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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband ill again

14 replies

aprilanne · 27/05/2015 22:32

i know i sound like a bitch but my husband has been taken to our local mental health unit again this is the sixth times in eighteen months .my husband was always a good father although hard to live with because of his autism .everything had to be so/so .nothing out of place everyone on time that sort of thing .

he has suffered depression for 16 years but was always able to function ie go to work that sort of thing .but the last eighteen months life has fell apart .he was paid of his work only job he has ever had over 30 years .through ill health and although we are secure money wise i am so sad .

My children although early twenties /late teens are suffering because when he is home someone always has to virtually baby sit him to make sure he does nothing stupid .

He has been diagnosed also with a personality disorder .i am just so sick of this stupid illness we are never getting out of the bit .his memory is shocking it is like dealing with a child .We have spent over 26 years together i am only 44 but god sometimes i feel 94 .it is like i am the mother of 4 sons not 3 .i know there is probably folk worse off but i am just so sad for all off us .I try not to blame him but god sometimes it is so hard as i said sorry for sounding like an caring sod .

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 27/05/2015 22:37

Please don't berate yourself for having entirely normal human emotions. It sounds like life has been difficult for you - I get the impression you're at, or close to, breaking point. Do you have any local support? Perhaps we can just talk to you here for now. Flowers

daisychain01 · 27/05/2015 22:39

(Hugs) you and your DH have been dealt a terrible hand through the ill health that has affected all your lives. You don't sound uncaring, just at the end of your tether. I hope you have solid RW support and it's good you have an outlet here to let off steam.

YsabellStoHelit · 27/05/2015 22:43

It is emotionally and physically draining to be a carer. I am currently a fulltime carer to sick DH and I'm not even close to 40 and all our kids are primary age.

Shit happens. I found my local carers centre to be amazing. It is likely that being laid off has sparked a bad chain of events. We had a similar thing happen. It WILL get better I promise. We are 2 1/2 years in now but I have (and still fo sometimes) felt all those things. It's normal xxxxx

silveracorn · 27/05/2015 22:46

You don't sound uncaring or a bitch. You sound like a saint! You've stuck by him through all of these severe illnesses and raised a family alongside that. I'm so sorry he is this unwell, and sorry for you too. Caring for someone with MH issues is a massive burden and strain. Who do you have as support? You come across as though you've run dry. All burned out of empathy and care because it's been sucked out of you too often for too long. You need some in return.
I'd use all available help. Call the Samaritans just to let off steam. See if there's a carer's support network and contact them. Meanwhile, take very good care of yourself. You say money isn't a problem. That at least is one stress fewer. If you are comfortably off, are you spending some of the money to keep your other loads as light as possible: cleaner, ready meals etc? And are you allowing yourself to have fun, proper switch-off-and -about-something-good fun. Do you have close friends nearby who you could get together with to have the kind of night that would really cheer you up, whether it's home with pizzas and a silly film or out dancing.
Make sure you have one or two things in the diary each week for you to look forward to, and something each day which replenishes you in some way.

YsabellStoHelit · 27/05/2015 22:47

Is there a carers board on here? I'm new so not sure but if there is I bet every member says they have these feels

Original poster
aprilanne · 27/05/2015 22:47

thanks .far and daisy .yes i am at breaking point .my only support was my darling mother who died two year ago .My inlaws you know his parents refuse to believe there is anything wrong with him .they don,t like to admit mental health issues .last time his dad told folk it was his blood pressure .i wish that was it .our local services are stretched to there limits .the nurses are nice but even they admit they are understaffed .

To top it all he is also to get another brain scan because of changes .loss of memory and speach .

OP posts:
dogscatsandbabies · 27/05/2015 22:49

I totally get what you mean. I'm on the other side of a physical illness rather than a mental one but from what you've said the emotions are similar.

I've learnt to keep in mind that being pissed off at the situation is not the same thing as being pissed off at your DH, even though they can appear (and feel) concerningly similar. You are totally and absolutely allowed to feel this way.

I hope things get better.

Bunbaker · 27/05/2015 22:50

Some hand holding from me. I hope you manage to find some resolution to this and get some help. Flowers

Original poster
aprilanne · 27/05/2015 22:57

thanks silver acorn ..yes i do get out sometimes with my friends for coffee and cakes sometimes but i have to rely on the eldest two to watch there dad and younger brother who is autistic like his dad .high fuctioning but still not safe to be left alone .I just feel its not fair on them to have to watch him .its not nice for them and pretty undignified for a 49 year old man .

OP posts:
Original poster
aprilanne · 27/05/2015 23:00

dogscats .you are right i am not angry with hubby just his illness and sometimes other folks perception of it .Oh you don,t look ill .eh no because its the brain thats knackered not his legs i sometimes feel like saying to folk .

OP posts:
Original poster
aprilanne · 27/05/2015 23:03

thanks everyone .

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 27/05/2015 23:06

April, I feel for you, and also send [hugs] (if only there was an emoticon for that! Might email MNHQ) Flowers Brew Cake.

Sorry that I can't add anything to what others upthread have said, but I think you are a Star (quite like the emoticons). Understand that you are NOT a bitch, but someone who's given all they have and more. Have you asked social services for relief care? You should definitely qualify. And that should (hopefully) include a carer coming in regularly so you can do something for yourself (evening class?)

And this is off-thread, but congrats to Silver for fewer instead of less! Good grammar! Smile

Original poster
aprilanne · 27/05/2015 23:17

fatmomma i have never thought of the social work department .thought they were just for children and the elderly .i will try and ring them tommorow.maybe can offer something you never know thanks

OP posts:
RusticBlush · 27/05/2015 23:28

You don't sound like a bitch at all - just human and incredibly in need of a break.
I hope you find some support when you contact social services Flowers

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