To have stormed out

[CountryMummy1]

I am quite happy to be told that I am BU as I feel horribly guilty but would welcome any advice on dealing with the situation.

My grandfather is in his 80s and him and my nan lived a very happy, fit life until Xmas this year. DGF had to have his leg amputated due to cancer and shortly after DGM died of pancreatic cancer after a short illness. Obviously we are all devastated and have done our best to support him since. DM, Dsis and I see him every day, spend time with him, get his shopping, sort his finances etc. but he is very hard work.

He is obviously very depressed (as you would be) but won't accept any help or support. He won't see anyone outside the family and says he's not depressed. He was always a bit OCD but this has now got worse and he spends hours checking things and worrying about nonsense little things. We try to reassure him but he won't listen. He has no opinions, only facts- everything he says is right but most of what he says is completely absurd.

My DH and I have taken him with us for a week on holiday to give my poor mum a rest and he is driving her into an early grave. DGF surrounds himself in gloom and misery and every evening we have to endure the worst snippets from the news- child murders, rapes etc. stories which I actively avoid. I try to tell him nicely that we don't want to know about it especially in front of the children but he just ploughs on regardless. Nothing is right, he moans about everything he sees and so far has completely ruined our holiday which was expected to be honest.

However today I have lost my temper with him. At midnight last night by baby woke up unable to breath making the most awful sound. We were petrified. We phoned NHS direct who listened to him and phoned us an ambulance. I went the hours trip to the hospital with him and DH stayed behind with our 3 YO. DS was diagnosed with croup, given steroids and DH picked us up at 7am. We were all knackered,little one is quite poorly and miserable.

Anyway, when we got home and DGF got up we told him what had happened. He said it was my own fault and I shut the children's doors when they were asleep and they have no oxygen hence why they're always ill (they're not). He wouldn't listen to what was actually wrong with DS just went on and on about all the reasons it was my fault like because I took him for a paddle in the sea yesterday. I just lost my temper, stormed out of the caravan where he is staying and haven't seen or spoken to him since.

I just feel like I can't take anymore, like we as a family can't take anymore. I know he feels his life is miserable but he is making all of us miserable and it's not fair on the children.

I have no idea what to do now.

Wait for him to apologise for now. Look after your immediate family. I don't think you can love him out of depression or into playing nice.

No you're not being unreasonable there is only so much shit s human being can take. If he won't accept support and he's got all his facalties about him. Then sadly you can't make the decision for him. Yes you can persuade him and be honest tell him how hard it is, and there's no dressing this up but it is a burden and you can only do so much. You have children to look after, and a lot going on with them, too.You're DGF has had his life, yes some would say a heartless statement but also a true one. yes of course he's depressed he's lost a leg and his soul mate. Who wouldn't be depressed after such trauma and he needs professional help but you don't need me to tell you that
I'm not sure if you could get a carer to maybe go out and speak to him about their services. He is being selfish to you op. With the best will in the world you can't do all this without outside support
I just pray he sees sense of that in certain circumstances you can make decisions for people.

I think YANBU. It sounds like a very difficult, stressful time for you all and after even more worry and stress and very little sleep you snapped. Totally understandable.

I don't know what advice to offer. Hopefully others will be more helpful. Try not to overthink it right now when you're so tired and upset, though.

Yes, I do need a good sleep before I confront the issue. I wouldn't say he has dementia but he is certainly heading down that route- very forgetful, self absorbed etc. so it does make me feel very very guilty when I get cross with him.

I dont think you're being unreasonable and you've had such a scare. But . . Your DGF is old and tired and lonely and scared and hating being a burden - sometimes we only hurt the ones we love. No excuse really but there it is. He's maybe sitting there cursing himself for his rash words.

He is clearly depressed and you must put your children first so you are not being unreasonable.
Somewhere inside him is a sensible clear thinking person but it takes a lot if time to find that and tap into it.
If he talks a lot to people who love him that may help but you know that you must put your life with your children first.
As long as he is still capable of decision making he will have to decide for himself how these later years go. He's probably still grieving too which messes everything up.

next time take your DM and DS on holiday leave him in the company of his carers you all need a holiday from each other

space is good for you

*Dsis

Ynbu. DM just like this. I could have written post,except she has screaming tantrums too. No advice really but you are not alone

Oh my god op what a terrible night, glad your dc is on the mend and I probably.would have reacted in the same way.
I totally agree with Autumn about hurting those we love, he has had a hard time and I think he might be feeling guilty deep.down about the way he treats you.
I think give it a bit more time, have a sleep and tomorrow you will feel better equipped to deal with him again.

In addition, you could say something like "getting more fresh in the room is a good idea. We're going to make sure we open the windows X time before the kids go to bed". Up to you whether you do it, of course, but it might make him feel like he's been helpful. And grit your teeth when he keeps going on about it.
You had a rubbish time. Don't blame you for getting angry. Hope your little one feels better soon

"fresh air" , I meant.

YANBU at all OP. Glad your LO is doing better.

There is no excuse for shirty behaviour. His grief, depression and age do not give him carte blanche to treat you in the way he did.
depression can be very selfish and can inhibit the ability to see beyond yourself. Pulling him up short and not facilitating him will hopefully be a turning point for him. (Please note I say this as a bipolar person).

Thank you everyone. I have had wine and chocolate and cuddles my babies. I will worry about a way forward tomorrow

You aren't being at all unreasonable. There is only so much crap any of us can take before we explode and you have been in a hellishly difficult situation.

He was very rude, and there is no real excuse for it. He has been through a lot too, but that is no reason why you should become his verbal punch bag.

I think once you have had a sleep and feel more up to it then you should point out in no uncertain circumstances how insensitive and appalling his behaviour was, and how you will not tolerate any repeat performances.

He needs some professional carers. He needs to see that his stubborn refusal there is having a detrimental effect on the rest of the family and is unfair. Accepting some form of care package would surely allow him to stay in his own home for longer, preserving more of his independence for as long as possible.

All very easy to say though, and I well remember how stubborn my MIL was about it until a very scary incident.

Hope your little one is continuing to improve.

YANBU but please don't loose contact with your grandfather.

I lost all of my grandparents when I was still very young,but I was extremely close to all of them and still think about them every day and miss them constantly.

We lost my lovely Mum just over a year ago,she was 71 and my poor Dad has really struggled ever since.We've been amazed and so relieved that he's still with us.They had been together since my Mum was 17 so nearly 55 years.She was my Dad's first and last ever love and my Dad was the same for my Mum.

My Dad is nearly 80(he was nearly 40 when I was born)and he was recently taken into hospital with septicemia Thank God he's better now and has been allowed back home.But he has changed,he's changed since he lost my Mum and then having the septicemia and having to be in hospital for 3 weeks has changed him even more.

He can't help that and neither can your poor Grandfather,the world is a much scarier place for my Dad now which I hate,he was a Soldier for years a very highly decorated one and one of the Army's top Prize boxers.He's not the kind of man any one would ever fear anything.But he does he fears living without my Mum,I expect your Grandfather feels the same about living without your Nan.

I know you said he won't seek help,but you can seek help for yourself and your Mum.You could get in touch with someone like age concern.They'll be able to be an understanding listener for yourself and your Mother and more often than not they can help suggest ways that you can get your Grandfather help.

I'm really sorry about your LO,that must have been terrifying,we have 5DC ourselves and I know there's nothing as scary as one of your children needing emergency care.I hope he feels much better soon.

Is your gf getting any treatment for his depression? It might be a good idea for him to see his gp if not.

Carers care package..... I doubt there would be one if he is deemed able to cope or there are relations nearby. Age Concern is a great start as they would have experience and can advise you. The main problem is he doesn't want help and sounds as if he hates the world right now. Glad your baby is ok and hope you get another paddle in the sea.

That sounds so hard. Are you sure he doesn't have dementia? Was he like this a few years ago? He sounds like my grandpa who had dementia, just a cloud of doom and gloom.
For your family's own sanity you need to change the situation. It won't help him if your mum breaks down. If your family backed away a little would he still not accept help?

Yanbu. However he does sound very depressed and needs support from outside the family and some interest. What are his interests apart from negative stories. Have you heard of u3a if he is fit. Is there a care package in place. He reminds me of a patient i used to see who stored up negative stories for my visit im sure. It was very hard and draining, and i tried my best to get one smile out of her per visit. I dont think i ever managed it. This patient was taken into a nursing home for rest bite. My next visit was amazing. I was greeted with smiles and laughter. She was lonely and bored.

I hope the wine and chocolate helps. Please dont let your grandfathers negativity put you off visiting him. Little and often but try and get some interest back. One of my patients who wasnt able to get out expressed an interest in jigsaws so i managed to get a few for her. Xxx

I do think he has a degree of dementia and depression but we have no chance of getting him diagnosed for either as he wouldn't go to the doctors.

You are right about having an interest. He used to just potter round looking after nan so now he has nothing. He has absolutely no interests or friends. He just watches BBC News 24 all day which is enough to make anyone depressed. I have suggested U3A as it sounds amazing but he just looked Incredulous and said why did he want to sit around with a bunch of old people when he has us to talk to?? I think he thinks they'd all just be sat there looking at each other like a bad nursing home...he can't see that they all would have more life in them than him!

As a regular visitor to nursing homes i have asked to join one. I arrived to be taken to the first aid room. On my way i walked through a group making patchwork, a very active wii bowling game (learnt some new bad words), a huge discussion re the tennis (on tv at the time) and one member of staff getting ready for bingo. My parents are very involved with u3a. They do jazz club, art appreciation, geology, german and have just recently given up latin. If i was old enough to join id be doing the craft, patchwork, learning to knit and doing one of the many walking clubs. Tell him the bunch of old people have more energy than young people from what ive seen.

Gosh this sounds just like my MIL... We put up with anxiety and unreasonable behaviour as we were informed that it was anxiety due to losing dear FIL... She had been refusing outside help for about 18 months but we as a family just couldn't cope with her behaviour... A chance referral during an unrelated medical appointment finally led to a diagnosis of early onset dementia... Alas now quite profound.. You have every sympathy and unfortunately all mum's behaviours now are v unreasonable and we can't deal with them in the same way... If you can somehow get a referral... Maybe try phoning his GP with your concerns and he or she may find some way forward for you... We found a day centre for mum who was v v reluctant to go but now loves it... We sold it to her as a fun activity whilst the family were at work and couldn't keep an eye on her all the time .

I wish your family well .

YANBU, but for the record this:

he spends hours checking things and worrying about nonsense little things. We try to reassure him but he won't listen. He has no opinions, only facts- everything he says is right but most of what he says is completely absurd.

won't help. Reassurance I mean. To him they are facts.