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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think it's quite mean of my DH to give me looks when I eat food he thinks I shouldn't be eating and to tell me I lack self control?

88 replies

beestings · 24/05/2015 22:51

Here's the background, sorry this is so long but didn't want to drip feed. Thanks for opinions and advice.

I'm not anywhere near overweight according to BMI and never have been and have three children.

In my early 20s I was very slim and fit and I managed to get back to being relatively healthy after DC1.

When DC2 was born he was very ill and I spent the first year worrying about him and spending no time on myself. Just when it became clear he would be fine and I thought I might get fit again (exercise and eating well) I found out that I was pregnant with DC3.

In that pregnancy I let myself go a little and ate lots of rubbish and did little exercise. I had a horrific birth injury with DC3 (and have an ongoing issue). I felt pretty shit about myself and felt quite fat and unattractive (and stretch marked). Even at this point I was in the middle of the BMI normal range. Around this time DH went on a fitness overdrive. He's always been slim, but he started working out a lot, and controlling his diet and he started to see good results. This is when he started telling me I ought to get to the gym and eat healthily and every time I ate too much or not the right thing or too little of the right thing in front of him he would give me looks or roll his eyes. I was still breastfeeding and was in no fit state mentally given all I'd been through in the previous 2 years to really get myself to the gym and to eat healthily. I was very upset with him.

Around 6 months later I finally got up the courage to get back into exercise and I lost some weight and got fitter again. A month later I was pregnant again though I had a late miscarriage at 16 weeks. I ended up putting all the weight I had lost in the summer back on and felt pretty shit about myself all winter. Cue DH giving me looks and telling me to get into the gym because he's 'concerned' about me. We eventually had it out and he agreed that what he was doing was not nice or helpful. A few weeks later I got back into gear and started exercising again and got fitter but didn't manage to shift any weight.

So today I'm 5 weeks pregnant again and trying to be careful but am starving and quite nauseous when not eating. At a children's birthday party this afternoon I ate a small sandwich and was standing next to DH and saw a look from him. When we talked about it later he finally admitted that he is being judgemental and that he thinks that I have no self control. He also said sorry and that it's not really any of his business.

What do I do with him? I really don't know anymore. I feel pretty shit and all his looks are making me feel worse, but I'm pregnant again and hoping to stay that way so can only really try to eat healthily. (He's fitter than ever and looks pretty good (on the outside, though I think he's pretty ugly on the inside)).

(I can get plenty of help with the kids so this is not really an excuse.)

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 24/05/2015 23:45

he finally admitted that he is being judgemental and that he thinks that I have no self control

Why does it matter to him whether you have self-control.

LaurieFairyCake · 24/05/2015 23:46

If you're not overweight according to BMI then your slim enough and healthy - that's what BMI means.

Have you tried saying something like "my BMI is in the normal range and I am not overweight. I don't give you permission to judge my weight until my BMI goes into the overweight category. Even if you then do judge my weight keep it to yourself unless I want to discuss it"

BettyCatKitten · 24/05/2015 23:46

Controlling behaviour. If I were you I'd eat a whole tube of Pringles in front of him.
You are pregnant and you ate a small sandwich and he tells you you have no self control!
Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Next he will be bullying the dc's about their eating and causing lasting emotional damage.

MorrisZapp · 24/05/2015 23:49

I guess you want a big family with a guy who is ugly on the inside, in your view. You can hope he'll change but he probably won't. If he was awful to you following a birth injury and during BF then he is a poor excuse for a man and a father in my books but you want another baby so I guess life is a compromise?

I can't think of anything constructive to say, sorry!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 24/05/2015 23:51

If he can't control his face then why should you control your behaviour.
He needs to get over himself and not be so shallow. Pregnancy takes a toll on a woman. The more pregnancies, the closer together, the bigger the toll.
If you add a twat loading guilt on to you too then it's taking a mental toll too.
He needs to celebrate your body as the thing that grew your children. If you're a normal bmi then you're good and he has the problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/05/2015 23:51

Op I woukd make this baby your last with him, seriously look to a future without him. He sounds awful, you have been through so much, he is treating you like rubbish.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2015 23:52

What a sorry excuse for a person.

Who even does stuff like that. Well obviously other than a cruel bastard

beestings · 24/05/2015 23:53

LaurieFairyCake YES! I mean, no, I haven't said that, but that's exactly what I should say. Thank you.

DirtyKnickers I do care. That's why I'm trying to figure out what the h*ll to do.

Have been struggling to figure out how to make this all clear to him without ranting.

Also, am wondering whether he can really change, and whether this just makes him a horrible person all round, or whether it is salvageable.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 24/05/2015 23:54

Sounds like he has an unhealthy obsession with his own weight and looks and now with yours.

Clearly his obsession is overriding common sense, empathy, kindness and understanding, he is indeed ugly on the inside however wonderful the outer wrapping.

Tell him he needs to make drastic improvements to his personality because slim and fit can't hide or compensate for downright nastiness.

beestings · 24/05/2015 23:57

Ok, thanks for your thoughts. I guess I need to seriously consider my future with him.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 25/05/2015 00:00

It's also counter productive. I'm a stone overweight and now and then I'll moan about it, go on a health kick etc. DP will helpfully say 'do you think you should be eating that' and I will instantly fly into a rage which only Nutella straight from the jar can assuage.

It's just such a sore and personal point for most women. Never mind those dealing with being pg etc, and you aren't even overweight. I'd buy a fish supper every time he so much as raised one eyebrow. And inhale it, ostentatiously.

BettyCatKitten · 25/05/2015 00:20

Eat what you want op, fuck him!

Mousefinkle · 25/05/2015 07:30

Hmm. I'll play a bit of Devils advocate here. Is it possible he's just trying to look out for you and your health? You say he started to get into fitness and living very healthily so is it possible he's seen the amazing benefits it's had for him and he just wants you to experience the same?

I say this primarily because I'm sort of the same with DH. I've lost 100lbs over the past year and have gone from being very obese and depressed to healthy, happy and totally obsessed with exercise and healthy eating. I do the eye rolling and tutting when DH buys endless pastries, packets of biscuits and sweets. Mainly because I find them to be pointless, he eats the entire pack in one sitting and it makes me feel sick and I worry about the effect on his overall health- his heart and teeth mainly. So I do tell him that perhaps he should be eating fruit instead of that pack of biscuits or I jokingly call him a pig. He knows I have the best intentions. He's not overweight at all either but it's still not a healthy way to live.

Just wondering if your DH feels the same. Perhaps concerned for you and can sense you're a bit down about the way you look so he wants to help? Got to be cruel to be kind sometimes Wink.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 25/05/2015 07:40

Mouse where does the op say she buys endless pastries and sweets or that she is down about her weight?
Your situation is completely different so it's beyond unhelpful to project your motivations onto her excuse for a husband. This is a pregnant woman who needs sustenance and he judged her publicly for eating a sandwich. Is that loving support in your world?

Nishky · 25/05/2015 07:42

Did you read the thread Mouse, the bit where she is 5 weeks pregnant after a loss at 16 weeks. He should be wrapping her in cotton wool.

I feel sorry for your husband - I am I a similar position, having lost 5 stones, I am concerned about my other half's health, but I would never say anything hurtful to him - your husband us happy being called a pig because he knows you mean well? Dream on.

Salene · 25/05/2015 07:43

Tell him to sling his fucking hook, and if and when you decide you will get fit again and feel and look fabulous but as for him he will always be a ugly prick , no amount of gym & healthy eating will sort that
Sorry if be raging at him and make it clear he opens his mouth again and says something condescending he will be out in his fucking skinny arse before he can say lettuce

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2015 07:48

Mousefinkle have you missed the fact that she's not overweight, is pregnant and it was a sandwich that generated this reaction from him?

Yanbu op, he sounds like an arsehole. It would make me very unhappy.

MargoReadbetter · 25/05/2015 07:52

He sounds a bully. You've lived with him for at least 5 years. How likely is he to change? Will he be rolling his eyes when his kids 'disappoint' him in some way, and what will you do then?

WyrdByrd · 25/05/2015 07:54

He sounds vile tbh, but you obviously know him well enough to see some redeeming features so...

Does he have a regular trainer at the gym who could have a word? Failing that, midwife or GP (although I suspect he's more likely to listen to the former).

Of course he should be listening to you or not behaving like a bellend in the first place, but perhaps an 'expert' might be able to get through to him.

contractor6 · 25/05/2015 07:56

Spike his protein shakes with lard. Honestly though, eat what you want and can in pregnancy, your body tells you what it wants. (doesn't bread contain folic acid? Therefore sandwich is vv good) congratulations on pregnancy Flowers

PrimalLass · 25/05/2015 08:01

Does he want a large family too? It sounds like he is trying to tell you something. It also sounds like he is an utter dick.

Timetoask · 25/05/2015 08:09

Please don't LTB only on account of this! You don't mention him being controlling in any other way. He clearly has issues with food which he is projecting on you, it is salvageable! Don't fight over it, have a serious level headed talk about it.

guiltynetter · 25/05/2015 08:12

mousefinkle you sound like a real delight. and your post is totally unhelpful, and sounds like you didn't read the first post. she isn't overweight AND she's pregnant. and she ate one sandwich.

expatinscotland · 25/05/2015 08:17

What Morris said.

Nothing more insufferable than a controlling food/health bore.

JeanSeberg · 25/05/2015 08:24

My first thought when you mentioned his sudden interest in the gym was another woman.