To ask to go to see consultant/GP with DH?

[nearlyhadenough]

I will try to make this as easy to understand as possible....

I have been married to DH for 23 years, so I know him fairly well! He is known for being a bit of a storyteller, there are MANY incidents - but I don't want to list them as they are not what I am here for. I just need to set the scene that he is capable of lying and I am able to pick up signs/feelings when he is doing so.

This time last year he began to lose weight - not that he was overweight to begin with - and this caused both of us concern so he went to the GP and was referred to the local hospital for tests. I now this happened because I (sneakily) read a letter that came detailing the consultation - but he hadn't told the consultant the truth..... (that initial appointment was mid -September) DH had further appointments at the hospital presumably to monitor weight/further tests.

At the end of October DH told me that during these tests they had found a small tumour on his lung. Apparently things were now looking good and this is why he was telling me now - he hadn't told me when he found out as he didn't want to worry me.

He said he had been having weekly injections of a drug (he couldn't remember the name) that sounds like 'crisp packet' to shrink the tumour and that it appeared to be working well.

I didn't react to this news as it all sounded a bit odd to me. I did some research the next day and found the cancer drug cisplatin (the nearest to his description) which is used to treat lung cancer - but it is given as an infusion over several hours not an injection and not on a weekly basis. (I am aware that experimental treatments are happening all the time).

DH has had no adverse symptoms - he has diarrhoea but that was present when he was losing weight - but not mentioned when seeing the consultant. He has had no time off work, he does not appear ill in any way, he has not lost any more weight, he has carried on completely as per usual.

A letter came and, yes, I was naughty and looked, it said that DH's weight loss had stabilised and his care was being transferred back to the GP. DH does not know that I have read this..... Letters have not been from the Oncology Dept.

DH's diagnosis was not even mentioned again until during an unrelated discussion I told him that I wasn't sure about his illness and wanted to see the consultant with him, or at least have both of us see our GP together to get the details.

He said he rarely sees the consultant - he goes in to the hospital (doesn't say which department) where a nurse gives him an injection and 10 minutes later he leaves. He won't go to the GP with me as he says there is nothing on the GP's computer as he asked for no information to be kept as he decided to 'just get on with it and not tell anyone'. I asked him to arrange to see his consultant so that I could go as well.

That was 3 weeks ago - nothing had been said so I asked him about it. Apparently the consultant is on holiday at the moment so the next time DH can see him is on the 25th June. He still won't go to the GP with me.

AIBU to want to clarify the situation with a consultant/GP??????

he says there is nothing on the GP's computer as he asked for no information to be kept as he decided to 'just get on with it and not tell anyone."

As pp have said, this would not happen. It is simply not an option. In fact, there would be potentially severe legal implications for the NHS if information about a hospital treatment plan was not forwarded to a patient's GP for their records.

I think you need to dig down inside and think very hard about what your own personal definition of 'love' is, if you describe what you feel for this utter waste of space as 'love'.

It can't have anything to do with respect, liking, feeling supported, listened to, having a sense of someone having your back, having basic ethics in common...nothing, nothing I can think of at all.

Habit?
Fear of loneliness?
Guilt?

You only have one life. Right now, his is a lie, and as a result, you get to live a lie too.

If I were you, I think I would make a solicitor appointment on June 25th. Seeing as you will be at a loose end, so to speak.

You know how ridiculous this sounds to any normal person, yes?

You need to do something.

Nothing about this adds up...the GP who doesn't keep patients health records on their computer, the "care of the elderly team" when he's only 45, the vague descriptions of his cancer treatment. Given his unexplained weight loss, the lying about health appointments, the history of infidelity and his refusal to have sex with you I would be concerned about the possibility of an STI. I know you haven't had sex for some time but as you have "attempted" it I would get yourself tested to be on the safe side.

Hi OP. What an awful situation.

I know a man who lied to his wife that he had a rare form of cancer. He did this (primarily) so that she would go back to work after having had their children, so that they could have a good standard of living (she earned quite a high wage). He kept up his lie and was believed for a couple of years.

He also lied about other things. Over 20 years later, they are locked in their marriage together, but living apart. He is controlling, manipulative and (I believe) quite evil.

Ask yourself if this sounds horrible. If it does, ask yourself if you'd want to be in that woman's situation. Then compare it to your own.

You can try opening up the can of worms, but I worry that he'll cover up his lies with new lies, or bits of truth... You love him, but you are being manipulated by him. Do you want to prolong your marriage further?

If so, try to explain to him that you cannot accept lies anymore. But I think that when someone is in a habit of lying, and telling quite major lies (like your DH does), the habit is extremely hard to break.

Would he ever go to therapy to try to find out and face the reasons that he lies? (not that this is any reason to stay with him, tbh, I think you should split up...)

Sorry you're going thru this OP.

I knew a lier/fantasist a few years ago and I think he truly believed what he was saying. It's quite strange - like a constant break from reality in compartments of their life.

I do think it sounds like he isn't a good husband tho, you mention affairs and things, and lieing about a serious health issue is a totally mental thing to do.

I can see why you are grasping at a genuine opportunity to be in a room with another adult when your dh is actually caught red-handed in a lie. I remember feeling that I so wanted another adult to look at the relationship I had with my Xh and tell me if it was normal.

However, I doubt he would allow this to happen - why would he? He will keep stringing you along for as long as you don't confront him. How was he 'caught out' in previous lies?

The truth is that even if every single one of us was in a relationship exactly like this, it would still be OK for you to find it intolerable and to change your life. You don't need anyone else to tell you that a series of lies from a person you live with but who shows you no physical affection is not really a marriage any more. Do you really not see that your self-esteem is low because your husband is treating you like crap?

Be careful on that day OP. He could get unpleasant when faced with his own deceit.

"Unfortunately, I still love him.... I know, I am a mug!"
Love is not enough. Especially when it is under siege from lies and manipulation.

Thank you all - I just wanted reassurance that I wan't going to far by asking to attend an appointment with him. I thought I was in the wrong and possibly accusing him of something so, so bad that I thought I was being very wrong. I wasn't really expecting all of the other responses.

I am fully aware that I need to leave him and I am seeing a counsellor to enable me to build myself up to a place where I am able to do this, after all our years together he has eroded everything that I have. unfortunately this will take time as I also need to get myself together financially. BUT I will do this.

Thanks again.

yorkshapudding, I have explained earlier why a 45 year old might end up with letters with a Care of the Elderly letterhead. Lots of geriatricians do general medicine as well.

nearly, hope that you can make plans now and that you stay safe until then.

I wish you all the strength, courage, luck and resolve you need to move forward with your life, nearly

All sounds... odd. I can only think of one situation where the hospital is allowed to not communicate with the GP, and that is certain diagnoses at the GUM clinic: put in place to improve odds of seeing a Dr at all. And even then, they try to convince the patient to let them communicate... and there would be meds at home.

He is definitely insulting your intelligence. Actually, he sounds a bit thick, tbh.

Oh dear. I'm guessing that he had the original tests back and apparently it's not incredibly serious as he is back under his GP's care. In the meantime he has come up with a fantasy tale of what he "suffering" from and perhaps is using it to keep you "off his back". That way your relationship can continue as normal and he can avoid facing the issues you have mentioned. What a cruel thing to do, and not very smart as you immediately questioned his not-very-believable tale.

You say he has form for telling stories, is this an ingrained habit of his? I used to work for a pathological liar. It was a really bizarre experience and impossible to deal with. He would say the sky was green if you asked him, he would lie when he had no reason to. Since no one can keep a constant stream of lies straight he was frequently caught in a lie by other employees and clients even. He owned the business so employees couldn't call him on it and clients rarely did. He was an amazing salesman though! Hell to work for though.