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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should end it?

41 replies

Peoplekeepstealingmyusername · 24/05/2015 18:57

I've been with my current partner for a few months now, he's a lovely man, when he's being attentitive he truly treats me like a princess (cringe at saying that) but, he can pull away, cancelling dates etc. He uses the fact that his mother is ill to explain why he can't see me, I have met his mother, she's a lovely woman but, I know he idolises her and would put her before me in a heartbeat (not a problem, I'd never make him choose). Yet, I do wonder if I am being unreasonable because I feel so let down and frustrated, even unwanted when he doesn't talk to me for days or cancels dates because of her. I don't know what her illness is, he won't tell me, but I do know I'd like to be able to support her as well, he just won't let me into this one aspect. Would I be unreasonable to walk away? I keep thinking what if we have kids and I disagree with his mother on something? Or we get married and I need him to stand by me in something but he puts his mother first? Or at Christmas? I'd want to spend at least every other with my family, but I don't know how he'd feel about that?
If anyone thinks I'm overreacting please tell me, Icould do with having some sense knocked into me, I'm just sick of having to chase him when he disapears into himself for his mother's sake like this, it makes me feel like he would rather not be with me.

OP posts:

silverglitterpisser · 24/05/2015 19:50

Time to move on, OP. His evasiveness does not bode well imo. Find someone who includes u in his life properly .

FryOneFatManic · 24/05/2015 20:02

I'd also suspect another woman who isn't his mum.

In any case, I couldn't be bothered with this kind of behaviour.

Bearbehind · 24/05/2015 20:15

I'd be amazed if there's not another woman.

If he won't tell you what's wrong with his mum it's because there is nothing wrong with her.

Kangaroosjump · 24/05/2015 20:18

Even if it's all true. Run for the hills.

My marriage will never work out, he'll never cut the apron strings. EVER

Trills · 24/05/2015 20:19

The only reason you need to walk away is "I'm not happy".

And you're not.

You don't even need to tell him the details if you don't want to, you can just say you don't see a future together (which is true).

Totality22 · 24/05/2015 20:29

Good lord, bin this man immediately.

I wouldn't even waste my time working out what is going on to be honest.

In those early days you should be in your "honeymoon phase" and if you are not happy now think how you will feel months / years down the line!

My relationship gauge has always been how that honeymoon phase is and if it's not right then it's time to admit defeat... this has served me well and many friend and family members too. early on in a relationship should be the best time

YouTheCat · 24/05/2015 20:29

Classic potential abuser behaviour. Treat you really well. Then back off. Then treat well again. Then subtly begin undermining confidence. Make now emotionally dependent partner feel like crap. Then build them up again. Be jealous and obsessive and blame the abused for everything that's wrong.

He'll never change. And you will never be able to be happy with a man who treats you as second best. Run.

Original poster

Peoplekeepstealingmyusername · 24/05/2015 20:29

Saying "I'm not happy" makes so much sense, and reading that it struck a cord, I'm not happy, I'm not being treated like a friend, let alone a girl friend. I Have to end it, even if I have fallen hard (which I have stupidly so) thank you all, it's time to find someone who is better to me.

OP posts:

oneowlgirl · 24/05/2015 20:40

I agree with the other posters Op - it really shouldn't be this hard & definite alarm bells with potentially someone else on the scene.

Sorry it's worked out this way, but you'll be better off in the long run.

MammaTJ · 24/05/2015 20:47

So not worth putting yourself through all this is it is like this so early on.

There is another woman and it is not necessarily his mother, even if it is, that is not normal behaviour!

CarbeDiem · 24/05/2015 21:00

If I was in a new relationship now then I'd probably have to cancel some dates and not be able to give 100% of my attention to a new partner but I'd have already been open and honest about my own mums ill health and the fact she is dying so they would already know.
That said you do sound unhappy with the situation and I don't get why he hasn't told you about his mums illness (I know he doesn't have to and ultimately it is up to his mum if she wants people to know) you could potentially be part of his future and I find it a bit weird that he's not being open and doing everything he can to alleviate your concerns.
As others have said, I'd be suspicious that there's nothing wrong with his mum and he's got another woman on the go.

ahbollocks · 24/05/2015 21:03

Another woman, not his mama.

eyebags63 · 24/05/2015 21:04

How dare he put his sick mother higher on his list of priorities than his 'few month' old girlfriend. Shocking!

Maybe he senses your unpleasant attitude and doesn't want to let you get too close at the moment.

Charlotte3333 · 24/05/2015 21:09

I don't think it matters what his Mothers illness is, or even if there's another woman. The early stages of a relationship are the wonderful butterflies-in-bellies moments. Feeling like shit should kick in later, when you've got kids and a dog and the cat's puked on the stairs and the youngest child won't stop sleeping in your bed even though it's 4 years old (can you guess how last night went in our house?). If he's not making your life better, he doesn't deserve to be in it.

Life isn't always hearts and flowers, there do come times when other things take priority over your relationship. But this isn't what I'd consider to be the normal beginning of a healthy relationship. And, cliched as it is, you deserve the best.

WalterMittyish · 24/05/2015 21:15

Oh, eyebags, it's not really about the mother's illness (real or imaginary), is it?

This is a man who disappears for days on end with no contact, then accuses her of infidelity when he eventually resurfaces.

What a catch

Gabilan · 24/05/2015 21:17

"How dare he put his sick mother higher on his list of priorities than his 'few month' old girlfriend. Shocking"

The OP made it quite clear that she knows his mother is his priority, it's just that she is upset when the boyfriend doesn't speak to her for days on end.

OP, I spent a year with someone who put his (not sick but intensely irritating at best) mother before me every time. I think part of growing up is the ability to have some distance from your parents so that you can forge a relationship with a partner. At one stage he invited me to his dad's birthday celebration and his mother said I couldn't go. He sided with his mother.

My parents actually rather liked him. When we split up I told them about the uninviting thing. They were quite shocked. And lest anyone think I don't prioritise my own parents, my dad said that had his parents pulled the same stunt as my boyfriend's mother, he would have told them to take a running jump.

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