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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate unannounced visitors?

78 replies

CheerfulYank · 24/05/2015 00:31

DS2 was born Monday. We brought him home Wednesday but he's been back at the hospital briefly every day to check his bilirubin. He's nursing constantly, as is to be expected. We also have DS1 (7) and DD (almost 2) who are adjusting.

I bruised my tailbone quite badly during the birth and am generally sore and exhausted and overwhelmed, which of course will pass.

This afternoon DH was giving the other two their lunch while I nursed the baby. My top was still up and I was putting him to sleep in the bouncer when there was a knock at the door. It was DH's two cousins who wanted to "stop by and see the new model".

They seemed shocked to see me in pajama bottoms and sort of surprised that I just sat there ( I was trying to hide my wiggly stomach sticking out of my far too tight T-shirt, complete with milk stains). My hair was a mess and I could have used a shower.

The house was similarly shocking. Not dirty, but lots of stuff piled around, DDs toys all over, etc.

AIBU to wonder why they didn't call? And to be irritated that they came by?

They are a bit lonely I think (single sisters in their fifties, they've lived together in the same house since they were teens) and don't have kids so don't have the exhausted newborn memories. :) I was polite of course and promised to bring the kids to see them when we're a little more adjusted but...arghhh!

OP posts:
confusedandemployed · 24/05/2015 06:18

Normally I'd say YABU because it really doesn't bother me if people just show up. However when a new baby is involved I always wait for permission to visit from the family.
Congrats CheerfulYank, I remember when you announced your pregnancy Grin seems like only last week!

CherryLips1980 · 24/05/2015 06:44

YADNBU. And Congratulations! Flowers Cake

When I had DD I had a week long ban on anyone coming to see us. SIL ignored it totally and rocked up at the hospital the day after I had her. [cross] and later whinged to DP that I wasn't very talkative. As it was, I was readmitted on day 5 and became desperate for visitors who didn't come as I'd had a mega tantrum about people coming over Blush

This time (DS is 3+5 now) the only boundaries I set was that we got some warning before people came round. Unfortunately some people (the other SIL) thought sending me a text which read 'I'm parked on your drive, get the kettle on!' was adequate notice....

Stand your ground! I already miss the first week of a newborn.

CherryLips1980 · 24/05/2015 06:45

(Oh, and I hate unannounced visitors anyway, let alone when you have a newborn. So no matter what the rest of your post said, it was always going to be a YADNBU from me!)

bonzo77 · 24/05/2015 07:24

YANBU. I had very similar the day after I'd been discharged after a cs. Fucking mil and her sil arrived unannounced. Woke the baby. I rushed to get it as expecting mw and DH was out getting supplies. Slammed the door in her face, saying we'd asked people to call first! Actually the stupid bitch (and fil and sil) overstepped similar boundaries when ds2 was is nicu. Still makes me cross. Now pg with ds3 and I will be setting boundaries very clearly this time.

PunkrockerGirl · 24/05/2015 07:32

YANBU. I find it rude and intrusive even without a newborn baby!
Congratulations Flowers

ChatEnOeuf · 24/05/2015 08:30

Our neighbours did this when DD was born, but they were lovely about it. All congratulations and asking how I was as well as admiring the wonderful new human we'd created :) And they bought chocolate. Lovely folks and only stayed a minute, didn't expect tea and biscuits, etc. They could also go away easily if DH had answered the door and said, 'could you come back another time' and would have completely done so without complaint.

Everyone else called beforehand and arranged a time to come - it's just good manners is it not?!

I've since moved to a country where turning up unannounced at someone's house is considered the height of rudeness, regardless of situation.

TheCatsMother99 · 24/05/2015 08:35

Congratulations!!

YANBU by the way, not at all.

Ledkr · 24/05/2015 08:43

I don't like visitors full stop Grin

Tranquilitybaby · 24/05/2015 08:56

Yanbu

It's so rude I think, I'd never turn up unannounced at somebody's door, especially when a new baby is involved. How hard is it to phone ahead? Urgh.

So glad our lounge is at the back of the house now, so we can ignore the door. Call waiting in the phone rocks too! Lol

BettyBoblin · 24/05/2015 09:08

YANBU. I find unexpected visiting rude and an invasion of my privacy. MIL and FIL have walked straight in without calling first or even knocking on a few occasions. I clearly remember having an awful postnatal day, crying over not coping, while cleaning the floor, babe on hip, and they just let themselves in and walked right through the house to where I was sobbing. I had no idea they were coming let alone not knocking and just walking right on in. I didn't want to be seen like that. Dh had a polite " Please call/ text first" chat and now they hardly come over at all, even to spend time with their grandkids :-(

Original poster
CheerfulYank · 24/05/2015 09:24

Come to think of it I feel like I do remember a story going around about these particular cousins and how they'd dropped by SILs house...either she wasn't home or was there only briefly before heading out, and I think they were really put out about it. Confused

Though I've just remembered they sent me a birthday card last week and I should have said thank you today. Dammit. Oh well.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheerfulYank · 24/05/2015 09:24

Aw Betty. I hate those days!

OP posts:
SomewhereIBelong · 24/05/2015 09:34

here family rock up anytime, pitch in and help out, friends ring first.

was delighted when MIL turned up day 2 - I was "skanky" - she took baby, got FIL to mow the grass, hoovered the floor, made a cottage pie for us all for tea later - all whilst I had a decent long shower and got dressed - then made me a cuppa with some biscuits and left for home saying, "thanks for letting us hold her for a bit, have a well earned rest".

I looked around and just thought how lucky I was...

LavenderRain · 24/05/2015 09:43

Congratulations on your new DS Thanks
I remember your thread when you first found out you were pregnant and now here he is! Smile

maddening · 24/05/2015 09:47

Do you invite them over Betty?

FryOneFatManic · 24/05/2015 09:49

SomewhereIBelong I think the difference between your kind of visitors and the experiences of others is that your visitors came and helped.

The other visitors came expecting to be entertained/hosted, which is not what a new mother wants when they're already trying to get other stuff done such as establishing feeding.

I think it's great you got that help. Hope I can be so helpful if I ever get grandchildren.

CheerfulYank Congratulations Thanks

afreshstartplease · 24/05/2015 09:53

Congratulations on your baby

I hate unannounced visitors and I don't have a newborn! I like a minimum of two hours notice to tidy and feel unflustered

I would ignore the door if it was someone I really didn't want in

SomewhereIBelong · 24/05/2015 09:54

Fry - I know, but sometimes people will rock up not knowing what to do - if you just say -"kettle's in the kitchen, help yourself, I'll have tea please, here hold the little one whilst I freshen up, great to have a couple of extra pairs of hands" the visit turns out quite differently.

Your house, take control, get them doing what needs doing or tell them to go.

BackforGood · 24/05/2015 09:57

YABU to worry about what the house looked like, or the fact you were not 'dressed'. That's the point - if you pop by on the off chance, then there is no expectation that you will have gone to any trouble to prepare for the visit. Much better for you and everyone. they've not come to see the house, they've come to see the new baby and to congratulate you.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 24/05/2015 09:58

somewhere your mil sounds lovely !!

Mine just turned up eith random friends and expected me to jump up a make tea Angry

SomewhereIBelong · 24/05/2015 09:58

oh - and congratulations Yank - hope all is going well...

just put all visitors in charge of something, they'll either be helpful, or not come again... win,win

meglet · 24/05/2015 10:01

yanbu. I wouldn't have let them in. Personally I found visitors after having a new baby very intrusive.

If I'm in pain, tired and half naked I like to be left in peace.

FryOneFatManic · 24/05/2015 10:39

SomewhereIBelong Agree with your comments, although I do think some people would find it hard to ask visitors to help, especially if those visitors are the kind to kick off if asked to actually make their own cuppa, etc.

I know that if I'd had my DCs when in my 20s, I'd have found it harder to be firm with visitors than when I actually had my DCs when I was in my 30s. And certainly these days, I have no problem at all in being firm.

ScorpioMermaid · 24/05/2015 11:54

YANBU

I hate it. hate it at the best of times never mind when you've just had a baby.

JoanHickson · 24/05/2015 13:37

I think it's inhospitable to somewhere, far better to not answer the door and entertain when you are up to it, so it's enjoyable for all.

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