Dh smoking drugs

[PBlaarth]

Hi, I really need some perspective on this, I'm worried I'm being completely unreasonable.

4 month old ds just spent 4 days in hospital due to losing weight. I stayed with him the whole time and dh came early in the morning and left late at night. I thought he was going home after leaving us, but quite by chance I found out that one night he went to a mates, got high, then fucking drove home. We both stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant with ds.

This was 2 days ago and I'm still angry and upset, and not really talking to him, except for baby stuff. I feel he put our family at risk. He uses his car for his job, and obviously he could have had an accident. I feel upset because he kind of rushed off that night even though I wanted him to stay longer.

How long would it take you to get over this? Would you have already? AIBU?
Thanks
X
Ps. We're home now and ds is doing very well :-)

I wouldn't be over it by now at all. In fact I would probably be rethinking my relationship but I have a zero tolerance for drugs.

Does he do this often?
Will he do it again?
Does he understand the implications of his actions not only towards his family unit but potentially if he is driving while high he could kill/injury somebody else.
Will he continue to smoke drugs?
Can you trust him to care for the baby?

If you want these questions answering then you need to talk to him. You won't get over it until you discuss how you feel about it.

Pleased your baby is doing well now and has recovered

We both stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant with ds

That is obviously not the case. YOU stopped smoking when you were pregnant.

His baby son is seriously ill in hospital and he is off getting stoned?

It doesn't sound good PBlaarth. YANBU at all. It's a trust issue. Would he have told you what happend if you hadn't found out 'quite by chance'? It would take me a long time and a lot of talking with dh to get over something like that.

How long to get over it?

Never.

I couldn't be with anyone who did drugs at all.

As for putting more importance on that than his hospitalised son

Maybe that's how he thought would be best to deal with the stress,

would you be bothered as much if he walked home rather than driving?

For people where drugs is the issue, what if he had decided the best way to deal with his young child being in hospital was to go to the pub? or to go to a friends house a drink?

Different people deal with different things in different ways.

Sure if he uploads pictures to facebook showing he was having a great time whilst you're in hospital I'd find that hard to "get over", but going to see a friend, might have been a way for him to get some support in what sounds like a difficult time.

obv not good, particularly the leaving hospital earlier in than you would have liked in the situation.

However I would add that he might we'll have been very stressed by the situation of his child in hospital and going smoking to deal with it is probably better than going and getting smashed in the pub. Obviously doing neither is preferable.

Finally, the driving. And I'll get flamed for offering this viewpoint, particularly given recent law changes (which weren't primarily aimed at weed but did include it). But there is a school of thought, backed by research, that mildly stoned people are better drivers than sober people.seattletimes.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/pot/files/2015/02/812117-Drug_and_Alcohol_Crash_Risk.pdf

I'm not passing that off as definitive and haven't read it. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is:

"Whilst his behaviour wasn't ideal and I don't condone or excuse it. There are mitigating factors and presuming your DH has been a fairly regular smoker historically, then he probably wasn't the mobile death trap that the average pearl clutching MNer is about to tell you he was in this thread"

Not good, but not LTB.

I would rethink the relationship.

Diddl, at risk of derailing the thread I presume that means you would leave anyone who had a pint of lager or a prescribed painkiller too?

Notauniqename I agree with your points, the pub thing keeps coming up in my head. But it's more the driving home part that makes me angry.

Mrssquirral yes it is a trust issue and I feel he's more sorry I found out tbh. No, I don't think he would have told me :-(

OP, don't lose sight of the fact that the whole situation is undoubtedly having a massive effect on your partner too. I'm not saying what he's done is 100% cool, I'm just saying there are big extenuating circumstances. Could you let this go as long as it is a one-off?

He has acted completely unacceptably. If I take your background of being more accepting of drugs than many (which I assume due to your past use and am not being judgemental in any way) then.... If it was a one off I could get over something like this but only if he turned a corner and accepted that it was unacceptable and was truly sorry and never did it again. However... It is a huge trust issue and I actually suspect it is not a one off and that he did not stop smoking... Otherwise why, 1 yr after quitting is his knee jerk reaction to a stressful situation (or worse an opportunity with you out of the house) to go to smoke?! Why did he rush off? What is his explanation for leaving you earlier than needed. Was he upset? And then suddenly had an opportunity to smoke or was he planning to go all along?

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with my DP having the odd smoke, I see it like me having a glass of wine after a hard day. So from my point of view YABU about that but definitely not about the driving thing, make sure he knows the implications of what would happen if he had an accident or was pulled over by the police.

Sounds like you are going through a tough time with your DS being in hospital but I think leaving your DH as suggested by other posters is a bit OTT.

Although some posters may have zero tolerance for any drug use, that's probably not going to be the OP's point of view as a former user of recreational drugs herself.

So, OP, assuming that you aren't intending to LTB over this, I think you need to ensure that he fully appreciates the position that he put you all in. As mentioned above, driving whilst high is not a great idea, and although it's not necessarily as dangerous as one might think, that would all be beside the point if he got caught, because it is illegal, and that would have left your whole family in a really awful position.

You need to talk to him about what he was thinking - did he really need stress relief, was he just trying to have one last night out before your son comes home or what? I think you will get past it in time, but he needs to understand that his decisions affect more than just him and you now, so he cannot just carry on regardless and expect you to pick up the slack because he fancies going off for a smoke.