Lied to my children about breakup

[VivienScott]

My ex and I broke up recently after living together for a year, he's now moved out. My children were very fond of him (he's not their father BTW). He quite often worked away from home so they were used to him not being around for long periods of time sometimes.

At the moment, I've got so much going on in my life (my exams, work, house moving, my DC's dad being troublesome) as well as the break up I just haven't got the energy to deal with their emotions over the break up so I've told them he's had to go and work away from home for a while, something they seem quite happy to accept.

My plan is to tell them in a month or so when it's all settled down a bit (though I appreciate there is never a good time for this sort of thing) and they're used to him not being around that we've broken up.

I know it's always best to be upfront with kids, but I just can't handle it right now. AIBU lying to them about it? I'm so knackered and stressed I can't work it out in my head.

I'm just after some rational, non-exhausted perspective I guess.

It sounds to me like you are doing your very best in a difficult situation. You will be their stability and so you have to look after yourself. For the greater good.

Is there no chance that they will find out from anyone else?

I don't think there's anything wrong in principle with what you're doing. My only thought is that they might ask you when he's coming back? It could be tricky as you either say 'soon,' which may get their hopes up, or you cave in and say 'actually he isn't,' which might make them guess that you were not telling the truth all along. I wonder if it would be better to tell them simply because that will allow you to control how the information comes out - and it's easier to forestall them getting it out of you by doing it sooner rather than later. Also, consider whether it might build up to be a bigger thing in your mind than it needs to be if you delay telling them - it might even delay you're getting over the break-up. In any case, it might be worth having a plan to deal with any questions that should arise before you tell them. Good luck

I personally wouldn't lie as it could well make things worse for the children. They might always in future wonder whether something bad is happening that you're keeping from them and it could make them insecure to think that your reassurance can't be relied on because you may not be telling the truth.

Very very wrong. No matter how tired you are you still need to deal with your kids emotional wellbeing. Deep breath sit down tell them. Say it is all to sad to deal with lots of questions at the moment but you will answer them all in time

Yanbu, I think you need to feel a bit stronger emotionally so you can support them when you do tell them. At this moment they don't really feel different as they are used to him working away, so use this time to get used to the idea.

I think my biggest worry is that when I split with DC's dad my DD was hellish to deal with. She blamed me entirely (he cheated and I did offer to go to counselling etc but he refused and moved in with the OW so I couldn't have done anymore to save that relationship) and it was just f-ing awful to deal with. I'm just dreading her doing the same again this time, even though she's a few years older now.

No one else will tell, I've only told friends not my family, my mother is one of those who believes that any relationship is better than no relationship and will just bang on at me to find someone else.

I know it's a shit thing to do to them, quite possibly won't be doing relationships again after all this!