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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws

19 replies

Thetrickisnotminding · 20/05/2015 20:12

This is my first mumsnet message so please be nice - but honest of course! I am having trouble with my in laws. I have just received an email from my father in law saying that we (me and dh) are not being grateful enough to my m-in-law for taking us on holiday (m-in-law and f-in-law divorced for a long time). We have agreed to go on a city break with kids for 5 days as m-in-law has been asking for a couple of yrs. I don't want to go as my m-in-law can be v critical to me and kids and dh (to be fair not all the time but enough to make me feel anxious when I am with her) and I know I won't enjoy it. As money is tight and we haven't yet taken our 7yr old twins abroad we realise it is an opportunity for them and want to do it for that reason. However I don't know how to respond to f-in-law as what I feel is 'I'm sorry I'm not f-ing thankful enough for something I don't want to do in the first place'. Feel in bits about it tbh. V stressful for dh as his dad left when he was v little and doesn't ever want to do anything to disappoint him. Would love feedback, what it is xx

OP posts:

LokiBear · 20/05/2015 20:19

I'd just reply saying 'don't be daft, of course we are grateful' then leave it.

Smoorikins · 20/05/2015 20:20

They are not your family. Your dh should deal with it.

CrapBag · 20/05/2015 20:44

If they aren't together they why on earth is your FIL emailing you!? In fact why even if they are together. MIL has clearly been filling him in on your 'lack of gratitude' to a holiday you dont -even --want. It would really put me off wanting to go now, she will hold this over you and you will probably have a miserable time anyway.

Tell your DH you are insulted and he has to deal with it, and not in a 'I want to please my father' way.

Then never agree to this again!

oneowlgirl · 20/05/2015 20:49

I'd tell your DH that he needs to tell his dad to get lost & mind his own business.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/05/2015 20:50

If something offered comes with strings, cut the strings.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/05/2015 20:53

I wouldn't reply to him immediately, don't be at his beck and call.

Then I might say something simple like ' mil knows we are all looking forward to it, and that of course we are grateful'

After that I wouldnt engage anh more with him about it.

Original poster

Thetrickisnotminding · 20/05/2015 20:53

Oh Crapbag I wish I could. He's actually v nice and just doesn't have the whole story, because I don't think I should say how difficult MIL is to him. I feel constrained by how my dh operates with his family - so different to mine where things are out in the open! I understand your response Smoorkins but he can't really cos of old issues. I wish I could be the bigger person as Loki suggests but feel so wounded by it.

OP posts:

nicenewdusters · 20/05/2015 20:55

DH should reply, the message is to you both but it's his dad. If your DH's starting point is that he never wants to disappoint him, then how is he going to reply honestly if he thinks you have both been suitably grateful ?

Maybe DH should phone his mum first and ask him why his dad thinks you haven't both been sufficiently grateful ? If it was me I'd like to know what she's been saying. If what she says is rubbish, DH can email his dad and say his mum is simply wrong, so he has no need to worry.

Do your in-laws play one another off against each other to fight for your DH's attention/affections etc ? Could this be what's happening here ? Whatever crazy dynamics are at work they are HIS parents, HIS family, HIS problem. Let him sort it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/05/2015 21:04

What does your DH say about it? Does he have any ideas about how to proceed?

It sounds very difficult :-( Sometimes family dynamics can be tough. I agree that your DH needs to speak to his mum, as she must have spoken to his dad about this and for some reason his dad feels responsible for giving you this information. So go straight to the source. Have him explain to his mum that you are grateful but also want some input in how long the holiday is. That is allowed!

I understand your DH feels difficult about addressing this but it really his for him to tackle and he needs to find a way to broach issues like this, now and in the future.

Your family sounds great, btw :-)

CrapBag · 20/05/2015 21:45

What about "I don't know what you have been told but we are very grateful and I'm insulted at your email to be frank"

Hints that what he has been told isn't quite right, let's him know that you do appreciate it but also let's him know that you aren't happy about his message.

Clearly it seems that it's not something your DH is going to deal with so I would just do it myself.

oneowlgirl · 21/05/2015 00:40

That's a good response Crapbag.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/05/2015 03:18

Gratitude is a spontaneous response, it cannot be commanded just because MIL demands it. But then, we feel gratitude when we are treated with kind generosity, which is a very different thing from feeling obliged.

"He's actually v nice and just doesn't have the whole story, because I don't think I should say how difficult MIL is to him."
I wouldn't be too sure that he is very nice (he walked out on a small child and has damaged that child so that even as an adult that child craves his approval); nor would I assume he does not know how difficult his exW is - possibly the reason he walked out?

You might not think it is 'your place' to criticise your MIL to him, but given that he feels it is his place to criticise you, I'd return the compliment. You don't have to be confrontational, CrapBag's response is excellent.

Ilovechelseaflowershow · 21/05/2015 10:14

tricky, i agree. i think in this situation some watered down honesty.

thanks fil, of course we are grateful, as grateful as can be under the circumstances. there is past history that makes me ( us ) nervous abut the trip but we are trying to put that behind us to look forward to it.

if he asks what say you dont feel you can say, but you hope you can put it behind you, adn there are two sides to a story

CrapBag · 21/05/2015 20:00

Yay. I never give good responses normally.

SaucyJack · 21/05/2015 20:08

I wouldn't imagine you need to tell him how difficult she is- he was married to her after all, and presumably he divorced her for a reason

He's probably as much a pawn in the game as you are. Crapbag's response is good. Lets him know he's being manipulated too.

Oobis · 21/05/2015 21:13

Email him that you are grateful, cc her and sit back and relax?

I hope you can enjoy your holiday. It's a generous offer, I hope you can have a chat with mil and tactfully explain you are concerned that it will be hard work. Maybe arrange an informal itinery so you can get some time off from each other too - she might be concerned about it being intense as well as you!

Theycallmemellowjello · 22/05/2015 08:44

Short email to fil explaining you are grateful. Dh speaks to his dm to allay any upset. Tbh it's completely understandable that you don't want to go but seen us how you've accepted you need to do a better job of pretending that you do.

DazzleU · 22/05/2015 09:26

I do something like CrapBag suggestion:

Mother IL is aware how grateful we are and is perfectly capable of letting us know if she has any complaints.

I really don't understand what any of this - our holiday or relationship with MIL - has to do with you or why you thought it in any way appropriate to send this e-mail to me.

Then I'd think about forwarding FIL e-mail to MIL with some comment like what is this about? If you are upset - and I hope you are not - please talk to us directly. We are grateful and looking forward to trip and hope you are too.

It could be MIL is bitching behind your backs or it could be FIL is out to cause trouble between you all. I'd try and stop the Chinese whispers TBH.

DazzleU · 22/05/2015 09:38

Problem is if you don't point out that he wrong to send this e-mail I expect you'll get more like this in the future.

Nice or not - he must be encouraging - even just by listening to MIL complain - it's going to encourage her to find fault with you and her feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction - without providing any solution.

I had a few phone calls from family friends when we failed to do what IL wanted when we had young DC. I calmly, firmly and coldly pointed out why we weren't - at that stage had very good reasons, pointed out it had all been discussed with IL and they said they had understood - sometimes pointed they were in better position to do what IL wanted than us anyway and if it mattered so much why weren't they ? and then firmly changed the subject.

Then would go over our reasons to IL then ask why we were getting questions like that from x. ( Have found since less explanation and just no can be better)

IL found such tactics had no effect - friends often saw we had reasons - and lost interest in whole thing.

Flip