AIBU to have left my daughter at a playdate

[ram2014]

My dd is 6 and has anxiety. It used to be so bad she would cry to the extent of bein sick everyday at school. After 6 months we pulled her out of school amd home educated her. After almost a year she seemed like a different child and wanted to go to school again. She has been going for 8 months amd, although still shy and anxious, she is getting along fantastically and has made lots of friends. Anyway, she has had a few friends come back to play and has been to their homes, but today was the first time she was going round her best friends house. She was so excited, until we stepped foot inside the front door. Them she burst out crying and saying she wants to go home and is going to be sick. We eventually managed to calm her down, and I am just about to leave, when she bursts out crying again. And again we manage to calm her down. Before she again starts crying. I just didn't know what to do. I figured once I left she should be okay. So after 1 hour and 15 mins I eventually tell her I am going now and will be back in a minute, and basically run out the door. It was so emabarrassing. For me and for the other mum. And I felt so sorry for dd's friend. I just didn't know how to handle the situation. She has been there for an hour now and so far I haven't had a call asking me to come ans pick her up, but I am sitting by my phome waiting forthe call. I just don't know how I should have handelled the situation. And whether I should have take dd home with me rather than leave her to play.

I wouldn't have TBH, I'd either have offered to stay or taken her home. I personally think it might make her more anxious to feel that she doesn't have the option of going home or that she isn't going to be taken seriously if she decides something is too much. I would let her stay in control. And if I were the other parent I would hate to be left with a severely distressed child like that.

I would have a plan for next time rather than dragging it out for 90 mins, decide in advance what you are going to do and agree it with the other parent.

Glad it turned out ok, OP - obviously your approach worked for your daughter. It is absolutely nit your fault that she has anxiety though. These things do have a genetic component but that is outside your control. The only thing you can control is helping her deal with it and you are obviously putting a great deal of time and thought into that.

I would buy her a watch so next time you can say to look at the watch and that's what time you will be back.

How did it go, op? You are not the only parent dealing with this and I wish you all the best.

Just read the update (d'oh ) so pleased it went well. Try and think of it not as shyness but as 'she warms up in her own time'. In my experience, even the ones that seem confident have their moments of anxiety. Small steps in a big world. All the best.

Can you talk to BFF's mum to see if she is on board and then have DD build up to it? First time you go for fifteen minutes to shop to buy biscuits. Next time you go for thirty minutes. etc etc. Maybe BFF's mum could set the kitchen timer so DD can check and see. Or perhaps instead you could leave her but after five minutes she can ring if she wants and the next time she can ring after ten minutes etc.

I used to be incredibly anxious as a child. One of the defining moments was when I was about 5-6 yrs and wanted to attend a local dance class - my mum took me every week for 3 weeks but I refused to participate and 'hid' in a corner, watching but not doing anything. The first time mum stayed with me, then she left me at the class to get on with it but I would only sit and watch. I remember wanting to join in but just being so anxious about the social interaction.

After a couple of classes like this the teacher told me that if I didn't join the class I wouldn't be allowed to come again and it was the ultimatum I needed. I joined in.

My social anxiety has stayed with me and even now I find walking into a room of strangers a very difficult thing - but you'd never know it to see me. I speak publicly, lead training courses and have a facade of confidence that I don't think I would have developed if I hadn't been 'forced' to develop coping strategies as a child.

I'm so glad she was ok in the end. I think it's harder for the parent when your child is anxious. My son was like this as a child - he's 14 now and not s trace of anxiety! - and it was very difficult to leave him anywhere. When he was younger, he wouldn't even stay with my husband. In hindsight, I think I made it worse by indulging him ( wrong word but I hope you know what I mean) I never let him feel the pain, I tried to smooth everything out for him. Then a kindly neighbour - who was sick of having to entertain me too while our children played - said the magic words 'You can't take the thorn out of every rose for that child' and the lightbulb went off. It's all about building resilience in your child, learning from difficult situations that they'll be afraid and anxious but that in the end they'll be ok and you'll come back. Gradually they become less anxious, I think talking about a situation before it happens really helps, visualising what's going to happen.

(I say all this as if I've conquered my anxious parenting tendancies but i didn't sleep a wink last night because my dad is having grommets put in and her adenoids removed today and I'm in a state about her waking up without me in the recovery room!!!)

Brilliant, well done op, I knew you'd handled it fine.

Don't blame yourself for passing it on-genetics are strong and we just have to work with them. One of my ds' was totally vegan between the ages of 5 and 7 (because animals had blood in and were dirty) and wouldn't eat food which people had touched or potentially breathed/coughed on. Twas a bloody nightmare but 2 years down the line after help, he's eating lots of foods again. His Dad has this anxiety too and it was inherited not learnt I believe. But he also has his Dad's lovely eyes, kindness and loyalty -I wouldn't change either of them.

So pleased it went well! And you did the right thing by leaving her in the first place, as now she knows it will be ok. Also, my youngest is 5 and I wouldn't be at all impressed if the parents of her 'play-dates' wanted to stay round as well. A bit of independence is good. Well done to all concerned!