To wonder if anybody has had counselling and doesn't sense a difference?

[NotSureItsHelped]

Hello everyone - just hoping to hear others' experiences and to consider options I may not already have thought of.

My lovely Dad died last year. It was sudden and very shocking, and it also opened up a number of things for me from my childhood and adolescence that were in some ways quite traumatic although in other ways I have been very fortunate, of course.

Initially I coped well but contacted a counsellor in the early autumn. That wasn't the first time I'd tentatively approached counselling: had done so in 2007 and 2011 but felt that perhaps I 'hadn't committed' which seems to be the agreed view when counselling isn't felt to be helpful.

The problem is, I don't feel it is for me personally. And that leaves me in a difficult position as frequently I do feel very depressed and can see my life needs to change but the agreed response tends to be 'get counselling.'

I am wondering what happens when it just doesn't work for you?

i've had counselling - good and bad. I would say counsellors are not there to "fix" or offer a "cure" but counselling itself is a very useful tool with which to acquire self knowledge and awareness. I think this is essential for helping someone move on.
Personally, EMDR therapy has really helped me deal with a traumatic event in my childhood - it fees like the memory is filed and not constantly swimming around in my head.

Have you thought of trying hypnotherapy? Or NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming)? EFT tapping is also amazing. I use all three in my practice, amongst other things and they are all incredibly powerful and can help with many different issues. I have also used all of these to help me overcome my own issues. Eft in particular is so effective and is very easy to learn and do yourself. For trauma or complex issues though it would be worth seeing a therapist.

I think that the nature of counselling is that it is actually is quite hard to tell whether it is making a difference. It's supposed to be a catalyst for making you make changes in yourself. So if you do make changes, you feel like they came from you not the counselling (which they did, but it's impossible to know whether the counselling sparked something). I had counselling for depression at the same time as medication. The counselling felt completely pointless tbh, like an incredibly awkward conversation where I was casting around for topics to talk about. But I improved a lot and have never relapsed to the place I was, despite being off medication since. So I reckon it probably did help me actually.

Maybe it's like hypnotheraphy - if you believe it will help you, it will. If not, then it won't.

I went to counselling after my mother died - some months after, so the immediate rawness was gone, but it was still new. I was doing the work, but it did help me to have someone to ask questions about how did I think that related to something else I'd talked about.

The thing was, I was ready to do that thinking, and in some ways, just talking it all through with a friend could have worked for some of it, although they might not have guided my thinking in the same way. Also, by paying someone, I had permission to talk about it all for so long, which I'd have felt guilty about with a friend, talking about me not them for a whole hour. (Which is one of the things we covered.)

Well yes. That was the immediate logic - that I could 'sound off' or talk to someone who I was paying!

The tapping - counsellor2 tried that. It was that in all honesty that turned me off counselling at that time: she seemed so genuinely convinced it would help but - well, it didn't!

I don't think it's linked to belief. Counselling seems such a stock response to everything. Thinking on here, it's a suggestion for everything from lacking confidence to PND to choosing bad relationships and I suppose I wish I knew why it seems unable to reach me.

People will suggest lots of things over the internet. Doesn't mean it's any good. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. If you're not a counselling type of person then you're not. It doesn't matter, you don't have to be.

I know, but then do I have to just put up with how I'm feeling/am? :) That's what worries me.

I don't know No, I don't think so. I think that, if you aren't a counselling kind of person, then, when you are ready, you will find that you have the desire and/or ability to change the things that need changing yourself. Or by talking to friends.

The kind of person you are wouldn't change anyway, I don't think.

Personally, I still have huge issues but I am a fully functioning adult, working full time and raising three children. I am very different person from the person I was at 16, 20 or 25. I made the changes I needed to when I decided to and when I was ready. I need to make many more but at the moment I can't and counselling isn't going to change that. I haven't found a use for therapy in my life and, though I don't dispute it working for other people, don't have a problem with saying that it doesn't work for everyone.

However, you sound so keen to make it work for you that maybe it can - maybe you just haven't found the right connection with the right person yet.

There are many different types of counselors but some people find counselling isn't for them full stop.

I react well to CBT, there's also a good therapy which involves a 2 way mirror (another counselor sits in another room, you can't see them and you have a counselor in the room with you, the counselor you can't see then gives feedback or an alternative view).

I also prefer solutions as to actually talking about the past - I realise that sometimes the past does make me feel anxious and affect me but I want solutions for the here and now.

sometimes medication is good but usually combined with therapy.

good luck.

You will know (and often through recommendation) when the therapy is working. I used to see a therapist who at visits to her practice at first I was quite upset, after a few months I felt much better and as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Conversely I saw another therapist before I saw the one listed in 1st para - I'd agreed a reduced rate with her but she was awful, tried to blame everything on my mother, got me to hit cushions (not me!) and then guilt tripped me about the reduced rate saying she needed more money really....

The 2 counselors I've seen in the past 13 or so years have helped with 2 separate issues completely but both have been great and have helped me through a tough patch. I would like to say I wouldn't need a therapist again but if I did need one I know how much they can help.

I know, but then do I have to just put up with how I'm feeling/am? That's what worries me.

This.

Pills don't work, so that leaves talk therapy, because just thrashing about trying to deal with my problems alone hasn't worked out, and I don't have a partner, or friends who can or will help or even understand. And as for hoping things will just get better with time...

And yes to the PP who said being intelligent (and hence cynical) can work against you. But you can't change that.

Although I also have a v bright friend who was talking about "those amazing moments in therapy when the therapist says something about you that you never realised before."
I was shocked. That has never happened to me. Though I know some people are less introspective than others.

But if you do understand yourself already, you're not going to get any of those moments in therapy, and rehashing the past/analysing your current perspective seems to be for their benefit, not yours.
So what purpose is it serving?

Hi OP just wondering, what type of counselling have you had? I.e. cbt, person centered, gestalt, etc?

Person centered AFAIK.

Maybe try finding someone who is a psychotherapist? Or someone who is a counsellor and a life coach so you can look forward as well as back? I've have two 'goes' of counselling in the past, one was also NLP qualified and was just what I needed at the time and one with someone who wasn't very good at all - you can normally tell after just one session.

Alternatively - or as well as the above - as the previous poster has suggested, do your own research - I like books by Rick Hanson.

As others have said, each counsellor/therapist will be very different. CBT is great for some things, rubbish for others. Same with humanistic and psychodynamic. Some therapists will unknowingly make things worse, particularly if the problem is based in trauma or shame. And some clients just aren't ready and then it doesn't matter how "good" the therapist is. You can't help someone who isn't ready to change.

The most important thing is how you get on with the therapist. You have to click. If you don't click, it probably isn't going to work.

I'm in counselling for anxiety caused by a series of events beginning in childhood and spiralling from there.

My journey has been up and down, not a smooth improvement. I have had to learn some new skills. I think if you don't learn how to help yourself, it can take longer. My problem is I naturally resist any help as I see it as a threat and this makes my process of re-wiring longer. I too spend much time talking about past situations and current ones and am learning to recognise why I react the way I do. It is called 'unpacking'. Next step is for me to start learning how to change the internal image of self I have which is the result of these events and how my brain coped with them. However, I don't think I will ever be 'cured', just that I will live a less stressful life!

SO, it may be you need a different counsellor who will approach it in a different way. Mine asks me every session how I think it is proceeding and if I am happy with they way we are working through things. Yours should do the same and change tack if it's not working - they don't use the same format for everyone because we all have different needs.

I've tried three, though :) surely you can only 'try someone new' a finite number of times!

Counselling is not for everyone - you've tried, more than one counsellor and more than one approach by the sounds of it.

Counselling however is only one of many types of 'talking therapies' - I would suggest to see your GP and be referred for a full assessment by your MH team to come up with a type of therapy that might be more appropriate to you - there are so many of them, from short-term CBT to much more longterm psychotherapy (of which there is many different types too).

Counselling is all about guided self-discovery, holding a mirror up to you to help you find a way out of whatever your difficulties are. More in depth forms of therapy go way beyond that.

Have you ever tried medication of any kind?

Speak to your GP.

I would offer a couple of thoughts. Be clear about the type of counselling being offered. It's quite varied, and by checking the individuals website/blog/etc you should be able to establish whether their approach suits your situation. Also, it is important to commit to the process. This sounds weird, but it is a game of sorts, albeit a genuine one. It isn't about advice, as you know. As a pp said, the counsellor can never "know" your life well enough to say "this is what you should do", and a good, professional one never would. Ethically the counsellor always respects the client's autonomy - your life, your decisions

There are no answers to lots of situations, often the best outcome is to establish coping mechanisms or to allow for the possibility of change etc. Some clients can be very resistant, some aren't ready for change, some are just sitting with the wrong counsellor. It is a bit of a lottery to find the right person, and maybe counselling just isn't for you. But the right type of counselling/therapy may well be when you find it. Do you know what it is that you are looking for as an outcome ?

A counsellor of my acquaintance told me that the initial presenting problem is NEVER the actual problem. Is that something that holds any truth for you perhaps?