To feel really lonely?

[britespark1]

First post (although long-time lurker) so do bear with me. I know I am lucky in many ways, 3 gorgeous boys and a hard-working husband but I feel really sad and lonely just lately. I only have one good local friend whom I don't see often due to our family commitments. My other friends are now spread out around the country so obviously don't see them often either. When we do meet, it is once or twice at most a year, and it is fab, but in the meantime contact is virtually non-existent. A couple in particular don't reply to most email/texts at all so how we ever meet at all is surprising.

My husband has a good job but works long hours and because our boys are so very young, any kind of socialising is difficult at best. My in-laws are lovely and my own mother is amazing, helping a lot with the boys during the day, but I am being greedy to really want some good friends? It will be a while before going back to work and as hubby frequently gets home around 8.30-9pm I can't really arrange to do anything in the week so don't see how things can ever get better.

I'm especially sensitive at the moment as we go on holiday soon and our friends who live in the area have just let us know they are too busy to meet up as planned, and my two sister in laws (one of whom I thought had become a friend in its own right) are suddenly besties, leaving me feel even more alone.

Am I being pathetic at 35 to be moping around feeling sorry for myself?

What about volunteering? Might be a way to meet new people. Yanbu at all, but if you can, get out there and start joining stuff. Good luck

Not pathetic at all. Could you join a group one make friends with some local mums/dads?

Yanbu but you can fix it. Do you go to any groups with the kids?

There's not really anyone to watch then boys for me as my mom helps out in the day so much, I feel like I can't ask her to do anymore, plus she is going back to work soon. Everyone else already works. I did go to slimming world but only go to get weighed every few weeks now (on a Saturday morning!) as I am target member but the hassle I had getting hubby to get home on time for me once a week in the early days was ridiculous (I used to go on a Thursday pm). My eldest is at nursery but the others do go to playgroups -perhaps the problem there is my mom is with me so although there are people im friendly with, it's still sort of from afar. When im going on my own with the little one I am hopeful of meetong friendly people there.

Not at all. It is a very difficult stage, especially when you can't commit to anything in the evenings.

Are you working at the moment? Are there any nice people you could meet up with at work or at playgroups or on the school run and suggest a coffee and see how it goes?

I'm in a similar position so I sympathise, although I have made some friends at an activity the children do which has really helped.

What about meetup? That's focused around activities so it takes the pressure off the actual face-to-face socialising. I've used it mainly to follow my interests (climbing and hillwalking) rather than making friends, but I have made some by accident anyway and I was a bit billy-no-mates before, being roughly in the same boat as you except my husband doesn't work such long hours.

You're not being unreasonable, you can't help feeling lonely. It's a very difficult heavy feeling to shake once it descends. Hope you feel brighter soon.

I've been worried I might feel like this once the mania of my soon to be 3 under 3 children grow a bit and don't need me so much. We've moved somewhere I've no friends yet and I work from home so rarely meet new people. My kids are out more than me! So I was thinking Golf. There's loads of clubs nearby. I've never played but it seems something I could take up later in life and hopefully there will be drinks and dinners and tournaments that go with it. Would you consider a club like that op?

I mean weekend activities by the way - I see that you can't really do anything int he evenings at the moment.

Are you on maternity leave? What about work friends?

Neighbours? Mums at school?

Organise something with your sister in laws

I left work in nov 2010 on maternity leave (police officer believe it or not!) but officially resigned after baby number 3........

there is one really lovely mom who I talk to on the nursery run but sometimes feel my desperation must be painfully obvious so don't want to pester her too much.

And thank you all for the replies. Just needed some sensible words in black and white I think as my head is all jumbled

Yes and no.

I understand how lonely it feels being stuck on your own all day with just young children for company but if you want more friends, you have to make a lot more effort to attract them. Moaning about it won't solve your problem. It will just make you more aware of it.

You're just going to have to keep trying new avenues until you've increased your social circle sufficiently. Are the children at school yet? If not, start joining mums and toddler groups and similar activities.

When your mum comes to babysit, don't stay home but use that time to go out and meet new people. I know it's a cliché but joining groups, striking up conversations with strangers, arranging play dates etc. you have to put in a lot of effort in, in the short term if you want to change your current situation. New friends won't magically appear bearing gifts!

Eldest will start school in sept, middle one will start am nursery and little one will do a couple of mornings at playgroup (where he stays without me) so come sept I hope things can/will be different. I shall try putting myself out there more when I can and stop being such a scaredy cat.

YANBU. You feel as you feel. Do you have any interests, hobbies or anything that you'd like to do? Are there any activities locally you could get involved in as a way of meeting new people? Even stuff you feel a bit 'meh' about, but could as a pinch try, might be worth a shot.

A lot of my friendships imploded when I got divorced and divided loyalties scared a fair few of them off (very disappointing and grim). But over the last 10 years I've met people through evening classes and the WI who have gone on to become 'proper' friends.

Have you invited the lovely Mum on the nursery run round for a coffee and a chat? If not, I found making the first move really good. I'm not a natural extrovert, but over the years have become a bit more forward and willing to initiate things because sometimes other people also daredn't make the first move.

i think at various stages in life, you can find yourself a bit out on a limb - after uni, new job, maternity leave, young family, divorce, old age etc - so my philosophy is to try out new things wherever poss and if you think someone is on your wavelength, invite them for a cuppa and a chat. The lovely Mum might feel just like you feel and be so glad of a get together and some adult conversation.

Thank you Institute. I actually love slimming world (!) so perhaps instead of rushing back home from weigh in on a Saturday I should stay for the whole class. I would love to do some sort of course and get my brain working again but just can't decide what subject to go for......

I haven't asked her round for coffee but I really should, especially as her daughter and my son will be in same class at school. After the school break I will definitely do it. We have many of the same opinions on certain issues that crop up at playgroup and nursery and she does seem fab.

Can you afford a babysitter once a month? Then join an evening group (see for example Meetup) and commit to spending some time on yourself.

I actually never thought of hiring a babysitter as so far only family have helped out when something special came up. It is worth considering though definitely, thank you.

I really relate op. No words of wisdom but it is bloody lonely with young kids at times. Put yourself out there and ask the mum over for a play date and develop your own interests. Be positive, the pre school years can be a hard slog but it gets much easier. Remember, loads of other mums feel the same as you and would be delighted to get to know you

It helps knowing it isn't just me who feels this way :-) and it is definitely time to try and put myself first, even if very occasionally.

Bless you, no!

Do you have a local mums FB group for your area? You could post asking if anyone wants to hang out with you and your little ones. You'll probably get replies from someone in the same boat. St Albans has an entire group dedicated to Social Shenanigans for mums who want to meet others and people organise them almost every day.

If that's too blatant, lots of people on our FB group ask for tiny favours, eg, 'to borrow a 12mth summer weight sleeping bag for a week for our holiday'. I always look out for ways to do these little favours, offer them a cuppa when they pop by (maybe a bit like buying friends, but have met lovely people that way!)

Thanks Princess! I shall have a look on FB. When it's just me and the little munchkins come September im hoping it will be easier to mingle at playgroup :-)