To just want to cut my stupid anxiety ridden head right off

[Lucyloves101]

I've just been so hopelessly, stressfully anxious since our baby was very little, and have basically expected the world to come crashing down around me for about 10 months. We had a bit of a stressful time after he was born, he had a very immature nervous system and was diagnosed as having a series of long and repetitive seizures, he had an emergency CT scan which was then incorrectly read and we were told he'd had a brain bleed, the whole thing took 5 days and a transfer to GOSH to clear up, but the long and the short of it was that we were discharged with a perfectly healthy baby who would outgrow his weird twitching which he has! But I've wasted his whole first 10 months in an absolute state of paranoia and I'm starting to hate myself for it. I've convinced myself time and again that he has different rare disorders from googling, and have quite literally ended up pulling out my own hair over it. I feel like I totally inadequately parent my 4 year old as am so focused on looking for reassurance that my 10 month old is ok. Half of me just wants to run away, I irritate the hell out of my partner with my constant worrying, I used to be quite normal. He will be 10 months in two days and babbles, claps, waves, crawls very fast, stands up holding onto things if stood up, kisses (lurches at you with his mouth eyed open) and feeds himself finger food, uses the pincer grasp etc, but he also flaps his arms a lot when excited so am now scared he has autism as is apparently a red flag, he also drops his head forward sometimes in a playing way but sort of looks like head bobbing, but laughs and looks at me when he does it. It's also the idea of their being something wrong but me totally failing to see it, so failing to get him help which scares me. I'm scared to go to playground and see him around other children in case he seems mile behind. I did go to my GP for anxiety but felt like I was being risk assessed for my ability to look after the children and for some reason became worries SS would become involved (I don't know why, I have nothing to hide) but didn't go back for my second appointment. I used to have quite a professional job but seem to have no short term memory or conversation skills anymore. Help! Has anyone else felt like this?

Btw was dirt of joking with title, not actually contemplating that!

I think GP can refer you for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy but in the meantime have you tried affirmations? You write a list of 10 sentences that your most compassionate and loving self believes to be true and recite them every morning (when you are crushing your teeth, for example). Such as "I am a great mother" (because you are and after what you've been through); "I love and am deeply loved" etc. Anxiety is basically negative voices in your head which you need to counteract. It's hard but when you have a child you have no choice but to get better. Good luck!

Hi Lucy,

I'm sorry you had such a hard time of it when your DS was born, it's clear that such an awful period of uncertainty completely clouded what should have been one of the most amazing times of your life.

If it has, my DS who is 13 months old was born perfectly fine and had had no health problems but I'm still constantly fretting about his development and convincing myself he has autism 'red flags'. I'm also quite an anxious person.

Your DS sounds absolutely fine but I know that people saying such things is no help at all. I also know his hard it can be to not compare babies with other babies of the same age, I always do it and then worry why my DS isn't doing x, y or z.

Your DS should be having his 12 month developmental check soon which will hopefully give you done reassurance and give you an opportunity to discuss your concerns with the HV.

My best friend is a HV and I'm always stressing to her about my DS'a development and she is constantly telling me that he is absolutely fine. It doesn't stop me from keep asking though....

Thank you for your kind responses, made me feel a bit better already. I'm worried that he doesn't point yet, and there are no clear words, but I guess at not-quite 10 months he has a bit of time to go. Just angry at the amount of energy my anxiety takes up and takes me away from really being with my family. Writer wannabe we sound very similar!

OP I could have written your post a couple of years ago. DS2 - v traumatic birth but otherwise fine. When he was 5 months, the anxiety hit big time. Thanks to obsessive googling I was convinced he was having infantile seizures and no amount of convincing otherwise would allay these fear (incl GP). I am prone to a bit of health anxiety but this hit me like a ton of bricks; after a consultant paediatrician diagnosed constipation, I felt relieved but remained a ball of anxiety, often in tears and feeling dreadfully guilty for DS1. I was anxious when other people saw him and was desperate to just enjoy him but I couldn't.

I went to the GP, was put on an SSRI and referred for CBT. By the time my referral arrived (about 6 weeks later) I was 75% there already.

I am convined that having babies simply sends me temporarily loopy. I had extreme PND/psychosis with DS1 and PN anxiety with DS2. Rest assured there is a solution and I would suggest looking at CBT and consider some short term medication.

Re the pointing, I was worried about DS not babbling at 8 months. HV said to give it another month. That same day he began to babble. Just mention to the HV if you are worried.

I feel for you. You had a worrying time at the start of his life and that combined with the crazy hormones that come post natal have left your brain quite altered from how it was before. But I firmly believe it can return to (almost!) how it was before, you just need some help to restore the chemical balance of your brain.

what has worked for me is exercise, just walking and listening to music has resulted in the production of endorphins that eventually overcome the stress hormones that are produced when I'm anxious (i also cut out caffeine). but I was always open to the use of antidepressants if that hadn't worked.

do go back and see your doctor, or chat to your health visitor. its so common to experience this, I'm sure they'll offer the help you need. Good luck!

Oh God I've ben there! Poor yo. Anxiety really messes with your head. You have literally worn a groove in your brain, the massive fear in the first few days of DS life have taught you to jump and respond to every possibe symptom, the situation you faced taught you they were IMPORTANT and that has stuck even though he's now out of danger, by the sounds of it. Next time you find yourself compulsively googling about him, maybe google amygdala and anxiety instead?

And yy to giving up caffeine. Decaff tea and coffeevare reasonably drinkable and you'll get less of the physical symptoms which send the brain whizzing off down its well- worn tracks.

Yes this was me. 20 week scan found echogenic bowel plus small measurements. Both indications of a chromosome disorder. I was also 36.

I was waiting for months for some non existent condition to be diagnosed long after his birth. There was and is, nothing wrong.

He is three now and intelligent, hilarious, kind and beautiful. If I could go back to myself at my lowest point I would say get up off the floor, stop crying and preying and making deals with god, your baby is perfect, and one day you will know it

you will get here too and let me tell you now, three is an amazing age.

Oddly enough, I was researching anxiety last night and came up with a few links I thought were pretty reasonable.

A new website has launched to help you get rid of worries, it's quite a nice concept I thought, especially for anyone who finds it difficult to visualise sometimes. www.pixelthoughts.co/#

The Headspace app is supposed to be very good for anxiety. www.headspace.com/

Mindfulness www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/05/13/how-mindfulness-improves-mental-health_n_7273350.html

Breathwork explained www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/steve-halsall/breathe-your-way-to-happiness_b_7091782.html

Lucy, I think I drive my DH potty by constantly saying about DS, "Do you think he's alright?"

My DS didn't start properly pointing until he was 12 months old. He's almost 14 months old now and has got 5 words, it doesn't sound like many but I've been told it's completely normal.

I had an awful time after both dc were born for different reasons. Its natural to feel anxious - parents with dc who are doing ok feel anxious.

Its normal esp in your circs.
Keep good things going on in your life, if you like to go away, or have days out keep planning one, so you always have something to look forward too ( picnic or whatever you like and can do with baby)
Get some air and breather away from baby.

You can only do so much, arm yourself with info 100% but what will be will be.

As pl said above, take time out, to be positive.
Make time for your 4 year olsd.

... I swear by yoga.

My daughter is 13 she has terrible mood swings says she is never happy and now she has started pulling out her hair and hitting herself. I’m at my wits end and don’t know how to help her