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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go and speak to nursery manager regarding my DNephew?

45 replies

StripyYellowSocks · 22/05/2015 11:49

Hello. Please give me some perspective on this issue. I don't think I did anything wrong but I will consider your opinions if you think otherwise.

My Dsis has a 7mo DS who is in nursery full time. He has been attending said nursery for about 6 weeks now with no problems, he seems to really enjoy it. One day a week DSis works very late and her Dh usually works unsocial hours. On this day I pick up my DN and look after him in their home until Dsis or Bil comes home. I offered to do this, it would save them money on having to pay for a babysitter and most importantly I love the quality time with my DN.

So last night I went to pick DN up and could see him playing through the door. There were 2 other babies and one nursery worker sitting with them, back to the door so she didn't see me. DN was happily babbling away and smiling with another baby, I thought how lovely and was just standing there watching them for a moment, smiling at this.

DN, little bugger that he is reached over and grabbed the other baby's bib and she was pulled slightly side ways. Now, I fully expected the nursery worker to tell him off with a "ah ah, we don't pull other baby's bibs. Don't do that." Or something along those lines but instead she grabbed DN's arm and roughly pulled him.away from the baby and said in a raised voice "NO! Don't be a bad boy!" DN then started to cry and she lifted him and not-very-gently set him on the other side of her, and he fell back on the floor, bumping his head. I was flabbergasted tbh, and was extremely shocked to see a nursery worker treat a 7 month old baby like this when he doesn't know any better :(

When I opened the door she turned round and when she saw it was me she very quickly lifted crying DN off the floor and hugged him saying "oh it's ok. We're just a little unsettled aren't we?". I was not impressed and asked her why he was on the floor crying. She said it was because he was tired and was falling asleep. So blatantly lied to me.

I got DN and went straight to the nursery manager, who was horrified, and reassured me she would deal with the nursery worker appropriately. I was really annoyed that someone who works with young children would be so rough and snappy with them.

When I got to DSis house I fought with myself over whether to call her or wait til.she got home. I reasoned that if it were my child I would like to be told asap, so sent her a text asking her to ring me on her next break. When she rang, I told her everything and she was very annoyed, as expected. Was a bit off with me, but I assumed she was just angry because of the way her ds was treated.

Whenever she came home later, she asked me again what exactly had happened. I went over it again and she sighed and then said in a nasty tone "why did you go to the manager for?! You should have just told me and I would have dealt with it in the morning for fuck sake, I'm his mum."

Well to be honest I was very hurt by this. Yes, of course she is his mum, but I am his aunt, and I saw everything that happened, I was just trying to protect DN, but Dsis said I "stepped on her toes" and is fairly pissed off with me :(.

WIBU to go to the nursery manager instead of letting my Dsis deal with it? I love DN and thought I was doing the right thing, I was enraged by the way be was treated and felt sad for him. If it was your DC would you have been annoyed if their aunt went and spoke to nursery manager?

OP posts:

BeCool · 22/05/2015 15:26

YANBU - I would have done the same things you did OP (except I would have told DSis when I saw her as my thinking would be it's non urgent and I wouldn't want to shock her at work when there was nothing she could do).

wrapsuperstar · 22/05/2015 15:26

I would have thanked you too. I would've cried for my baby, I would have been raging at that nursery worker (and I too agree that this warrants dismissal; the baby is 7 months old for goodness' sake! Horrifying!), but I would have been so grateful that my teeny baby had you there as a witness and advocate.

I hope that the nursery manager deals with this appropriately and swiftly and your sister is ok.

MaxPepsi · 22/05/2015 15:34

I would imagine you would be damned if you damned if you don't in this scenario.

I have a nephew who I am particularly close to, although he's my brothers son. I would have done exactly the same thing and more. I'd have told the worker I had seen what she'd done and then reported her.

The only thing I wouldn't have done is told my brother by text. I'd have waited until he was home.

BackforGood · 22/05/2015 15:37

YWNBU.
You had to raise it there and then as a) it was straight away and would be able to be reported and investigated whilst still fresh in everyone (you and the Nursery worker's) minds and b) it was you that witnessed it, not your sister.

Perhaps ask her what she would have wanted if another parent picking up their child had witnessed it - presumably she would have wanted them to say something too. This is about the conduct of a member of staff, but specifically an issue about her ds.

BackforGood · 22/05/2015 15:39

What I meant to say is, everybody who sees anyone treating any child poorly, should act upon what they see. It's not about your sister and her relationship with the Nursery at all.

NKfell · 22/05/2015 15:43

YANBU but I can see your sister's pov.

I would have done the same and like others have said, I'd have told the manager even if it was a strangers child.

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 22/05/2015 15:53

Yanbu, but neither is she. Would she sit down with you? If so I would explain that the only reason you went to the manager was because it was such a severe and shocking reaction. Knowing it would be disciplinary level you knew they'd need a first hand account and you would have done the same even if it was a different child involved because it was about the staff member more than dn in this case. However on anything else that is general day to day stuff you would absolutely speak to her before anyone else.

Alanna1 · 22/05/2015 15:54

You did the right thing in reporting inmediately.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/05/2015 15:55

YANBU!! At all. I would have done exactly the same.

I think (hope) your sister will realise that when she calms down.

I felt my eyes physically widen when I read the part about her being so rough with a baby!

spiderlight · 22/05/2015 16:02

You totally did the right thing! What's going to have more of an impact: 'I just saw...' while holding a crying baby or 'My sister told me she saw...' the next day? Surely if you'd left it, the manager would have thought 'Well, if it was that bad, why didn't she come and speak to me there and then?'

Your sister will be feeling wobbly about the whole thing but you 100% did the right thing and she'll realise that once she calms down.

tiggytape · 22/05/2015 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Patapouf · 22/05/2015 16:06

YANBU you did the right thing! I wouldn't be supplying free childcare to a sister that spoke to me like that though.

TedAndLola · 22/05/2015 16:11

YANBU and unlike others, I can't see your sister's side of this at all and think she is being totally unreasonable. Well done for speaking up, some people would have just ignored this.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/05/2015 16:14

You totally did the right thing, what you witnessed was not acceptable, and you were the one who witnessed it, not her. You have all the information, not her. If is is off with you, I would suggest, that next time, she collects DN.

DonnaKebab66 · 22/05/2015 16:42

I think you were right. I'd have done the same. Your sister probably will do too once she's calmed down. She's likely upset and taking it out on you.

Tangerineandturquoise · 22/05/2015 16:50

It needed reporting right away- not when your sister finds a minute to pop in to see the manager, because actually in the interim that woman is responsible for other children, this way staff could intervene imeadiately and safeguarding procedures could be put in place.
Your sister probably does have guilt issues, -and maybe a hierarchy issue, but this involved the safety of your nephew and all the other babies that woman looks after and that goes beyond hierarchy and maternal pride.

Once you hand the mantle on to someone else then you have to accept you will miss stuff, it will be gutting, but you will miss stuff, If she wants you to act in-loco parentis then she has to accept that at times you will do what she would have done had she been there, and this is one of those times, it sounds like her last comment means she has issues with this, which she needs to work on because her son has another many many years, before he isn't her little boy anymore, and other things will crop up that she will miss.

Tangerineandturquoise · 22/05/2015 16:57

But just to add that doesn't mean she wont be feeling terrible right now about her precious tiny boy which is probably why she is being a bit off.

BalloonSlayer · 22/05/2015 16:59

The complaint would carry more weight coming from you and being made immediately.

In your shoes I'd apologise to Sis but say that the above is why you did it.

Also, if she has any issues in the future her complaint will be seen as fresh and not: "That old moaner StripeysSis at it again."

Momagain1 · 22/05/2015 17:00

I agree with Mellowjello any adult that witnesses any infant being treated like that needs to deal with it immediately. It had nothing to do with your relationship. Waiting to tell your sister and her waiting until the next day would have both diluted and confused the story. You were the eyewitness.

NRomanoff · 22/05/2015 17:12

YWNBU, but I understand your sister too. It was the right thing to do.

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