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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be worried/to let her down?

12 replies

spillyobeans · 21/05/2015 16:31

Basically my best friend is getting married and i am one of the bridesmaids, however the hen do us planned for 3 weeks after i am due to have my baby (she did plan this way before i found out i was pregnant). Obviously i want to make the effort etc, but i live in scotland, and she is the south of england. Aibu to think / be worried that at 3 weeks after i have a baby it will just be too much to travel that far, leave my 3 week old with dad/grand parents for 2 days for a hen do? Plus i am planning to breast feed so that would mean totally re-thinking that.

I dont see her often because of distance so feel like i would be letting her down massivley, however i dont think she/other friends see it as much of a big deal for me to come down? Thoughts please!!

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 21/05/2015 16:48

With a 3 week old baby, a good friend will not expect you to leave your baby for this. Yanbu to say you won't be able to spend time away from your baby.

00100001 · 21/05/2015 16:49

too much - you'll be exhausted.

you won;t want baby out of your sight for 2 minutes let alone 2 days at 3 weeks old.

Explain to her and don't go.

do offer to refund any money she may lose for you not going down though... just to be nice :)

VelvetRose · 21/05/2015 16:51

Yanbu at all. I would really hope your friend would understand.

CrohnicallyInflexible · 21/05/2015 16:51

YANBU to think you might not make it- if baby is late and you might barely be out of hospital, even if baby is on time when DD was 3 weeks old I could barely walk, had bazooka boobs and kept bleeding everywhere. You probably won't want to leave baby with anybody at that age, and it's not practical to take baby with you for such a long journey.

Could you arrange something just the two of you some other time? Either a few weeks earlier or later?

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 21/05/2015 16:51

YANBU. My best friend had her hen weekend 3 months after I had my baby and that was a struggle (BF bottle refuser). Luckily it was only an hour away from where I lived and I could just go for the daytime activities then go home, which my friend was fine with (I think ??). 3 weeks is far too soon and I don't think anyone would expect you to leave your baby and go so far away, breastfed or not.

MrsBobDylan · 21/05/2015 16:54

It's better to pull out now than nearer the time. I absolutely wouldn't have been ready for a two day hen weekend 3 weeks after having my DC.Especially if you are planning to bf.

Your friend should understand. Don't feel bad.

Yanbu. And congrats on your pregnancy.

AhoyMcCoy · 21/05/2015 16:58

My best friends hen night was planned for 8 weeks after my DC1 was born. I was breastfeeding and also just not ready to leave her, so booked a separate room in our hotel for DH and DC1 and brought them both along! Kept popping back to feed baby and see her, and managed to enjoy the night. Missing it just wasn't an option for me, I knew how hurt my friend would be, so I had to think of a way round it and bringing baby with me ended up working well. Is that an option?

SaucyJack · 21/05/2015 17:05

YANBU.

Perhaps best just to tell her straight out now that there isn't a snowball's chance in Hell you'll be going on a hen weekend 600 miles away three weeks after your EDD.

I'm sure she'll be disappointed, but anyone with even a 1/4 of a brain cell would understand.

Original poster
spillyobeans · 21/05/2015 17:17

Well when she announced plans for hen do straight away i said id love to come/will plan to be there but at 3 weeks after due date i will obviously have to see how i am feeling (and i will pay for any accomodation etc regardless if i can make it) but then got a message today about shopping for bridesmaid dresses while im down there...so dont think she sees me as not making it Confused. I would go down now but have no money to drive down (and dh needs car for work as we have 1) and cant fly! I suppose only other option is to go down later, But weddings at start of august so guess she wants things in place too

OP posts:
PicaK · 21/05/2015 17:48

Tell her you can't make it. But if she's not kids then you should explain why not...1) might be a week after the birth 2) if bfing then you prob would find it v tricky to express enough for that length if time. 3) teats are different to nipples - your baby could refuse a bottle or refuse you on your return 4) you will need to express as frequently as you feed or you will give yourself mastitis. 5) if you have a csection you won't be able to lift luggage. Etc. I wouldn't have known any of that stuff when I was getting married.

00100001 · 21/05/2015 17:48

Remind her that you'll be have given birth just 21 days prior to the hen do, so probably can't make that.

As for the actual wedding, which I'm presuming is some time after? I'd tell her that you would love to be part of the actual wedding, but can't commit to being bridesmaid, as you don't know if you will even be able to attend, so wouldn't be fair to give 'false hope' or potentially waste money/time. But you will see how you are feeling nearer the time and will make every effort to attend the ceremony?

PicaK · 21/05/2015 17:49

Pay for her to come and see you before baby arrives.

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