AIBU to be annoyed that my father was smoking a cigar near my 6 month old baby?

[GiantHulkHands]

My dad went on holiday last week and decided to start smoking cigars again after a break of about a year. He was a heavy smoker of cigarettes when I was growing up and it took him a huge effort to stop smoking which he did, about a decade ago, due to declining health.

My baby is 6 months old and I phoned my parents last night and asked if I could come over for a visit today. My parents both know how anti-smoking I am; I used to work in a Stop Smoking project and I don't like being near smokers. They didn't tell me last night that my dad had started smoking again.

When I went to their house, the baby was sitting in her chair in the living room and my dad shut the door between the conservatory and the living room and lit up a cigar. I could smell it straight away; the baby's hat and cardigan and nursing bag were in there with him and I was really annoyed. I told my mum that she could have warned me that dad had started smoking again and she said I was being unreasonable because if I had been told, I wouldn't have brought the baby round for a visit, which is not true but a heads up would have been appreciated.

Am I being unreasonable to have expected a heads up that my dad had started smoking again when I intended to bring my 6 month old baby round to their house?

I think you might be being a tad PFB, he was in another room and it was only the once.

He was in another room? Just ask him to go outside in future.

I told my mum that she could have warned me that dad had started smoking again and she said I was being unreasonable because if I had been told, I wouldn't have brought the baby round for a visit That would worry me. Essentially, if they disagree with you or don't like an aspect of your parenting, they will lie to you, rather than acquiescing or talking to you about it.

YANBU. You'll need to go wash all your baby's clothes now, nappy bag etc because of his stupidity.

Third hand smoke (on fabrics, breath etc) is something that midwives advise about routinely now. I've just had our third DC, and I wouldn't be at all happy, so not pfb.

YANBU.

Their house, their rules. If you don't like it then don't go there. It may be selfish of them, but at the end of the day it is their choice. At least he shut the door.

she said I was being unreasonable because if I had been told, I wouldn't have brought the baby round

So she purposefully didn't tell you, so you would bring baby? That isn't right.

Whether did you not read the bit where her parents actively deceived her in order to stop her exercising her right to make a choice?

Tbh i think your parents are being really unreasonable - by saying if you had been told prior you wouldnt have brought your baby round...and rightly so! As a parents thats your right to make that kind of call. They are being selfish insofar as they would rather not tell you about smoking and see baby even though they are knowingly exposing them to smoke, which they know you wouldnt like rather than tell you and 'risk' not seeing baby. I would be soooo annoyed.

YANBU

YANBU. He is putting your LO at risk. Does he smoke in the house when you are not there? If so, I would not be happy about taking a baby there at all because smoke lingers on clothes and fabrics etc.

Definitely not being unreasonable and I think I'd be more furious about your mother's comments than your father's actions!

If have packed up the baby and left telling her she was right, I wouldn't have come if I'd known he'd planned to smoke around her.

YANBU, it's a safety issue. I wouldn't be happy to take my 6 month old into a house where people smoke, or for someone who has recently smoked to hold her - she is my fourth so not PFB.

It wasn't right that your DM deliberately didn't tell you so YANBU to be pissed off.

There is a tiny and completely theoretical risk from third-hand smoke, based on a scenario where a baby is crawling around licking tar-coated surfaces for several hours every day. Your DD will come to no harm because her hat was in the same room as a lit cigar for a few minutes.

Meanwhile -

My dad went on holiday last week and decided to start smoking cigars again after a break of about a year. He was a heavy smoker of cigarettes when I was growing up and it took him a huge effort to stop smoking which he did, about a decade ago, due to declining health.

You must be really worried about him I'm a bit confused about how long he stopped smoking for - a year or a decade? Either way, you must be aware that the odds aren't good if he stopped smoking because of poor health and has now started again. There's a very real chance he won't be around much longer. Is this incident worth a major falling out?

I used to work in a Stop Smoking project and I don't like being near smokers.

Bit of an odd career choice there - how did you manage?

Hi, thanks for your comments. I agree that my mum's comments are worrying and I'll have a think about how to address those concerns.

re: PlentyOf

My dad stopped smoking cigarettes (about forty a day) about a decade ago. With the cigars, he has started and stopped after a few months; prior to this, he stopped smoking cigars about a year ago. I don't really appreciate you telling me that 'there's a very real chance he won't be around much longer' but then I did post personal information on the internet for people, both sensitive and hugely insensitive to comment upon, so I will suck it up.

I no longer work for a Stop Smoking project because I have a different role in public health now. I don't like being near smokers unless I have to as part of my employment, because I don't like second hand smoke. Obviously.

Plentyof: bit rude

I don't really appreciate you telling me that 'there's a very real chance he won't be around much longer'

Sorry if you don't appreciate it but as someone who works in PH you can't be unaware of the stats (here they are for anyone who is interested). I'm surprised you don't seem to be showing any concern for him at all but are instead focusing on the miniscule risk to your DD of him smoking in the same room as a few of her belongings. He's just relapsed after a year of being smoke-free! Caught early and with the right support he could possibly stop again before the habit becomes too entrenched. This would cut his (very high) chances of dying prematurely and would have the added bonus of removing your worries about SHS and THS.

I think one of two things is going on -

1. This isn't really about the smoking, it's the latest in a long line of things which make your relationship with your parents difficult. There is no evidence of this from what you have written but it often turns out to be the case on these threads.

2. You actually are being a bit PFB in that you are only considering this from your DD's perspective and have lost sight of what is going on with your dad.

As I said, YANBU to be pissed off that your mum didn't say anything - does she usually not tell you things or is this new? She must be very worried about your dad and, I would imagine, furious with him as well.

I'm surprised given they know how much you hate smoking that he deliberately lit up whilst you were there. Cigars aren't generally the kind of thing you chain smoke are they?

You actually are being a bit PFB in that you are only considering this from your DD's perspective and have lost sight of what is going on with your dad.

He is an adult who most probably knows all the risks and is choosing to ignore them. You can lead a horse to water and all that.

Of course the OP is aware of the risks to her father. I expect that she's also aware that no amount of talking will change his habits.

Her first priority is her DC and your posts are unnecessarily harsh.

I'm surprised given they know how much you hate smoking that he deliberately lit up whilst you were there. Cigars aren't generally the kind of thing you chain smoke are they?

Never stopped my family

Op, probabilities are extremely high that when you were born your dad and all the other significant others in your family were smoking their celebratory cigars around you

But you know that, don't you

Relax! Enjoy your baby and enjoy your life.

OP can you discuss this with them and establish some boundaries? Some people who have grown up and had their kids when the dangers of smoking around children weren't as well known probably won't share the same concerns as you. My sister had very pfb tendencies and it caused problems with my mum and other members of the family. I really believe that grandparents are a huge gift for child and children for grandparents. Flexibility on both sides is needed.

Re-reading your op. Not unreasonable to expect a heads up, but may be over-reacting about the cigar smoke (did he know that clothes were in the room). Although I would have be more peed off about having to wash the clothes than worrying about health effects on dd.

I would go mad. You're not being slightly unreasonable. Genuinely, I would refuse to go again without some solid assurances that it wouldn't happen next time.

The selfishness of someone smoking in a house where there is a tiny baby will never fail to amaze me.

Jacana people used to smoke to "help" cure coughs... and when I was growing up there were no child seats. I'm pretty sure you would have something to say about both things that were done back in the day.

Parenting norms (and other norms) change as more evidence comes to light and pretending that we don;t know something we do just because we used to not know it and did things differntly as a result is a pretty peculiar way to approach life.

Its not unreasonable to expect your parents to warn you that you Dad was smoking again given they know your position on it.