to be fed up with a friend who's STILL sulking

[bananacarnival]

5 weeks later, after an emotional outburst on my part for which I've apologised for profusely, still no contact from supposed 'best friend' of 25 years. I've contacted him since to ask after him, but on a day to day basis whereby we were normally speaking everyday, I'm not hearing from him at all. Nothing. I posted this on 'what would you do ' a few weeks ago, but only got one reply. I'm ready to send him a message saying "are you sulking? If so, think I've misjudged our friendship "If anyone can be bothered to read it here's my old post. Thanks in advance for any advice :

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Talk What would you do?
Sulking friend - what would you do?3
06/05/2015 20:48 bananacarnival

Closest friend of the past 25 years is currently giving me the complete silent treatment and I feel as though he should be making contact with me, not vice versa.

In the past 9 months I've been going through some kind of a near breakdown. Lots of health issues, very depressed and lots of stress including lots of demands on me and my time, marital crisis, recent trauma etc
Best friend has spent some time with me but generally tries to avoid talking about my problems. Throughout our teens and twenties he's done more than his fair share of listening and I've always thought of him as my rock.

Recently he keeps asking me to meet up with him when our kids are at school,to talk about our shared interest - music, not much else... a bit too frequently for my liking- I've got a lot on. I generally say yes because I'm trying to support him as he was made redundant a year ago, also possibly depressed.
A few weeks ago he asked me to drive him somewhere (medical appointment) and I ended up waiting in the hot car for 2 hours, and cried because I was in a lot of pain - shoulders/ migraine. I needed to get things done and I couldn't.
When he returned to the car I sobbed my guts out as I drove us back, almost hysterical. I told him that I'm not well, I'm highly stressed and even more stressed now that I couldn't get things done... he said sorry several times quietly but remained stunned by my outburst.

Later that evening I sent him a message to say I'm deeply sorry for my outburst, that I wasn't angry with him but with the situation etc. He said he understands and was sad to see me that way and if he can help just ask.

That was 3 weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything. I feel that I've apologised - should I be the one to contact him again? We normally speak everyday.
I feel that a true friend would actually drop a quick line to say ' no pressure, but are you ok?'

Am I missing something here?

Thanks

I suspect he may be keeping his distance in order to let you have some space and to protect himself from another epic and unexpected meltdown. Just leave him to his own devices for a little while. If he's a true friend he'll be back in touch when the dust has settled. Don't, whatever you do, give him the impression that you think he's "sulking" and don't pester him for contact either.

And re give and take, yes, though my 20s he was always there, the listener but in the last 10 years, I've been through a lot and yet I'm always supporting him. He very rarely says ' how are you?', or asks after my dying father, or after my daughter who was in a horrific burns accident, or how I'm bearing up since discovering my husbands affair... I'm constantly advising and talking about him over the past 10 years. We're in our mid 40 now...

I've tried to make up for all the support he gave me years ago, but it's so one way now.
In fact, just writing this down I realise I'm actually resentful of him.

Perhaps he feels after 25 years as your rock he has nothing left to give. Not everyone knows how to handle the type of emotional outburst you describe and he might have had enough of it?

If you value him - go and see him!! Personally I would apologise....i know how crap London parking /driving can be... But is it worth losing a valued friend over??

I would be knocking on his door... Saying how much you value him and that you're sorry for being a banana..!

Yes, you do sound resentful of him. Let him go. Friendships of 25 years do end, it's not that uncommon.

Well - he could be feeling embarrassed that he took up so much of your valuable time that day, and doesn't want to interfere with your hectic schedule again, given that you're unwell etc.

I know I would after your outburst, despite the apology (which I would have accepted).

I would be steering well clear until I discovered somehow that you were feeling better - but I wouldn't be in any hurry to contact you in case it interfered with your hectic schedule.

I think you need to find some time to have a coffee with him, IF you want to carry on this friendship - contact him yourself to ask him for coffee and then go from there. How he responds will say a lot about how much life this friendship has left in it.

Yes, you do sound resentful and it sounds like your friendship is shifting...

perhaps it's time to let it go a bit. Do you have other friends?

I understand what everyone is saying about my message being confrontational, won't be sending that.
As to what I said during the outburst:" I've been sitting in this stupid car for more than 2 hours!!" Hysterical crying. indicating 'to do ' list :" not been able to get a single thing done " couldn’t find anywhere to bloody well park, chased by the bloody traffic wardens "..... Crying more. Oh my God, another red light, going to be late for school run, how was your treatment? Aaaaaah another red light. Hysterical crying.

Basically I was worn out, mentally and physically, he'd spent the previous day with me too - ... Just got fed up with it all.

I would send :

I am so sorry, I don't know what more I can say but I am here for you whenever and do miss you, take care xx

Then leave it up to him, see what happens

You need to get yourself round to his house. And apologise and mean it. To me it sounds as though your consumed with how you feel and you're not looking beyond that. You can push a person only so far.

The other possibility of course is that this isn't about you. It could well be about him and something in his life. He may feel unable to speak with you about it.