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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a quiet word, mother to mother?

23 replies

Hidingbehindclouds · 28/05/2015 18:39

I have a friend who has a dd (18mo) who she constantly comments about not sleeping through the night/tantrums/difficult behaviour.
My DH went over to see his friend (her DH) and when he left at 11.30pm, their dd was asleep on their lounge floor in her clothes.
Friend was socialising with two female friends in the kitchen and seemed unconcerned about dd. This kind of thing isn't unusual behaviour. Their Dd is usually left to do whatever she wants when she visits my home, including things like breaking toys/drawing on things etc with a 'dcs will be dcs' attitude.
Am I being judgey to someone who obviously has a hard time parenting wise, or should I be worried about the dd?
Should I talk to the Mum or mind my own business? AIBU to get involved?

OP posts:

Merguez · 28/05/2015 18:43

Mind your own business

MerryMarigold · 28/05/2015 18:43

Hmmmm...why didn't the dh put her to bed? Or your Dh say something then and there. It would have been more powerful.

I'd suggest you talk to her about how a routine helps sleep, wind down time, stories etc. Is she generally ignored because that's more concerning.

snowglobemouse · 28/05/2015 18:43

yes you're being judgy, yes you should mind your own business

magoria · 28/05/2015 18:45

I think you should mind your own business and not get involved.

You don't know the ins and outs.

Perhaps mum was having a night off with a couple of friends and it was her H on duty that night but he couldn't be bothered and she was trying get him to step up?

I would stop having visits at home or ensure the DD plays where she can be watched and intercepted every time she tries to do something however at 18 months it cannot be malicious.

Snozberry · 28/05/2015 18:46

Why didn't the dad put her to bed either? It depends if you really feel there is neglect or you just don't agree with their parenting. If she is left to look after herself all the time then I would be concerned.

MerryMarigold · 28/05/2015 18:46

I don't think it's being judgey. If your child isn't sleeping properly and you're not helping it, is actually very damaging to health and growth. If the parents smoked in the house and then went on about her asthma, I think it would be appropriate to say something.

NinkyNonkers · 28/05/2015 18:47

Mind your own. If your husband was concerned he should have said something, this isn't solely the mother's remit. This may have been a bad night, child may never fall asleep so when she does they leave her be a bit etc.

YsabellStoHelit · 28/05/2015 18:49

I wouldn't say anything directly but wait until she mentions bad sleep etc again then use that as a chance to talk about bedtime routines and see where it goes.

fortunately · 28/05/2015 18:49

I don't think you should mind your own business at all!

She's supposedly a friend right? So friends help each other out, so next time she complains about behaviour, that's your opportunity to say "oh dd was like that but I was reading somewhere how important a bedtime routine is. Now we do X Y and Z and it has really helped!"

Get involved, give her a bit of friendly advice and everyone will reap the benefits.

Fucks sake sometimes people don't know what they're doing and appreciate a bit of help. MN is bloody mental.

bigkidsdidit · 28/05/2015 18:52

It must be annoying if she lets her daughter sleep anywhere with no routine and then moans if she won't trot to bed obediently at 7. I'd try to say something helpful next time she moans - but it would be a tricky conversation.

guinnessguzzler · 28/05/2015 18:56

If there is an issue, I don't understand why you think it is solely for the mother and not the father? You seem to think it a problem that she was 'socialising' but isn't that exactly what the Dad (your DH's mate) was doing too? Perhaps your DH should have a word with her DH and tell him to get his act together? Or is it just women who have to be responsible parents?

Original poster

Hidingbehindclouds · 28/05/2015 19:00

My DH and her DH were having a work related meeting out of the house - my DH returned to get his keys etc before coming home.

OP posts:

guinnessguzzler · 28/05/2015 19:07

Ok, that really wasn't clear from your OP. In that case, I can see why you find it frustrating to hear her complain when it appears she's not doing much about it but think probably all you can really do is offer support if she seems like she wants it, along the lines of what others have said above. Plus you don't really have the full picture of what went on if your DH was not there throughout the evening.

Anjou · 28/05/2015 19:09

I agree with Fortunately! If she's a true friend and is asking you for your opinion then give it! If she's not bothered about it and it doesn't affect you, then don't.

I don't think the OP is being sexist/non feminist/out of order/naive and thinks "it's the mums responsibility". It's the mum who has mentioned she struggles sometimes and so it's the mum the OP is talking about.

NinkyNonkers · 28/05/2015 19:10

That is different. I would agree that if she says something you could offer advice, but unsolicited would be too much .

magoria · 28/05/2015 19:10

You still don't know if this was a one off and it was easier to let DD do her thing for once than to have her tantruming if she does that every other night when put to bed at 7.

It can't be easy for your friend if her H is out until this late for work. Perhaps she wanted one night off from having to deal with stressful bed time.

Charis1 · 28/05/2015 19:14

I don't think there is anything wrong with sleeping on the lounge floor. It isn't the way I did it, but some people are just a lot more free and easy about this sort of thing. Not a problem, no harm is going to come to a child just because they sleep in different places round the house. Some children sleep far better in the same room, or within earshot of adults, for some families this is normal.

MerryMarigold · 28/05/2015 19:31

Yes, I could understand more if she was in pyjamas adhd perhaps came out of her room, or had a tantrum which mum gave in to add she had guests. But if she was asleep in her clothes (who knows at what time), I think the mum does this fairly often and then on the rare occasion she tries to get her to bed, surprise , surprise she doesn't want to go to sleep. I think if she really is a friend op should bring it up.

BackforGood · 28/05/2015 19:35

I think if someone is chatting to you about the difficulties they are having with their dc not sleeping or behaving, then it's not unreasonable to say "Well, what do you do when..." (they kick off, or they don't want to do x/y/z, or for your bedtime routine, etc.) ? Then you can say "We found it got easier when we did X/Y/Z" or "Have you tried....x/y/z" etc. It's not interfering, it's helping a friend who might not have had that experience and might not have thought to try something.
As long as you don't come over all judgey, or 'look how perfect my dc are'

NorahDentressangle · 28/05/2015 19:36

I would reduce friendship.
Doesn't sound good but not your problem.

Tequilashotfor1 · 28/05/2015 19:37

My cousin raised all her four kids like this. It's not fair and none of them go to bed before 11. The youngest (4) plays on his Xbox which is screwed to the fucking bed till about 2am most nights and then she moans he won't get out of bed for school

voluptuagoodshag · 28/05/2015 19:41

I would only say something if and when she brings it up as a problem again. Something along the lines of ....
' this seems to be a recurring problem, what's her routine?'
Then if the routine is as you suspect then you can continue ...
'well if you are asking my opinion, i think you could try ....'

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 28/05/2015 19:46

Agree with some posters - when she says again about it just ask her what her routine is. Then you can offer advice as to what you do that you've found works (in a gentle way eg someone told me to do x y Z and it works I can help you to try it, or why don't you try it).

You could also let her know they often have family support workers at children's centres who she can go and talk to and who can come out and give her support with it too if she wants.

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