best, top it up with new stuff, and pass it on once it's outgrown.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/05/2015 23:21

Jaysus Regina, calm yourself! You know when you GIVE something to someone, they then own it? You can't expect everyone to give back things you have given, not lent them, just because you've decided you want them back again.

cleanmyhouse · 28/05/2015 23:29

I'm with regina. She did a bloody lovely, kind thing and you're being all grabby about having to do something nice back. It doesn't matter whether it was a gift or a loan. Selfish.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 28/05/2015 23:30

People are fucking weird. And crazy angry at strangers non-problems.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 28/05/2015 23:37

A friend of mine gave me stuff because she wasn't having any more DC. We used the stuff and it was kind of her. Then she had a surprise pg :) so I am going through trying to figure out what was hers and I'm giving her first dibs on my grown out of stuff. It's not that difficult.
If you have to buy new stuff for dc2 then so be it.

DisappointedOne · 28/05/2015 23:48

I leant stuff to BIL and SIL when they had DN. I was very, very clear that it was a loan. They promised to give it back. Instead they passed it around the family for the next 3 babies. When I asked for it back it was in use by someone else. When they were finally done with it all I asked for it back. Got about half and what we got was in a dreadful state, having not been looked after and being used for 4 babies, not the 1 I'd intended. Had to bin most of it. Never again.

Original poster

Nessalina · 29/05/2015 02:19

I know I'm being a bit selfish, but that's just the kind of thing that I worry about Disappointed

I think there's some slightly OTT responses on here, I haven't crept into her house and stolen her kittens or anything I think an expensive Moses basket is a bit of a different kettle of fish to be honest, but if I GAVE one to someone, I still wouldn't expect to get it back again.

We were lent our Moses basket by another friend, along with 4 grobags, and she took a picture of them and emailed it to me at the time, saying 'just so we don't forget which bits are mine!'. So now her sister is pregnant, I've packed the right things up, and sent them back. No trouble, everyone is happy.

Being asked for stuff back that was a gift? Not sure it's cricket really. And labelling a whole box of baby stuff - when the heck would I get chance or want to do that!

I think it's a different issue of she asks for them back tbh. She hasn't asked for anything at the moment, for all I know she only gave me her least loved things and she's got a whole load left to use. What I'm asking is if I'm unreasonable to keep my head down and not offer proactively to pass anything back.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nessalina · 29/05/2015 02:24

To be honest, going out and buying her a little bundle of new stuff would be a lot less trouble than rooting out any remaining old stuff. Or giving her a generous voucher maybe?

OP posts:

Strokethefurrywall · 29/05/2015 02:54

Urgh, baby clothes are such a trial. I've had 2 DS's and after the first boy, I kept all the bits I couldn't bear to be parties with and donated the next lot to charity/next friend with a boy.
Found out we were expecting DS2 and was donated several bags of boys stuff, used what we liked, returned the rest. Now our friends have had the first boy in ages so they've just received 8 bags of clothes and I don't expect them returned.
The idea is to keep what you dont want to be parted with and neutral newborn stuff. You get gifted a crap load of stuff after the second one comes either way!
I wouldn't be too worried about returning the same stuff but is probably a lovely gesture to give them a gift voucher or a few items of clothes depending on the sex.
I wouldn't think you ride if you didn't though!

Strokethefurrywall · 29/05/2015 02:55

*rude

MokunMokun · 29/05/2015 03:04

I was in a similar situation. We were done having kids so I gave away a tonne of stuff to SIL. I then got pg again. I never expected the stuff back. I gave it to her so it was hers.

I think if I were you, I'd just buy a few bits and pieces new and send them with a note saying you're sorry but you thought she wasn't having any more kids so gave away the baby clothes but congratulations. It was her mistake so you don't have anything to feel bad about.

elbowsdontsing2 · 29/05/2015 06:04

i have never heard of borrowing baby clothes ever until i came on mn
ive borrowed or lent big baby items like moses basket sterilizeror a cot but never in a million years would i expect baby clothes back.
babys shit,piss and puke why the hell would you want third hand clothes which are probably stained or faded for your baby.
if an item of clothing is special then dont lend it out
maybe you could ring tell her congratulations and take it from there.
she might not even want the clothes back

MooseyMouse · 29/05/2015 06:07

I think I'd give her a voucher for Mothercare for a bigger amount than I'd give as a gift and explain that the clothes are past their prime and some have gone but you hope this will let her start to restock.

tilder · 29/05/2015 08:05

Fine. You've debated this loads, made yourself feel better and 'in the right'.

You only have two boxes of baby clothes to go through. It would have taken far less time to do that than chat on mn. She was generous to you, its time to return the favour. Have a sort through, send some stuff back and if there is a lot less send a token too.

All this arguing about 'i don't know her well', 'she didn't say it was a loan', 'who wants second hand baby clothes' etc. FFS you were happy to receive, you need to be prepared to give back. It's not that hard.

MokunMokun · 29/05/2015 11:19

tilder the OP already explained that she can't remember which clothes came from this person.

QuinionsRainbow · 29/05/2015 11:45

I only suggest lying to simplify things

Isn't it a fact of life that lying NEVER simplifies things!

Goldmandra · 29/05/2015 11:50

tilder the OP already explained that she can't remember which clothes came from this person.

That's the kind of thing that comes back to you very quickly when you actually look at the clothes.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/05/2015 11:53

Keep your head down. If it's an issue, I'm sure you'll hear via your Aunt. Your plan of action sounds perfectly fine especially about the toys.

Is her second child even being born at the same time of year and will it be the same gender/sex as the first? Lots of reasons why she might have no interest in the stuff she gave you presumably years ago now.

schokolade · 29/05/2015 11:56

Perhaps you could get a toy or some other gift? Not necessary but a nice gesture. Just as her original gesture was nice

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 29/05/2015 11:58

With DC1 I was inundated with hand me downs and gifts from very kind friends and relatives. I'd probably be able to work out what I'd bought but I wouldn't have had a clue who has given what.

But that's irrelevant - OP has already said she's given most stuff to charity as she thought it was a gift not a loan.

OP, if you can, pick out a few things and pass them in whether they were from her originally or not. If you can't, don't worry. If you will worry, pick up a few new bits and send in to her as a gift.

BackforGood · 29/05/2015 16:41

I wouldn't take stuff from people who wanted to "lend" it to me - for all the reasons above - it would just be too much hassle to keep track of what came from whom, plus I'd worry about damaging it.

But I think what most people here are suggesting, is that - as you were happy to accept outgrown clothes from people, then the usual 'done thing' is that, when you aren't using them, you then pass on outgrown things to someone else.
By all means save a particular favourite / special outfit, but generally, just let someone else get a bit of wear out of it, and then accept donations when you next need them. IME, babies grow that quickly, things don't really get worn out before they get outgrown, so just say she can have what you've got but that you are hoping to have another soon, so, as and when her dc outgrows things, you'd appreciate any bundles coming your way. Thanks.

Tryharder · 29/05/2015 17:00

She probably won't ask.

A lot of people like to buy things new in any case.

tilder · 29/05/2015 17:45

I appreciate that she has given a lot to charity. I also appreciate that she has 2 boxes of stuff she has previously sorted through to keep for her next baby. i appreciate some of this will be favourite stuff.

I just think there is an awful lot of entitlement and assumption going around.

If you are happy to accept stuff, you need to be prepared to return the favour. She hadn't even looked. Or asked her cousin what she would like to do.

I think she needs to look, to check what (if anything) is left from her cousins stuff. Offer some stuff plus if necessary a token or something to make up the shortfall. And talk to her cousin.

If I had lent or given baby clothes to someone, I would expect something to come back if I needed it. It's just common courtesy.

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