Being clever vs being nice

[Albadross]

I wrote this once already and lost it maybe I should've taken that as a sign - I'm not an everyday MNer, but I've noticed a few threads in the past couple of days where people are calling others 'unintelligent' as if it were deserving of punishment to not know everything all the time.

AIBU to think that being decent to others and endeavouring to be nice (especially when you are intelligent) is much more desirable?

Fair enough if someone fully understands every side of an argument and is just being a dick about it, but the beauty of the internet is that you get to learn through debate with a much wider group of people that IRL - that helps solidify knowledge to then be used intelligently to benefit. Hopefully it also means greater empathy through seeing it from different points of view.

I'm not claiming to be perfect just in case anyone thinks that - I'm pretty sure I've been guilty of this when I've been annoyed at my inability to make the case for something I believe. Maybe it's one of those things that's much easier to see from the outside when you're not directly involved.

It feels similar to when people say someone is 'unhinged' or another term that denotes mental illness. I'm just not sure it's actually ok to criticise someone on the basis of their IQ particularly.

Being intelligent doesn't give you a right to be judgemental about another person deliberately.

I've had experiences in the past where I've unwittingly made another person feel bad, but I am pretty open about the fact that being smart about things, doesn't mean I am smart about people, in fact my social skills are very poor - my ability to empathise isn't great sometimes, and I rely on knowledge rather than emotional understanding, which at times means I come across pretty poorly without meaning to.

(Me and my brother argue terribly, he thinks I am a know-it-all and patronising, and I can't communicate with him without making him feel like I am looking down on him, except I am not trying to make him feel like that, I am actually trying to help and understand.)

So what I am saying is, that intelligence isn't the only thing that makes us smart, there are many things that people can be good at, and intelligence is just one of those things. If people don't recognise that, then that is insulting in itself, as is name-calling and being unkind.

There used to be guidance for girls in the olden days
Be good sweet maid and let who will be clever
I have also seen it with 'pretty' instead of clever.
It is surely better to be compassionate and tolerant than to have formally tested cleverness. However to be truly 'good' requires a level of intelligence and understanding of others.

Women had to be good and never complain. Hugely feminist, dreadfully awful.

I've noticed this on various threads over the last week or so and have come to the conclusion that people are trolling. There have been some perfectly reasonable questions asked and statements given only to be met with catty put downs and the advice to 'go educate yourself' by a gaggle of posters. As someone else has stated - fair game if comments are down right racist/bigotted/sexiest etc but I noticed this happening on a comment about the housing crisis the other day when the op had made a perfectly reasonable discussion point. I got so annoyed I came off MN. What is point of having a discussion forum if you are adding nothing constructive to the debate. Explain your reasons as to why you believe differently or go find another thread; Don't just make the comment that someone is thick and then run. That's trolling.

Tea yes - it was that thread that started me thinking about it.

I've noticed it on a relationships thread recently. It made me very sad. A poster was told she was unintelligent for not realising sooner that her violent and generally dodgy husband was being abusive.

Calling her unintelligent didn't help her, and may have discouraged her from accessing further support.

Having been through similar myself, I was so cross on her behalf she left the thread, and I am still wondering if she was able to take anything positive from it.

There is no excuse for telling people they are unintelligent. Even the least educated among us are capable of improving our minds and broadening our outlooks.

In particular, picking on a victim of domestic abuse is kind of inexcusable. Women in that position have had their understanding of what is normal and acceptable systematically eroded over time, and it is not about intelligence!

I think people forget that sometimes people come here because they don't know where else to go - doesn't matter how intelligent you are, nobody's immune to emotional abuse.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2389641-Isnt-about-time-MNHQ-started-deleting-posts-that-attack-peoples-spelling-and-grammar

Sorry that should've been a link - a classic case!

I think it's fine to correct someone, if appropriate (and by that I mean if they're trying to tell you they're better than you), but it's so rarely done appropriately.