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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not apologise.

43 replies

usedtobeme39 · 20/05/2015 07:31

My sister hasn't spoken to me for 2 years and she also decided to cut my DM out shortly after because DM refused to place the blame solely on me and cut me out herself which is what sister wanted.

It all started with a row over. I was heavily pregnant at the time and when she wouldn't let it drop (she really was laying in to me) I told her to fuck off. She then got her DH to call me and text me saying really shitty things - how I'm going to be an awful mum, slagging off my partner, etc.

I responded first by asking them to leave me alone, and when they continued I got angry and told them a few home truths. Sister has not spoken to me since that day.

She now claims she is suffering huge anxiety to the point where she can't properly function in life (almost housebound, panic attacks at certain 'triggers') and she says it is all down to me and the things I said to her when I lashed out.

Anyway, fast forward to now and my Dm is desperate to have contact with her again. Sister has replied that the only way she will consider having contact with DM is if I send a written apology stating that I admit the row was entirely my fault and I acknowledge that I have caused her anxiety issues.

I have no interest in making amends with her myself if I'm honest as she is in my opinion completely unreasonable and I prefer to live a life with as little drama as possible. I would consider apologising for my DMs sake so that they can continue their relationship. WIBU to apolgise?

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 20/05/2015 11:14

PS your sister is manipulating you and blackmailing you. Your poor DM.

TheAnswerIsYes · 20/05/2015 11:17

Stay well out of it. You don't need that shit in your life.

Your mother's relationship with your sister is nothing to do with you even if your sister keeps trying to drag you into it.

Thurlow · 20/05/2015 11:17

I think given the isolation for your DN, I think I would write a letter and apologise so that your DM has a chance to reestablish the relationship.

But then I'd stay pretty well clear myself.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/05/2015 11:19

Sounds like you were quite a lot more restrained than I could have been!

Barbarian I think I disagree - sometimes seeing your parent outright bully another person whom you respect can help you to see that your parent is not normal and that you are justified in finding her horrible to live with. It can be a lifeline to a child who's bullied by their parent to realise that the fault is NOT THEIRS, that it's the parent and not them. It stops you from spending the rest of your life convinced of your utter inadequacy, that you couldn't make your mum happy.

I speak from bitter personal experience here so may be somewhat blinkered, admittedly.......

Collaborate · 20/05/2015 11:20

You can't be responsible for how your sister behaves. She's trying to set you up for years of recriminations. I'd be willing to apologise for saying hurtful things to her (without of course admitting you were wrong to believe those things) on the basis that she too apologised for the hurtful things she and her husband said. Given that they said what they did to you first, I don't see why her apology should come first.

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/05/2015 11:20

I think thurlow has got the best possible idea.

holidaysarenice · 20/05/2015 11:23

Does anyone else get the feeling that she is on her own now? She wants her mum to alienate you so she can have her all to herself?

Free babysitting anyone?

Don't fall for it op - if you really feel so inclined I would tell her she's welcome to come and discuss her issues with you and also that her relationship with you mum is between the two of them and nothing todo with your relationship.

Oldraver · 20/05/2015 11:23

I think if you grovel to her it will only smooth things over until she finds her next drama llhama moment. I think you have to think about your own child in all of this... they will be exposed to her ways and that wont be healthy

I'm afraid you DS has made her bed

BarbarianMum · 20/05/2015 12:17

Plumping that may work, in certain cases but it is a bit much to ask the OP to be bullied for years as an object lesson for her neice. Awful for her, awful for her children to witness. And there is a risk that it will only normalise the situation for the child - this is how you treat family.

DoJo · 20/05/2015 12:26

I don't want her in my life anymore, but my DM and DN are suffering. Oh it's so hard to know what to do for the best.

But they aren't suffering because of you - they are suffering because your sister is being so unreasonable.

DM has never asked me outright to apologise, but I think she probably hopes I will just so she can resume her relationship.

Maybe it's time to speak to your mum, especially seeing as you aren't actually sure what she wants you to do. She might surprise you and say that she doesn't want you to apologise, and I certainly don't think you should do something you don't want to unless you are sure that it's what your mum actually wants.

Signlake · 20/05/2015 12:52

What you said doesn't sound so bad, especially as she was laying into you first. I wouldn't be writing a letter of apology and it's crazy that she expects you to do so. Any relationship problems between her and your mum needs to be resolved between them. Let your mum know you don't want to be involved and that you have nothing to be sorry over. I have no idea how what you said is supposed to make a person housebound with anxiety. Her comments were much more hurtful in my opinion

SuperFlyHigh · 20/05/2015 12:53

Oldraver you're right it'll only be smoothed over until the next drama comes along... i remember my half sister always being bossy and 'wanting her own way'. It was staggering to me that years later when she knew why I was upset (i could've got sacked because of her/her boyfriend's actions) that my half sister totally refused to take responsibility for her actions or someone else's just denied all knowledge. and further had gone back on her word.

OP - I think you'll be stuck forever here as your sister quite clearly wants you to apologise, blame it all onto you and have her own way. she also knows quite clearly that this is hurting at most your DM and her own DD.

I was lucky (see above) as I rather selfishly stated to my brother that he was to have no further contact with my half sister and told her the same... he knows he only has one proper sister and realises my half sister was enjoying the control and drama that her being in touch with him created (when I knew). My brother afterwards also admitted he'd not been happy because she'd used him (for something else entirely unrelated) and also our half brother had not been great when we'd been in touch with him too.

QueenofallIsee · 20/05/2015 12:56

Sorry but there is no bloody way I would send a written apology to this person, niece or no niece. she sounds like a total loon and once you do that, you will be her whipping boy for life

Justusemyname · 20/05/2015 12:58

Don't do it

Your mum needs to stand up for yourself

Do you think if you said sorry that your mum would be welcome and Iit would all be lovely? I suspect the letter would be on Facebook immediately and she'd be crowing about how she got you to say sorry.

Hoppinggreen · 20/05/2015 13:09

I stood up to my Narcbrother recently for the first time in 40 years and as a result he went totally apeshit and banned me from ever seeing him and his family again. Luckily sil doesn't agree .
All I did was suggest calmly that he wasn't legally allowed to do something and that was it.
I am close to my Mum and I know the situation upsets her. She has appealed to me to " be reasonable" and " apologise even if you don't mean it" but I have to say that part of the reason he is such an arsehole is down to being enabled by my mum " you know what he's like" and " it's easier not to argue with him" I have even had step father telling me how upset my mum is and he knows I'm in the right but it would mean a lot to my mum if I could make up with my brother.
It's really not happening, I crossed a line by standing up to him and now I would challenge him again if a similar situation occurred rather than just go " oh, Hoppingsbrother", which is apparently the correct response to his crap in which case he would go nuts again.
Basically you can't go back from this, you have done nothing wrong and it is your sister who is causing your mum heartache not you. You can't apologise because you have nothing to apologise for

5Foot5 · 20/05/2015 13:13

But

since all this happened her and her DH have split up (due to his constant cheating, nothing to do with this),

Hmm! I would have thought being married to a constantly cheating DH and then splitting up from him had more bearing on any anxiety problesm she has rather than a spat with her sister 2 year ago.

She sounds like a highly-manipulative drama queen who is trying to get her own way by making you feel guilty. Don't give in to her silliness. It sounds like your Mum is too sensible to blame you.

Hissy · 20/05/2015 14:01

It's really sad as I think she has convinced herself during these 2 years that I really am completely to blame.

No, not during the last 2 years, she has come up with it now as a hoop. it will be the start of many. this is her

Your DM can stand up for herself and TBH, ought to flaming well stand up for YOU too! She should say that YOU won't be told what to do, and neither will she. That she (DM) is there for her ADULT daughter, and she expects her to behave like one. And also to tell her that she (SIS) can't demand anything from you (OP); that an apology demanded is no apology at all.

If the sister wants to be with her DD, there is nothing wrong with that though, there is no indication that she is suffering.

I have no contact with my family, and WON'T allow contact between my DM/Her Vile H and my DS. he's thriving as a result actually, so please don't be so quick to assume that anyone is suffering. if your DM wants contact, then it's down to her to agree it with Dsis, and not allow you to get drawn in.

Collaborate · 20/05/2015 14:13

My sister has no contact with me (her choice - I refused to bow to her instructions and behave like a twat towards her ex). My parents have openly said to me that they can't push her too much to change her behaviour as they fear that she'll stop them seeing her kids. So they would rather I apologise and do as she bids. I simply would rather disconnect my testicles from my body than be dictated to like that.

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