How do you deal with people thinking Yabu?

[KindergartenKop]

I have a 3 year old and a 5mth old and I'm having trouble dealing with people's opinions of my parenting because I think I need approval. The main problems come from dm and dmil.

Dm and my late df brought us up in the 80s but in quite a 50s/60s style. We weren't really listened to, weekends and holidays were adult centred. Dm also worked full time, leaving us with a nanny. I see why she did this, but I often feel she doesn't understand the challenges of juggling 2 small children. I often feel she disapproves of my parenting choices. She suggests leaving newborns to cry in a room of their own straight away and thinks I'm too soft when I say I'm not doing it. She thinks I'm too soft because sometimes I negotiate with my toddler to win bigger battles like letting him take teddy to the park in order to get him out of the house. She's never going to agree with my choices but I find the disapproval so hard to deal with.

On the other hand, dmil is a similar age but from a different culture and has a much more risk averse nature. She gasps if ds falls over (a lot of gasping!) and if the baby cries in the pushchair she wants to take him out, even though I know it's overtired crying and he's about to drop off. When ds1 was born she made us check with the midwife that the Moses basket was soft enough. She's never going to agree with my choices but I find the disapproval hard to deal with!

How do I deal with my feelings of inadequacy? AIBU to be finding this difficult?

Just take their comments as they come, smile and nod politely and treat your children exactly how you want to treat them, you are their Mum. Other peoples' opinions do not matter, you emphatically do not need their approval, being Mum gives you authority over them. Their disapproval does not matter, it's irrelevant.

Ask yourself why do you think their opinion is worth more than yours? Why do you give them permission to undermine you?

Maybe see dm and mil a little less often.

Totally agree with Blank

Get friends your own age and spend less time with dm/mil.

They have had their parenting time. This is your time now. You are in charge.

See them less and get out more with other mums

It is not that you need to deal with their feelings but you must learn now that YOU are the boss. Dismiss their opinions. It takes a while a new parent to learn that you don't always have to defer to older women.

We spend our lives letting older women tell us what to do so when we suddenly need to take charge, it's a bit of a challenge.

Don't discuss your parenting with them...don't talk to them about any challenges you face....just do as you do and don't respond to their suggestions....not even to say "Oh really?" or to argue with them....just don't answer...change the subject. They will get the picture.

Oh blimey. That sounds exhausting. I think I'd just cut down on the time you spend with them. I think the nervous parent might respond to: when you gasp all the time, it makes me feel very nervous. I know you're concerned about the kids, trust me, I am too, but you need to trust me. Do you think you can do that?

The other one I think you might have to be a bit more brutal. You've raised your children, now it's my turn. If I want your advice I'll ask for it, otherwise please keep your opinions to yourself. With this one you do have to throw them a bone occasionally, ask for opinions on something that doesnt really mater in the greater scheme of things.

Every single person on this earth has their own opinion on how to bring up kids. Yours and DH are the only ones that matter.

However - your parents and DH's parents can't have done too bad a job bringing you both up - you are alive and still talking to them - so some of their opinions will be valid too.

The joy is that you are the parent this time - so you get to choose what to do no matter who has what opinion. And remember it is ok to think they may be right sometimes too.. it does not have to be an all or nothing thing.

I get out with other mums a lot, don't worry! Interestingly I think I err towards the stern/non precious end of the spectrum in comparison with my peers. This is why my dm's comments grate a bit I think!