to think that he absolutely can get a job?

[GetAJob]

Conversation with a relative about another family member, we've had it a few times and I get so frustrated at relatives thoughts/attitude about it.

Our family member is a LP, due to him and his mother putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on the the DCs DM to give the dad custody when they split. She is very meek and mild and scared of my relative, relative can be difficult and controlling, he gets his way and she struggled to get access at all due to his controlling nature, we think she did end up taking him to court for access eventually (just trying to give some back ground).

The DC is at school. Relative has hardly ever worked. Had a couple of jobs but cannot keep hold of them. He keeps getting sent on courses because of his benefits but work rarely comes from it, he is now doing yet another course. I was asking my mutual relative today what the point of yet another course is when he just doesn't want to work and she said that he cant because he refuses to do a job that doesn't absolutely fit in with school hours. I said he can and he can do what every other parent has to do and use breakfast and after school clubs, plus his mum is a SAHM to her other DC so could, and would in a shot, have her DC more often. Our mutual relative thinks it is acceptable that he shouldn't work when he has a child to look after (even though we all think the child would be better off with the mum and part of it is down to him controlling when the mum can see her DC), I think it's a ridiculous excuse and he should get a job instead of just claiming benefits and doing pointless courses (they would be very useful courses if he would actually get a job out of it). Part of the reason he struggles to hold down a job is he absolutely does not like being told what to do.

I know it's nothing to do with me. This is not a benefit bashing thread. I myself claim benefits because of long term illness. I wish I could work. It pisses me off to see him taking the piss because he thinks he should only be able to work in school hours, in term times (and a job in a school would not be the answer for him as a person).

I think you should stop having opinions about someone else's life.

Just as an example, someone might argue that if you can post on MN you can work from home on a computer. And that wouldn't feel very nice, being judged, would it?

I see where you're coming from, OP. It must be frustrating to watch someone display this slightly precious, I'm-too-good-for-this-shit sort of attitude. And I agree - benefits should be there to help those who can't work, not those who just refuse to work.

But I doubt there's a great deal you can do about it - if you try and interfere, you're only likely to make yourself unpopular. Also, is there a chance you don't know everything? There may be some undisclosed circumstance there that make his attitude and choices more defensible.

I think I'd ignore and try not to let it bother you, if I were you.

I just caught "we all think the child would be better off with the mum".

Er, yeah, that's really not up to "you all" to decide. It's for the parents to work out between themselves and if that's not possible, the experts in the family courts. Beak out. Sorry.

I just feel sorry for the mother and the child.

Why is this any different from any mums out there who don't work because of needing to fit around school hours? Is it just that you don't feel that a dad should have custody of the children because we, as a society, are used to mums always being the resident parent?

I can see where you're coming from, and I agree that people should work if they are capable, children or not, but your relative is doing something that women plenty of women everywhere are doing, and they get sympathy for being in that situation. Including controlling when the other parent can see their child.

I wonder how differently you'd feel if your relative was female? Why is ok for your relatives ex to be a SAHP but not your relative?

peppermint you are offensive and I'm not going to respond to your utterly ridiculous and insulting comment.

textfan that is a good point.

puntastic I wouldn't interfere, it's purely an opinion (and this is place is full of people with opinions for those who think I should keep my nose out). No there aren't any other circumstances, he is perfectly fit and healthy, he was offered a decent job but refused to take it because he wouldn't be able to pick his DC up each day. As I said it's frustrating as the DCs own mother would do it, it's not like finding childcare would be a problem for him. His attitude is terrible and he is aggressive and controlling and we feel sorry for his ex and wish she had never got mixed up with him. I don't have my beak in to beak out. . It's not like I am phoning him up and telling him all this. It appears that his ex is afraid of him so I doubt she'll try for full custody, it's a huge thing that she took him to court in the first place.

No indy that's not it. She has a younger child and a partner who works. That's as much as I know about her situation. This is about this particular person, not dads or SAHPs in general.

"Including controlling when the other parent can see their child." oh this is something that really annoys me regardless of who it is, it is rarely in the interest of this child, more punishing the other parent. My dad's ex tried it and stopped him seeing their children for months, he was ready to take her to court when she finally relented. It really pissed me off. I hate it when any parent does this (unless there are extenuating circumstances where it is in the child's best interest). I'd feel the same if it was a female relative, in fact I do have a female relative in a similar situation but her DS is still young, she has never worked though and refused jobs in supermarkets because "why should I do that when I don't want to". It's a terrible attitude.

it must frustrate you a hell of a lot to have to sit by and watch all this crap happening to a loved one and it is difficult, but the adults have to sort themselves out, has your relative been awarded regular access? if not then that needs to be sorted out, is the ex aggressive with the dc, then social services can get involved, he might have been controlling to her but o.k with the dc. at the end of the day you can give your support to your relative and be there for her, but otherwise you are rather limited. as for your employment status, perhaps you could work from home, but as nonoe on here knows your personal situation it isn't really their place to comment or criticise you.

I wonder if he fought for custody in order to have a reason why he couldn't work?