MIL, no contact with baby

[DoorOfCuckundoo]

Have NC for this, sorry for length, hoping not to drip-feed

DD is 9 weeks, MIL has visited once, at 2 days old, hasn't phoned or instigated contact once since.
DH has a good relationship with her, is very loyal, never criticises her. She and I are very different but in person we get along, I always make an effort, show interest and try to be supportive, there's no atmosphere.

She doesn't drive (nor do we), lives 1h away by public transport / 20min by taxi, which she prefers. There are no issues wrt going out - she's fairly well travelled, is confident and assertive around people. She works FT but has no other activities, no friends, rarely sees family.

In the 5 y we've lived together, MIL has visited once (DH had to 'collect' her on public transport) despite repeated invitations.
We're expected to visit her, ideally whenever DH has a day off, regardless of other plans. Realistically it's more like every 3 wks - DH feels guilty and seems to need 'permission' from me to say that actually he's been working hard and needs to relax at home, or we have plans, etc.

Visits are tiring, we're only welcome after 4-5pm as MIL likes the day to herself, we eat late, leaving is dragged out with guilt trips ("you should visit more!") we then have an hour on bus/train before getting home around 11pm, often with work the next day. I go for sake of DH feelings. When I was heavily pg we tried to negotiate arrival/meal times, to no avail, so I stopped going.

When I was pg MIL seemed v excited to become a GM, and since DD birth I've kept in touch (not inundating, say once/twice a wk) with photos, anecdotes - she replies, seems pleased, says she'll visit soon - I say yes please do, you're welcome anytime, we'd love to see you...

AIBU to have expected more from her? Am prepared to accept I'm in the wrong. Maybe we should've resumed visits by now. The 1st 6 wks were tough, feeding was a nightmare, I was v tearful and didn't feel like going far. I just assumed she'd come over. DH didn't have pat leave so his days off are precious and it's nice to be at home together. Maybe that's a lame excuse, I don't know.

It was DH birthday recently, there was no phonecall, no card. I invited MIL + BIL (they live together) here 2 wks ago, BIL messaged me 1h before they were due saying he had an interview so couldn't come, and MIL was 'feeling lazy' so she wouldn't be coming either.
DH didn't want to talk about it, but was hurt, he'd been looking forward to it. He asked if I thought MIL was upset by anything he/we have/haven't done. I reminded him we've just had a baby, perhaps we can be forgiven for being less social than usual.

WWYD? I don't want to hurt DH more by saying what I think, that MIL is crap, lazy and unsupportive, but I don't want to collude with her by pretending it's ok.
I feel she's digging her heels in, waiting it out til we bring DD to see her - obviously we will soon, but don't know why I should put myself out, if she had concern for any of us she'd have picked up the phone!
I'm not sure of the best way forward

Sorry no advice OP but wanted to sympathise, my MIL is similar, but DH and I have come to the conclusion is that she's lazy (he knows what she's like, always had an entitled attitude even when he was young) She only sees SIL DC because SIL goes and gets her or takes the DC to her every single time (she doesn't have mobility issues and regularly gets the bus into town to get her shopping etc) and even then she hardly interacts with them. Unless things are laid on a plate (and brought to them) some people just won't bother. It's sad when it's their own DGC though

Agreed, Arsenic and Institute there may be something in that.
She does go on holidays, trips (she has a lot of family abroad) - just not often. Sometimes at short notice, and she seems to be quite adventurous while she is away. She told me last year about a quite random day trip she'd been on with a colleague, telling no-one at the time.
I don't know... I won't rule anxiety of some kind out just yet, and I'll broach it with her.

thatwould (great name!) sad to hear others in same boat. It sounds frustrating for you too. It's their loss ultimately.

I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. My MIL is the same. It made me feel very sad when my girls were babies/toddlers. To be honest I'm gutted at the lack of interest & laziness from my MIL. My girls are lovely, gorgeous children but she's just not interested enough to visit us.

Over the years I've got more used to it, and we now only visit for a short period and get back home as soon as possible because why should we bother, really, if she's not interested. When we do go there, she looks at her watch and says 'you should go now, you'll beat the traffic'.

I think you'll have to mention it to your DP though. I kept quiet at first, but resentment builds up eventually.

My MIL last saw my son when he was 4 weeks old, He is now 8 years old. She has never seen my daughter. It is her choice.

It does come as quite a shock at first when you realise they have no interest in their grandchildren.

She sounds pretty rubbish, very sad for your Dh. I don't see what you can do, apart from lowering your expectations.
I wouldn't put myself out too much, especially with a tiny baby, but would still make some effort to facilitate a relationship.

YANBU. I wouldn't be making such an effort tbh. She clearly doesn't so why should you. Cancelling like that on your DH's birthday was just shitty.

Sylvanians FaFoutis gosh that's so sad. Yeah it's a shock, that's just it, and so, so sad for DH.

Thanks for all replies. Good advice re lowering expectations, especially for DD in future!

She sounds like hard work.

Then again, if she only visited once every couple of years in the past and has now visited once in a couple of months, that's quite an increase!

One thing that struck me though: you said she "says she'll visit soon - I say yes please do, you're welcome anytime, we'd love to see you...". Do you actually invite her round at a specific time, or just expect her to turn up because you've said she should come whenever she likes?

If a friend said they'd love to see me and I should visit some time, but then didn't ever say (for example) "come for lunch on Saturday, arrive at noon" then I would think that all their enthusiasm was just a polite brush-off. If they wanted me there they'd invite me. Maybe she's the same.

Perhaps she would think it rude to just turn up, especially when you have a new baby. And equally, she might think it rude to call you and say "can I come round tomorrow?" If you really want her to visit, issue specific invitations. If she refuses these you'll have a better idea where you stand, but at least you'll have tried.

YANBU to be disappointed on behalf of your DC, DH and even slightly yourself

I once had a same type issue with in laws - it's hard - but clearly she is not going to visit much and expects visits to be done by you - so perhaps just accept this but equally don't feel obliged to be visiting so often at what is a very busy / stressful/special time I would say once a month at a convenient time of day for you (rather than her always dictating) is more than adequate her expecting you to travel for hours by public transport at odd hours is not on - I would only consider doing that if someone was really ill or old if she is working ft what is the problem with her either coming to you or having you visit at more normal hours??? She wants to relax in her empty house all day so that you have to do public transport in the evening - how very weird

i think DH needs to lay ground rules and/ or you just need to take the bull by the horns and start doing things differently - she is not going to change- so if you don't want to not be dragged down by this type of cycle you will have to change firstly in terms of not having high expectations of her and secondly in being prepared to cut back on visits and being more forceful about the fact they need to be at times convenient for you -

Yes she may have some issues but essentially she is just being very selfish about things and she will continue to be if you let her

YADNBU and I think sadly she's just not that interested. You said she doesn't often visit other family either, so I don't think it's personal.

Unfortunately you can't make her take an interest, so I think I'd (personally) keep the lines of communication open; so send her photos, pick up the phone to chat to her, keep inviting her (arrange a specific date/time) and I would try to visit with her occasionally too.

So, for example, say you'd ideally see her every couple of months, I'd invite her every 4 months and ask to go to her in between. If it's that spaced out, I'd maybe get the bus there and taxi home with the baby (or taxi both ways), especially if she doesn't come to you as you're saving on hosting her then. She visits you, or she doesn't, she lets you come to her or she doesn't. At least if you get a taxi you can leave home a bit later and it won't take so long to get home with the baby either. Obviously as your child grows up you will need to be home at bedtimes, so just make the visit really short if she won't change the time. I wouldn't not go if at all possible, even though a 2hr visit might not be ideal. TBH if PIL lived 20mins drive away, we'd probably only be popping in for a few hours anyway, although admittedly we have a car.

That way, you've always tried to keep in touch. I'd also follow the lead of your DH going forward. It might be that he wants to pull back, in which case I'd follow him.

I'd also not let your DD know about visits to her gran until you're there as there's nothing worse than disappointment and the feeling of not being wanted. Better to let your DD have the surprise at least until she's old enough to know what gran is like.

Thanks for advice Lymm Casper
Yes Purple I definitely won't allow her to let DD down in the same way - in a sense it's just as well to find this out about MIL now so we're armed!

Thanks all, feel much less agitated now!

YANBU. A good friend of mine has a mum like this...active in the church, busy social life, yet never comes to see her grand-daughter & it upsets my friend so much. I feel its done on purpose...cruel, in a way. Now that grand-daughter is 8 years old, this woman is asking whether friend can send her over for overnight visits..but my friend & her DH don't need to be there?! There's been years of this behaviour, friend is at end of tether and is just ignoring requests, or saying no. People are people you can't change them so why not focus on your little family and leave it at that. Sad for your DH too really, but whats to do...nothing, really.

We often think that people are supposed to care about family. But, lots don't. I think your MIL just likes her life exactly the way it is but to cover that she will make noises here & there (especially when she grows older..watch out for the sudden expectation of bond with grandchildren they didnt bother with - my mum did that) in a "well you didn't bring her to see me" way.

I find that in this life there are many people who will stress you out and make you jump through hoops, if you let them. Id sit tight..not saying you shouldn't visit her if thats what you want but as for visits to your house..if she doesn't bother then you aren't to be held to any set days/time periods when you have to visit her.