AIBU to not want my kids jokingly called fat?

[CrapBag]

I grew up with my GPs and we are close, however they are rather old fashioned and don't see things as I do but I also know that I can be oversensitive and take things too seriously.

Yesterday we were there with some other family and DCs were running around the garden, we were sat by the big windows looking out. DS (8) was running around, came over to the windows and lifted his team shirt up laughing (no idea why). My DGD called him fatty in a joking way. My DN then came over and was pointing and laughing at his 'fat' belly. Everyone else was laughing. I said "it's ok DS, you're not fat" (he really isnt) and my DGD kind of scoffed and said I was ridiculous (or something long those lines, I can't remember the actual word) and of course DS wouldn't take it seriously. I said you never know and it can be how eating disorders start. I don't for one minute think DS will get an eating disorder from a comment like this but its not the first time they have said something like this.

They think they are joking but DS can be very sensitive and can take things badly (which I explained but I could tell they thought I was being stupid). I also remember silly little jokey comments from when I was young, they used to tell me I was oversensitive and that I take things too seriously but it's how I am.

AIBU to not want my children called fat even as a joke? Probably irrelevant as I know they won't listen anyway. They are lovely bow and we do have a great relationship but there are some things they just don't really consider to be an issue.

I wouldn't consider this to be an issue either. You say they're lovely so there's no undercurrent here is there? It's just a silly joke in response to your child doing something silly / funny.

IMO you are over thinking and making this into something that it won't turn out to be

I think as a one off it wouldn't really bother me very much.

If it happened a few times I would be having very stern words, making sure the people responsible knew I thought it was out of order.

As a one off I feel that it is unlikely to do lasting harm, however if it is repeated it could start to implant a lingering negative thought into your DS which could potentially lead to a problem isn't he further. Although the chances are it wouldn't, I wouldn't like to risk it.

Yanbu at all. I don't think you need to make a 'thing' of it with them though, just keep an eye on the things that are said in DS's presence.

It sounds like nothing at all - we use fatty and fat as a term fairly often in our house
We aren't fat but use it with affection and to discuss our fat bellies etc after dinner
My eldest often likes to show if her lovely fat tum tum - she is unfortunately like a rake

Reclaim fat as a term not to be afraid of

Actually Op I agree with you. When I was a kid I was "teased good naturedly" by older relatives about a couple of my physical "attributes" and it took me literally decades to accept these bits as normal.... I also ended up with a huge body confidence problem (dysmorphia?) that even now at the wrong side of 30 I struggle with. And yes it could be that i am just naturally a more sensitive soul and may have turned out this way anyway but it's no coincidence that at my worst psychological setbacks I immediately flash back to those times and words. Please, anyone reading this (& hopefully including my Dp who often teases our toddler with no mal intent about her 'big fat tummy') who didn't experience this as a child and so pooh-poohs any suggestion of long term harm - stand corrected as I am definitely proof!!

That's nothing, as a child, my gran used to make cakes, cut them in half, and give me a whole half to myself (sharing the rest between family). She would then watch me eat it, whilst making comments such as 'www, expecting twins are we'. I should have cared, no one else used me as a cake-dustbin, but cake was good. The same grandma used to tell me, 'ah well, if you ever got really ill, it will be good to have an extra stone on you', she was right! Sorry, no advice, just had a trip down memory lane .

I think I would work on your dc's self esteem, rather than trying to stop them ever hearing anything said in a jokey way, in response to something they've said. If a child is going to get upset at any comment anyone makes, then that is the bit I would be working on. You'll never be able to stop them ever hearing a comment about them, either in a funny way or horrible way.
So yes, YABU to try to stop Grandparents responding to your dc in their own way, when there is no malice or criticism in what they are saying.

YANBU. I always got good naturedly teased about being skinny. Cue massive complex that lasted well into my twenties. Kids can take things to heart.

I think 8yo boys can be quite sensitive about being fat - DS1 went through a stage of not wanting to wear his coat because of some throw away comment a friend made.
So, I think YAnBU but I agree with tidy not worth making a thing about but worth keeping an eye on.

Although totally agree with Backforgood re helping counter possible effects by working on self esteem, and encouraging a lighthearted "bugger off!" (Or similar age-appropriate response!) to the perpetrators! I admit part of my issue was that I was never given any counter-ammo or reassurance of any kind from my parents... :( good that you're aware of it now to be that voice! :)

psuedo I had the exact same thing. Even now I am slim with curves, I still see the skinny arms with big bloody wrist bone sticking out.

thecrow yes DS can be very sensitive. He wore a particular thing to a dressing up day at school, it was cool, the year sixes thought so. His (so called) best friend laughed at it and I couldn't get him to wear it for ages after, same when another friend told him his particular wallet was babyish (it isn't), he didn't want to use it again.

I am trying to get him not to take notice of others and as long as he is happy/likes something etc then that is what matters but you can tell he just doesn't believe you and he will always listen to other people. He is very much like me which is why I am always wary of stuff like this. Even now when all the men in my family get together, I find I am often on the receiving end of the teasing, even my nan changes how she is towards me when there is a big group. I have tried pointing it out to her before but she tells me that it's rubbish and doesn't want to know. I don't want the same thing for my DCs as I hate teasing with a passion. I do accept that I am probably over thinking this one.

silver that's interesting as I feel a little like that. My nan says she did give me encouragement but I honestly don't ever remember it. I know it's easier to remember the bad stuff but given the circumstances in which I went to live with them, they didn't know how to deal with it and how to help me. It was like 'of you're away from that so you are fine now' when I really wasn't and have tried to bury it for years. After I had counselling last year about it all and they both said they aren't surprised I needed it which came as a real surprise to me that they even thought it.

It's why I counteracted it with "no you're not" to DS. I'd like to feel someone 'had my back' years ago so hopefully I an show this with DS.

I've actually just remembered what inspired me to start the thread. DS came down from bed earlier and was talking to delay going back to bed when he said about calling someone fat. I said we don't say that about people as it isn't nice and he just disagreed. Don't know if it's anything to do with yesterday, possibly a coincidence and he has picked it up from his not so delightful friends.

I think it is unlikely to have anything to do with yesterday, rather he just sees it as stating the obvious just like saying somebody old is old or somebody who is bald is bald.

Actually I'd be pretty pissed off. As parents we try to give our daughters a positive body image so why not our sons as well?
The whole 'it's just a joke you're too sensitive' bollocks makes me angry - it's only a joke if the other person laughs and if someone has to fall back on claiming their victim is too sensitive it usually means they know it makes that person uncomfortable but they don't care because they 'tell it as it is'.
YANBU.

YANBU, and I say this as someone with a history of eating disorders (ana, bulimia). Children remember things adults say to them about weight - I certainly did - and it's really not okay to "joke" about these subjects in front of impressionable DC.

I see no reason to comment on children's physiques, in jest or not, at all. Why would you?

No YANBU, I don't think saying someone is fat (even if they are) is particularly helpful. It may breed eating disorders. Both my sister and myself suffered for years after such comments, granted it was said in a controlling way, which may not have been the case of the OP.

I don't like it either op.

It's a negative comment and why use a negative comment to a child.

See that was my issue with it. Children remember and stuff sticks. It definitely wasn't said in a controlling way. It was said in a way that was like 'oh we are saying this and it's funny because it clearly isn't true' which is what my DGD said to me after and DS is quite fit through sports anyway so no it is obvious it's a joke but I honestly don't see how it's funny. I think years of people commenting on my weight have made me conscious of not commenting on weight.

You're morally in the right OP but in the long run will serve your DS better by helping him to understand and respond to this type of comment - his grandparents may start watching what they say at your request, but his peers won't (particularly at secondary school).

People who are able to shrug this sort of thing off do better than those upset by it or expecting the perpetrator to stop on request IME.

That's very true nequidnemis. I'd love to have been the type to shrug it off. I have been giving DS the advice I had, to agree and say "yeah that's right" as if they couldn't care less as the person saying it will give up if they aren't getting a reaction, something I always gave. It was good advice by my nan but I never did it. I am hoping DS might. I have a feeling DD will be more of a 'couldn't give a stuff' type anyway.

41 years ago I was 5. I was looking at my photo album with my Grandad. "Who's this fat little girl?" he asked in a jokey way, pointing at a picture of me. I was plumper than average and I knew it. It upset me hugely that someone who loved me should say that. I knew it was tru(ish) and that comment has stayed with me today. I don't think anyone should ever underestimate the power of an adult's words on a child. I equally remember a stranger giving me an unexpected compliment around the same time which helped my confidence. What words from an adult do others remember? Some words can lead to a lifetime of confidence. Others do not. Where appropriate I always try and say especially nice things to children now - you never know when a kind comment might be remembered in later life, as much as an unkind one, unfortunately.

We call each other variations on "fat-facer" all the time. That's why the word fat doesn't have any power.