To expect a bit more?

[BasinHaircut]

This may or may not make sense but I'm yet again really pissed off with DH and TBH wondering what I get out of being married to him.

He doesn't do his fair share of anything. He doesn't do anything round the house unless I ask him, and even then I have to give him a specific task. And if I ask him to do it, but not immediately (I.e. Can you cut the grass this weekend) then he forgets. He thinks that forgetting is a good enough excuse for not doing it, he should make sure he remembers by maybe setting himself a reminder if his memory is that bad. Funny how he never forgets social stuff though...

This morning I blew up because we take turns in taking DS to nursery. On the morning we aren't taking him the agreement is that we get him ready while the other gets sorted, then the person who is taking him can take him downstairs out of the way so that the other can get ready quickly and rush out to work.

Anyway, it's my turn to get him ready so I get up and say to DH that I have to wash my hair so as soon as DS is ready I'm getting in the shower. DH stays im bed until DS is ready and then gets up and so I now have to get sorted with both of them under my feet. DS is only 1.9 and into EVERYTHING. DH does not keep him out of my way as he is now running late and expects me to help him out.

This is a classic example of how selfish he can be. Id already told him I needed more time this morning and got no co-operation. He purposely laid in bed playing on his phone when he could have been getting dressed. He did this knowing It would make me late.

I go downstairs eventually and realise that it was his turn to wash up last night and he hasn't done it. So I call him on it and he says 'I'm going to do it this morning'. Bullshit. He would have left it if I hadn't mentioned it. That's the other thing, if I call him on something that he is supposed to do he says 'I was just about to do it' and it's a blatant lie.

I'm so angry. It's the fact that he Can't accept or admit that he is in the wrong that pisses me off. If I ask him to do something once he doesn't, if I ask h more than once because he hasn't done it I'm nagging. It's fucking disrespectful isn't it? I know my standards are a bit higher than his but if he gave a shit about me then surely he would at least try to meet me half way?

Nice sexist generalisation there gotta, don't you mean "some men"?

No,..I mean Men,..in fact, I think people, including children switch off when they are being moaned or ranted at. People tend to listen when they are being spoken to in a grown up constructive way.
I said Men because we are discussing a man and people are commenting on their own DHs or DPs.

I don't have much helpful advice...

My DH is very, very much like this but it's down to being molly coddled by his mum before I came along. I don't look after him, and he is very slowly learning to be self-sufficient and look after himself.

I do find it exhausting, and I definitely sympathise with you!

May I refer you to my thread asking for Mumsnet to pool their knowledge on this very problem (we didn't get very far either...)

In my experience, what works best is giving over full responsibility, ideally for things where he'll feel the consequences if he doesn't do it, not you or your DS. I think that's why people are focusing on the morning routine - if you could be up and out of the house before either he or DS are awake, and he has to get DS ready and take to nursery, not only will he not be able to shirk, he'll also get a teaching of how much work it actually is to get a kid up and dressed and out the house.

Otherwise you just get all the bullshit methods (some, many) blokes use to avoid pulling their weight. As you're both working his first line of defence - my job is outside the home, yours is outside - is gone. OK then he probably has to admit on paper that you should be sharing the home work 50/50. So now you're onto avoidance tactics, known in Scotland as "kid you're daft and you'll get a free ride on the bus". Forgetting to do it/waiting until you remind them, doing it badly (including the subset of "being in same room as the kids but being so unattentive/boring that they still come to mum for everything"), committing to a project type thing (e.g. say cleaning out the fridge) but needing long uninterrupted chunks of time to do it in, so you end up solo parenting while it's being done, defining things that aren't work as work (e.g. emailing landlord with most recent outrageous behaviour of neighbour with whom you are having a vendetta - yes DH I am looking at you) and so on. Sorry I don't have an answer, I just enjoyed having the chance to rant!

toomuch I think you may have provided my train reading for the way home tonight! Thank you!

Sounds familiar. DH and I share taking DD to nursery. On the days that he takes her, I get her ready. On the days that I take her, I get her ready. In all cases, I have to get up at least half an hour earlier than him to do so. Fucks me off no end. When she goes to school in September (I will be doing the vast majority of drop off), we will have to be out of the house even earlier, which is going to fuck me off even more.

No advice. I share your pain.

I feel for you. He sounds bloody useless. I think I would be tempted to go to work earlier leaving him to get DS ready and take to nursery. He CAN deal with stuff he just chooses not to.

NB by 'go to work earlier' I of course mean 'set off for work earlier and use spare time for coffee/read book/MN/anything other than picking up DP's slack'.

Thought id update you all. We had a chat yesterday about it and DH admitted that forgetting to do things isn't good enough and conceded that he should have got up yesterday morning.

He suggested a rota but I explained how that wouldn't necessarily work for things that he should just notice that need doing or things that are not done with that sort of frequency and we settled on a whiteboard in the kitchen where we can write things that need doing and then all he has to do is remember to check that.

He said he doesn't want to be crap but just doesn't get it (it being what I expect of him).

Just to say though, he is a brilliant father. He is perfectly capable of looking after DS and I've no complaints about that. I just wanted to make that clear. It's the day to day drivel of house -running stuff that he has no sense of or enthusiasm for and just a general 'if I can get away with not doing it then I won't do it' attitude.

Good to know that you two discussed op. So you are going to try the rota? Or another method?

Whilst a rota won't cover everything, it will cover a large amount of housework etc. and since it was his suggestion at a solution I think it's worth trying. I had a rota for a while and it would be a four-weekly one I made on the computer and printed out each month to stick on the wall. Some tasks were daily (washing up, taking the dogs for a walk etc.), some were a few days a week (laundry, hoovering etc.), some were weekly (deep clean of bathroom etc.), some fortnightly (putting recycling bin out etc.) and some four-weekly (putting glass recycling bin out etc.).

We divided up the jobs and there was space to tick off when each was done. It didn't last long because I'm as rubbish at sticking to these things as DH but given a bit of effort I think it could work (and if not at least you haven't dismissed his suggestion).

I know that doesn't cover things you can't 'plan' for as such and have to do as and when they arise but maybe allocate more of the planned stuff to him so you can always sort the unplanned stuff without feeling resentful?

We haven't worked out the detail yet but will go with the whiteboard and putting things up and wiping off as done.

we can have a daily list and a weekend list and a longer term big job list and see how that goes!

Glad you got it sorted out, BasinHaircut.

I've got to say that Gottagetmoving's "generalization" applies to me and I think a lot of people. Like most people if I get it wrong I will feel guilty and put it right if I am given a chance, but if am talked down to, ranted at, called names etc. I switch off and any guilt I felt vanishes instantly.

(I am certainly not accusing the OP of that, just agreeing with Gotta's point).

the problem with shared obs is that the other person often picks up the slack as they do not want to live in a tip.

I'm not saying it's sorted trog, but this is the furthest we've ever got in terms of trying to sort it out.

I must admit that I do talk down to DH when it comes to this sort of stuff and that's wrong of me too. I must stop that.

I am going to browse Amazon for whiteboards at lunchtime!

It's incredibly depressing how many people are saying that they are in a similar situation to this.

Where do you find these men? Why do you marry them??? Unless they were perfectly capable around the house until kids came along?

And OP - if you're partner is behaving like a spoilt, useless little shit, then it's no wonder that you end up talking to him like one.

I can't speak for others but in my case I guess it just wasn't noticable until DS came along as there wasn't as much to do and more time to do it in.

I actually enjoy housework, grocery shopping, cooking, DIY etc so I guess I always just picked up the slack without noticing, plus there was probably less slack as DH also had more time.

Oh how bloody irritating n stressful, I couldn't put up with it. This would actually be a deal breaker for me if, after a serious discussion, he still couldn't be bothered. YANBU.