to dislike visiting family members ?

[mrsfuzzy]

i'm unsociable i guess, but i get so nervous visiting esp. family, they are friendly enough but i always feel so awkward being on someone else's 'turf'. the conversation does not flow well to start with and i need to warm up , to get into it. even going to the loo is an ordeal crosses legs tightly i'm a bit like liz in 'keeping up appearances', mugs slop, biscuit crumbs everywhere, cue apologies to house proud rellies. dh is very supportive and involves me but i'm fine when i'm out and about with people including family. have always been the same. i probably need to man up a bit !
any ideas for help ?

Are these DH's relatives? How are you with your own?

It sounds as though this is all driven by anxiety. Have you ever looked into addressing it psychologically? Maybe something will make sense! I hope so: it sounds a sad life, to be so distressed by habits people around you don't seem to understand!

yes, it is dh's family, they are great people but it really unerves me, my family a little less so, i think you could be right about the anxiety bit, i have rapid cycling bi polar so that probably isn't helping although i take meds to control it, maybe they need adjusting.
thanks for your thoughts pluCa.

You could always try meeting them in different situations, or outright telling them that you've always found visits difficult, and you've been worried that they'll take your shyness for rudeness. That might melt them a bit, too (and unbend them from their house-proud-ness, which is unnerving for many people, not just you!)

yes, you're right i'm going to give it a go, talk on neutral ground, get it into the open and must remember to take the hand held vac to mils for the biscuit crumbs, when you get up from the chair she puffs up the cushions, quite funny when i think about it, but strange in another, even her dh takes the mickey out of her for it !

In my experience news gets around family members quickly. Is there one person who you could chat to or email, saying that you enjoy their company but that you hope they don't thing you are being rude when you are quiet? If you tell one person it will probably get around.
Puffing up the cushions whilst you are still there is a bit much. She. You next go take a copy of the Sunday Times with you so that you can spread it around to catch crumbs and just gather it up and chuck it at home time.

mrsfuzzy if you have social anxiety around dh's family then while it would be ideal to meet on neutral territory this might not always be possible. Being bi polar probably doesn't make it easier but as you say you are on meds.

How often do you have to see them? Puffing cushions when you get up is a little odd but does she only do this to you? As you say they are house proud so does she do other little things that aren't necessarily directed to you? There's a difference between her just being her without a second thought and her out to make you feel anxious and unnerved.

I'd say you take a different tack. I wouldn't mention to them that you feel awkward around them or anxious. I think the only person you should mention it too is dh if you haven't already. If you tell them or just one of them, they may not understand what you mean and actually think you're just odd or difficult. In their eyes its just tea and biscuits, not tying you to a chair and brandishing chainsaws when you incorrectly answer a general knowledge question.

Try one thing at a time, don't hold the cup while also holding a biscuit. If you can, just have a cup of tea, maybe a biscuit after. Don't work yourself into a frenzy over it because as far as anyone is concerned, you are dh's wife and you are being pleasant to them. That is all that matters. I'd also recommend minimising the experience by telling yourself that it's not as if you're living there forever and the moment will pass, indeed in the big scheme of things a few crumbs here and there make no difference at all.

i'm thinking of getting one of those plastic catch all bibs for babies as designed by madame guillotine ! er, perhaps not, they look very uncomfortable on very small people plus it might spill the crumbs any way ! i
must admit reading your comments i'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing, i need to keep the visits short then build from there.
a BIG hug to you all for not telling me i'm being daft. thanks for your input.

I'm not surprised you are on edge. The cushion plumping would have anyone nervous. Can you mention to DH that you find that unwelcoming?

I plump up cushions when visitors stand up . I do it so they are nice and ready for when they sit down again. It never occurred to me that it might be seen as unwelcoming. I'm trying to do the opposite. I do it when I stand up too though.