WIBU to say something to friend's husband?

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

A friend and I have drinks and 'nibbles' at mine a couple of times a month in the evening to catch up. It's only about 2-3 hours, not an all nighter. I'm also friends with her DH though not as close. Sometimes she buys, sometimes I do.

She's also having troubles with her DH and they're on the verge of splitting. Trying to work things out for the kids. Failing miserably if I'm honest. I've lost a lot of respect for her DH though have stayed uninvolved...it's their relationship, not mine.

Tonight is supposed to be a drinks night. I bought the things this time. But her DH, knowing she's supposed to be coming over, has decided not to come home again. He does this frequently if she's supposed to be going out...it stops her from being able to leave because their DC are in bed. I can't go to her because DD is asleep.

We both know exactly where he is. He's only a matter of streets away.

He's done this 5 times so far and 4 were on nights where I've been paying. I feel like I'm wasting money frequently because he doesn't want her to have a life.

I want to stay uninvolved. I genuinely do. It's all very messy but I've managed to so far. But honestly, I'm sick of spending money only for him to decide she's stuck at home. I'm not very well off at all...these are my treat nights. We buy treat foods that I never get through in time on my own so I end up throwing loads of the food away.

It would be really unreasonable for me to say something to him, wouldn't it? I see him several times a day most days...And every bloody time I see him I get a little bit more annoyed because I know she's looking after their DC all day again. But wasting my money yet again has really annoyed me

Just to reiterate, I am not asking for alternative food arrangements I could make in order to accommodate for her DH's behaviour.

Well done - it needed saying, so rude and annoying and dickish. Hopefully he will be a bit considerate from now on, for you, if not for her. Tbh, next time you arrange something, I'd be tempted to check with him he is actually going to go the fuck home, as agreed with his dw, before you buy any food for the night!

I was half tempted to do that today TRex after the previous times he did it. I've been very much trying to hold onto the fact that he hasn't always been a twat. He's just gone massively downhill after he lost his job last year and he's sabotaging his marriage more and more as he struggles to find work, especially as she's the breadwinner now.

I suppose the issue too is that the OP
wouldn't have chosen to spend the money on food just for herself. It's been budgeted as entertainment money, eating it herself isn't really the point.

YANBU.

Frustrating but if it's happened before then perhaps book a babysitter?

you could suggest to your friend that she gets a babysitter for the evenings she comes round to yours, that way she's not being held to 'ransom' by him and it sets the ball rolling with regards the new set up now that they are separating.

I wouldn't say anything, you will make it worse for her.

Next time, tell her not to tell him of her plans & as soon as he gets home, she leaves for yours.

I don't understand why the food has to get thrown, surely you can eat it at other times, most foods would last! If you are that worried about it, your local food bank would be very appreciative to get some food for those who really can't afford it.

If you can afford to bin 20quid worth of food, you can afford it.

Is it a bit off that you're more bothered about what you've bought than how he's manipulating your friend into not going out Snap!

There is nothing OP can do about the "massive twat of a man" that won't escalate things for the friend. OP DOES sound very concerned about the cost of the food, so it is understandable that people are focusing on it.

Just hope you haven't pissed him off too much, splitting up is a vulnerable time for women in relationships and many men would hate to be 'pulled up' by a friend of his wife & would use it as ammunition against his wife.

I don't think you have helped her at all.

I think focusing on the food and the cost is slightly odd, if you would eat it all between two of you with no waste then surely you can eat your half on the night she should have been there, and then eat her half on the next night?

But what he's doing is wrong and unfair and it not only inconveniences you, but totally sabotages her ability to have a social life or make any plans, just out of spite, and to keep her in her place. That's not nice.

If you know him well enough you should be able to say 'come on, what the hell do you think you are playing at? don't be such a twat.' without getting dragged too far into their marital strife.