It's a long story. I've previously written about this but it's gone on a long time and it's causing me such stress and arguments with my husband. I actually want to know if I'm being unreasonable.
So, in a nutshell... DH's brother was getting married abroad, two years ago, and I was about 3/4 months pregnant with DC2. My husband is self employed and so only gets paid if he actually works, and our DC was due around the time of the wedding so we were looking to go for as short a time as possible. We found a flight that got us there the morning of the wedding, (only about an hours flight) and text them to ask what time the wedding was, they wanted to know why and said it was at 12. I replied 'no worries, we were considering a morning flight but obviously we won't now so we'll come the night before.' Reply, 'no, you need to be there for 2 weeks.'
Well, I knew I was having a C Section so even if my baby was born at 39 weeks I would still be within my 6 weeks recovery and not really wanting to go away for two weeks with a tiny newborn, plus my husband very rarely takes holiday and wouldn't use two unpaid weeks for a wedding so we explained this and said we would come for two nights but that was it.
Full scale war broke out, with her crying and screaming at us and demoting my DH from best man and our older child as flower girl. They didn't speak to us for 6 months and it was a horrible time, they were living with DH's parents so it was difficult for us to see them, other family members were told lies about us and it was honestly so stressful I wound up in hospital twice on monitoring because of the stress. We text and called them a lot, but they refused to speak to us... Then decided somehow it was more my fault and constantly asked DH to meet up to discuss the situation but not to bring me. When he refused they just stopped talking to him again too. I wasn't entirely innocent, I ran into her at a toddler group and when a row kicked off she said that she didn't understand why the baby was an issue, and that surely my mum could look after it and we could just come for the whole time. I said 'just because you don't care about leaving your child for two weeks doesn't mean I would ever leave mine!' (She had left her 6 month old with in laws and gone away previously).
My baby was born at 38 weeks and the wedding was 5 weeks later. They didn't call or message or send a card and stopped DH's family from visiting more than once because it was 'awkward'. When she was three weeks old I sent her a picture and said 'this is X, I can't believe you don't know her. Doesn't this all seem ridiculous? Xx' and got nothing.
Two days before the wedding DH was clearly upset. I called his mum and said if I could get a flight for us, would we be welcome as DH didn't want to miss his brothers wedding. She was so happy and said please come.
We flew (in the morning!!) and made it by 12, sat at the back and saw them on the way out and we all hugged, said she looked beautiful etc. They told us to come to the reception and it was horrible, the new best man making jokes about my DH and the situation in the speech.
We flew home after and nothing else was said. They went back to ignoring and I was battling hideous post natal depression, which I (rightly or wrongly) entirely believe was because I had had more than six months of upset, stress and all of DH's family keeping their distance. We had previously been great friends.
Six months later SIL and BIL hit a rough patch, and she ended up taking his son to her home country. He flew back and forth and his little boy visited here and it was an odd setup but apparently they were happy.
After a really hard year I threw my DD a ridiculously over the top first birthday, and invited them. They accepted, came in costume and stayed after the party, it was like old times. She had flown over and it was like a fresh start. In the midst of drinking she told me she moved because of me. That she didn't have many friends left over here and the whole wedding situation meant she lost us too, so had nothing left here. (Ridiculous as she orchestrated the whole thing)
After the party, she went back to not speaking to us.
BIL quit his house and career here and moved there to be with her about four months ago. Apparently a 'trial' and if it doesn't work after a year, they'll divorce.
So, as an aside, my younger DD has problems. I can't know for sure about anything yet but she's under some doctors and approaching her 2nd birthday doesn't really speak and the neurologist has concerns, she is also being tested for hearing problems.
I feel like this has put into perspective for me that I don't want SIL in my life. She had absolutely no regard for the fact I was pregnant when she was ostracising us from everybody, she was messaged when I was in hospital and asked to stop this but she didn't. Who knows why things happen but I'm sure she can't have helped my baby in the way she was treating me.
BIL and SIL are visiting. MIL has asked me to put aside my feelings and make nice with them because she has some 'happy news to share'
Well, she's pregnant, after she left her husband only six months into marriage and is only just making a go of it again, as much as I think that's foolish news it's none of my business, but why should I make nice with her when she's given me two years of hell just because she's pregnant, she didn't for me.
DH is being pressured to leave me behind and go out with them for the day this weekend. He says he should do it for a quiet life and we're massively arguing about this. I think leaving me behind and making nice with them implies I've done something wrong... Which I really feel I haven't. MIL is terrified she will not let her see her child/ren if she says anything, so instead, apparently it's my fault and I'm ripping her boys apart.
I'm sorry it's so long, it's just a long story and it's got to the point where so many people are telling me I'm wrong and I should just see her that I just need some perspective. We gave them so many opportunities, but now need to let go of any feelings we have because she wants to tell us she's pregnant.
So, AIBU? (Hard hat ready!)