To be a bit annoyed

[ClaraM]

Just trying to get a measure of how unreasonable I am! (according to DH very).

DH has applied for a law degree but hasn't mentioned it to me, as he says it's not important. He's going to pay for it, it's part time by distance learning and would take up to 6 years. He's doing it for 'fun', it would have no impact on his job as he already has several relevant degree level qualifications. It will mean several study weekends a year and studying in the evenings, therefore having some impact on family life (he already works a lot and spends a lot of time on hobbies). I have 2 SN children from previous relationship (one severely disabled), a job, already do most of housework and childcare! AIBU to expect him to at least discuss it with me? I know he can do what he wants, it's not up to me, but I don't seem to feature in his thinking at all.

DH also sometimes goes out very early (5.30am) for one of his hobbies. This usually wakes me up as he puts light on and has a shower etc. i don't really mind this as sometimes I can go back to sleep. Quite often though, his friends hang around outside waiting for him chatting loudly. This must disturb our sleeping neighbours at 5.30 am. I think this is very inconsiderate but DH thinks IABU again.

I am beginning to think I live in an alternative universe where no one considers anyone else. Is it me?

And the children are your responsibility, not his, isn't that right?
What? They are married. I don't get that at all.

Turning the lights on at 5.30 am is just selfish. Why would a person do that knowing how hard you work and precious sleep is.
Sorry OP but I think he is leading a single man's life with the added comforts when he wants them!

I'm leaning toward YANBU, I'd find this situation irritating.

it is worth having a think about why you put up with selfish lazy partners though. I don't like how the dc's father seems to have got off lightly with "oh he doesn't live near and he's not very helpful" and yet your DH is getting it in the neck for not doing enough for your (and your ex's) children.

True WhoNickedmyname, DH finds that annoying. Practically exH is 1.5 hrs away, was violent and had mental health issues and I'd rather not have too much to do with him. But indeed he has got off lightly as you say. You are right, I do seem to put up with this sort of behaviour. My partners never seem to accept that there is anything wrong with any of their behaviour.

I think the overall theme here is that OP&DCs come as a unit. I just can't see how someone with young resident children could be seen as anything else!

The DH knew this when he married... I can't see any sucessful step parent families where the step dad/mum doesn't take a large role in looking after young kids that are living with them....

Any other way, and then it becomes it them continuing to live and have the advantages of a single life whilst living with you?

If we turn it on it's head:

So if these are not 'my' kids - should I be expected to cook for them /look after them /take an interest?? (clue the answer is yes!).

Perhaps I'll just go and have my own food in the fringe, not buy any shopping for anyone else, just cook for myself, just clean my half of the bedroom. -just take on a 6yr degree without mentioning it--

He needs to have an attitude change...

YANBU. I did a law degree PT while working FT and it is a lot of work. I certainly couldn't do it now I have dc as well.

He sounds as though he is living a bachelor lifestyle within your family. That must have a massive impact on your life.

The time needed for reading alone in a law degree is massive. The weekend courses are the very least of the time commitment involved.

He definitely should have discussed this with you first.

I'm half way through a psychology degree with the open university and it takes way more than a couple of hours a night and a few weekends a year. It's expected that you commit up to 30 hours a week for study time, it takes more than this in the lead up to assignment deadlines and exams. It's a huge commitment and I discussed it with my dh before I began studying.

It's bloody hard balancing coursework with my dcs and keeping the house in a reasonable state. It's not fair to take something like that on when you have a partner and children without discussing it.

If he works long hours, spends lots of free time on hobbies and is now taking on a distance learning degree he's not going to have any time to spend with you and the children. I'd be massively pissed off if dh did this and I'd expect the same from him if I did the same.

Why did you two get married?

You don't sound 'married' iykwim? You do your thing 'the dcs', he does his thing 'hobbies & course'. You don't sound like a team.

What's the point?

A little harsh JackieHarris.... :) We do enjoy each other's company and generally get on well. Combine DH's independent nature with 2 demanding jobs and 2 children with SN, one needing constant supervision and care. This does put strain on things in most relationships. I do get time out, it is just not that easy to get time out together. I think if we had the freedom/time we'd do a lot more together than we can now. Another reason why DH's degree idea seems a bit crazy.

YANBU he is.If you choose to spend your life with someone that already has children your making the choice to become a family not just a couple,a family.

We have 5DC,2 of our children are disabled my husband only helped make our youngest.But as far as he is concerned he is they're Dad and as far as they're concerned he is they're Dad.He treats them all equally and looks after them all not only are youngest.

I was a single Mum to 4DC when we met and he hadn't had any children.He knew we came as a whole,I really can't stand Men or Women that get into a relationship with someone knowing full well that they have children but then decide that they don't feel any responsibility towards the children.

He IBU. He was selfish for not discussing it with you before he signed up.