In regard to DD and MIL

[AmIveryunreasonable]

Okay - so name changed for this. My DD (13) has been asked to represent my husbands country in her chosen sport (she has dual nationality). We are so immensely proud. However such representation means she needs to be in husbands country on two long occasions this year. Here is problem - MIL and partner are prolific smokers and live in a one bed roomed apartment. There is no way DD should stay with them (where would she sleep for one and the smoking room environment for the other). However they are currently staying with us (smoking in my conservatory) and MIL very upset that DD staying with husbands friend when she goes over to compete and not with them. We have explained re one bedroom thing and she has said she will share bed with DD and partner will go to his grown up daughters house. Feel dreadful as she only her grandchildren approx 3/4 times a year. BUT she always does this re guilt trip - we usually go over every summer and stay with the. (in their one bedroom very smokey apartment). AIBU to put foot down over this - should say she works soooo hard at chosen sport to spoil it by being in a smoky environment and sharing a bed with her grandmother (which at 13 I am not sure she would want to anyway). There is a 'history' between us in which she always stamps her foot and gets her own way (hence smoking in my house).

YADNBU-whatsoever!!

1. Second hand smoke for any period of time will impede dds performance - as someone who isn't used to being around smokers, her throat and lungs would be incredibly irritated. She might well develop a cough, sore nippy watery eyes etc. Just no!
2. What 13yo wants to bed share with their grandmother?
3. Don't let dd begin her event having been stuck in a smoky car from the airport (at an absolute push, I suppose they could do the return journey once dd has competed although it'd be over my dead body)
4. Stop letting this woman's petulant childishness dictate what happens in your home! No way should anyone be polluting a non smokers home with their stink. Lend her a very big jacket, an umberella and a camping chair and introduce her to the great outdoors!
5. A HUGE well done to your dd!! What an achievement!!

Firstly, congrats to your DD. To represent her country at 13 is amazing. I assume you'll be 'outed' at the next olympics!!!!!

Am I wrong in assuming that your DD will be the only one traveling? Is it a solo sport? Is her coach going with her? And where will he stay? Should she not be near other team members/reserves, even if they are residents of MIL's country (unless MIL lives in a country the size of a postage stamp!) so they can practice or whatever together. Is that your way out?

Good luck. and Good Luck to your DD

Your DH needs to stop his M bullying you - how dare her partner have a go at you. I am annoyed on your behalf. Talk to your DH - and get him to insist they don't smoke in your house - most of the smokers I know don't even smoke inside their own homes.

Oh blimey you are all so kind - Thankyou so much - just what I needed to hear.
Wherethefuckismyfuckingcoat - I totally totally think this !!!
fat momma - her coach (amazing coach) is not going with her as he is not a national coach for this team - however once she is dropped of at team hotel she will be wig her team - Yes it is a solo sport mostly
Redshoeblueshoe - I so agree with you bit my DH feels guilty that we live here and they in another country so he lets his mum dictate unfortunately - however he is (with my 'help') getting stronger. He was very upset tonight :(

YABU to let her smoke in your house and even ask, whether your DD should stay in smoky environment and share bed with her grandmother.

Thankyou Lady - I feel very unreasonable tonight - I can 'see' MIL point but she can never see ours and that is the problem !! I think though DH feeling strong on this one and he as peed off as me !

Really there's a simple answer to the guilt trips: MIL, DD can't come to stay with you because she needs her sleep and won't get it if she has to share a bed; however, she can see more of you if you stop smoking. The ball is entirely in your court, dMIL, and if you are sad about it the remedy lies in your hands.

Icimoi - Have tried tonight BUT MIL partner has told me they don't smoke in car (bollocks) so they would be fine to pick / drop daughter off.

They are smoking in your conservatory? Well sorry but you sound stupid for saying you don't want your dd around them smoking in their home, car etc as a conservatory is still a room in your house Ffs. If you are going to do something do it properly and tell the fuckers to have some respect and smoke in the garden!

You are right - there is no way they will not be smoking in their car if they smoke in your house cheeky buggers Is it a long drive from the airport to the hotel ? If its quite short I could see you agreeing - but not if its a long one. (I forgot to say earlier - well done to your DD )

You answered my question, though, AmIVery... there IS a team hotel. Are you avoiding it because of cost.

Because there are a LOT of good arguments about why they should all be staying in the same place without having to go down any personal road....

(feel sorry for your DH, btw)

Fatmomna she us staying in team hotel - it's free as she representing country (yay - not any things for free) However there is the first night she travels to country and night before she travels home that she needs to stay somewhere - hence asking friends who are also DD godparents.
journey from airport to friends house is about 1.5 hours ! From our perspective easier all round if friend does it -but obv from MIL perspective we are excluding her (which to be fair we are). I think I am annoyed as they always make it about them - when we go over for 'our holiday' and 'stay' with them (6 people in one bed roomed apartment) they want to do 'everything' together and get offended if we so own thing - Alao like us to be home at certain times for yo tea etc !

I feel sorry for DH and a bit guilty as he would let her stay with MIL BUT I have said NO !

YANBU. Smoking is a choice. They clearly choose to overstep the limits when staying in your family home so you cannot trust them to stick to the limits on their own turf. My mother is similarly manipulative when it comes to not getting her own way. I find it easiest to not engage in the argument and just keep repeating myself I.e. I'm not happy for dd to stay in a smoky environment, there will be plenty of chances for you to see her while she's over. I would probably also add 'you've not been able to stick to my requests not to smoke in my home so I'm not able to see how you'll be able to stick to any promises in yours'. (I an a bit harsh with smoking though, I had childhood asthma until my father left and took his nasty habbit with him when I was a teen - funnily enough it cleared up pretty quickly after that).

Can you speak to her coach? Or use the coach as the "bad person" and say that you asked the coach but they were adamant that even being around smokers might affect her performance.

And, presumably, they can go and watch her compete which you can't do.

"No, she will not be staying with you. We have made other arrangements." Preferably said by your DH.

And next time don't share so much information with her. If you had not told her the details she wouldn't know there were 2 nights to grab, would she?

Good luck, especially to your DD.

YANBU.
Sharing a bed with her granny in a smoke filled house sounds like a horrible arrangement for a 13 year old. I like the others suggestions about blaming it on the coach or something similar.

It's your mils choice to smoke and its your daughter's right not to have that inflicted on her. You have to firm about it and tell your mil that you won't have your daughter in that environment.
I think you are being too accommodating to have them smoke in your conservatory too,...smokers who come to my house smoke outside.
I gave up smoking a while ago but even I did not smoke in my own house,..I went outside.
Don't be swayed by the crying thing,...that's manipulation, she is a grown woman who chooses cigarettes over her grandchildren.

Thank you all so much. She is not a bad person really - I realise we have been accommodating re them smoking in our house but I don't like confrontation and neither does my husband. Anyway they have gone hone now. I already don't think they are keen on me so this will be the icing on the cake. I do feel sorry for MIL and get that she doesn't see her grandchildren very often. I did stick to my guns though and kept saying that she is going over for her sport and not for a holiday and if it wasn't for her sport she wouldn't be going over.

No. One of my friends has just been diagnosed with lung cancer from secondary smoking (parents chain smoked and he spent a lot of time in pubs as a youngster before the smoking ban). I would say prioritise your daughters health. Not only that but smoking makes everything smell -clothes, hair and skin. It won't be nice for her turning up smelling like a smoker.

At 13, your DD is plenty old enough to make the decision for herself. I don't mean be bullied into it by your MIL but just ask her what she would prefer to do, and take that into consideration. (But probably best not to tell MIL that DD doesn't want to stay with her, if that's the case. Shield DD from MIL's emotional blackmail as much as you can.)

Well you both need to stop feeling guilty about doing what is best for your daughter!