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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask for advice re:grandparents' visitation rights?

24 replies

TheMustard · 18/05/2015 21:03

Good evening, this is not for me, but for SIL, who is not a mumsnetter, but is trying to seek advice.

SIL's MIL (for ease, I'll initial her just as "A") has a young daughter of 11, along with BIL, who is much older. A went on a holiday abroad last month for three weeks, leaving the daughter at SIL and BIL's house. She is a difficult child, and spent the time she was staying with them screaming (actual screaming) for more time on the iPad at bedtime, for the cats to be taken away from her, not wanting to get up for school, lots of strange behaviour. She was also texting her mum saying she was being mistreated, called names, etc.

Upon returning home from her holiday, A picked up her daughter with no thanks, and no word from them for a fortnight. Then, out of the blue two nights ago, she starts texting SIL late in the evening (we were out for a meal) demanding to know why her daughter had been mistreated, etc- she hadn't been at all. When SIL responded that she didn't wish to speak with her, and that she could talk to her son when he finished work, A sent a stream of very nasty text messages calling SIL delusional and a bitch, and saying that she would "come and get" answers out of her as to why she didn't want to speak to her. Some of the comments were extremely personal, such as accusing SIL of wanting to leave her husband, that she hated her mum, and that she had "flushed her first child down a toilet" (SIL had an abortion at 18). SIL refused to engage, and went to bed.

SIL and BIL have two small children, A being their paternal grandmother. Today she has sent a very formal text to both parents stating that they need to arrange regular visitation with her for the children, and that SIL and BIL need to respond within 7 days or she will get legal advice.

SIL is extremely shaken, and is considering calling 101 for advice- what can be done from here? AIBU to think she can't just suddenly start demanding visitation after no other communication than a stream of abusive messages?!

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSanity · 18/05/2015 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 18/05/2015 21:06

Grandparents have no legal rights

ltk · 18/05/2015 21:06

I hope SIL kept the texts. Because that is the nail in the coffin for grandma's.hope of visitation rights.

TheMustard · 18/05/2015 21:06

Yes, this is in the UK.

OP posts:
redexpat · 18/05/2015 21:07

SIL can relax. Im pretty sure gps dont have visotation rights. It comes up fairly regularly on mn.

ltk · 18/05/2015 21:08

I don't think it is true that gps have no legal rights At all. But this particular one won't get very far.

littlejohnnydory · 18/05/2015 21:09

The legal position as it stands is that Grandparents do not have rights to contact with Grandchildren. You may be better off posting this in legal. I would advise your SIL to keep texts (is there a way of printing them off?) and a record of all communication, so that if it did come to court the evidence of MIL's instability would be there.

6LittleOnes · 18/05/2015 21:09

In the UK grandparents have no legal visitation rights.

freezation · 18/05/2015 21:09

Yep GPs have no rights

PtolemysNeedle · 18/05/2015 21:11

A can get all the legal advice she wants, she won't get legally facilitated visitation. It doesn't sound like she even wants it, it's more like she wants to provoke a reaction and to be hurtful to your SIL.

I'd be advising your SIL to start getting advice about harassment and restraining orders, just so she knows where to start if she needs it.

NancyDroop · 18/05/2015 21:12

Have a read of the Gransnet thread COOTL (cut out of their lives).

Grandparents can not enforce contact.

NancyDroop · 18/05/2015 21:12

And I'm sorry your SIL has such a mean MIL.

TheMustard · 18/05/2015 21:14

Thank you so much all for the advice and the reassurance; all of it is very much appreciated. SIL has kept all of the messages, and is on with 101 now to log the incident with the police.

She also informed the primary school this morning, just in case A turned up at school at all.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/05/2015 21:16

I don't think your SIL needs to worry about her DC and grandma's visitation rights, but I do think your BIL & SIL should be concerned about the 11 yr old who sounds vulnerable and like she's living in an extremely difficult situation.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 18/05/2015 21:17

They don't have any formal visitation rights and your sil might want to report the abusive texts to the police (101) just in case your mail gets nasty later.

www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/grandparents/what-are-grandparents-rights/

StupidBloodyKindle · 18/05/2015 21:19

Tell your friend's husband to tell his mum she is out of order and she can go to a lawyer but she will be wasting time and money as they have kept copies of her toxic texts. If he is already nc with his mum and
prepubescent sister, (not making excuses up for her but it is a hell of an age and three weeks is a long time with new rules), then he can choose either not to respond (no reply IS a reply albeit a passive aggressive one), instruct a lawyer to reply or simply text/email back stating that in the absence of a thank you for taking care of her child, in the absence of an apology for her critique of said childcare, given the personal and vitriolic toxic communications the mother of her grandchildren has received, that he does not believe it is in the best interests of his children to remain in contact.

textfan · 18/05/2015 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love51 · 18/05/2015 21:22

The 'grandparents rights' are of course child rights. They apply when s grandparent has had care of a child becsuse the parent cant (as in family foster care, not babysitting!).

Penfold007 · 18/05/2015 22:23

OP grandparents have no automatic legal right to access. SIL & BIL need to keep records of all the nasty messages. Their children deserve to be protected. BILS little sister is in a difficult place but I presume there will be no further 'babysitting'

RedToothBrush · 18/05/2015 22:44

Take notes and go down the harassment route.

This is precisely why grandparents DON'T have rights, as it would result it huge amounts of controlling behaviour and manipulation, which isn't in the best interests of the children concerned.

Lovemydogs2015 · 18/05/2015 23:53

Actual applications by grandparents are rare. They usually need permission of the court first. Your SIL should try and get a chat with a lawyer if she is worried though. Some solicitors can do a free 30 mins consultation.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2015 23:54

There is no such thing

Topseyt · 19/05/2015 00:32

Let A go and get all of the legal advice she wants to. She will just end up with egg on her face because she will be legally advised that grandparents have no automatic visitation or access rights.

Your SIL and BIL need to consider getting their own legal advice though if she continues to harass them.

ollieplimsoles · 19/05/2015 06:57

Keep the texts and any correspondence SIL has with her MIL, she can try all she wants but she will get no where. I would say that if she carries on I would seek legal advice for harassment.

Its situations like this that boil my blood and make me so happy that GPs have no legal rights over a child. GCs are a privilege, not a right.

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