to hate my own mum?

[cubmum]

Shes not terrible but a nutcase, im not girly was a daddy's girl, she hates my dad, never got along, i go into teenage rage whenever she visits, she lives abroad so I don't have to deal with her thankfully. barely talk/got worse after ds1 and I prefer to just avoid her till she dies tbh.

But now I am expecting a girl I am worried about retribution and just generally that I'm being a terrible human being who who can't even honour thy mother and forgive what is probably not a big deal in grand scheme of things

In what respect do you mean you are worried about "retribution"?

Have you thought about talking through some of the issues you've had with your mother with a counsellor so you can in some way move on and not let it affect your relationship with your daughter? The fact that you don't get on with your mother doesn't in any way mean you are a bad human being!

You can't change the past.

You are in some control of the future.

No one parents like their parents.

Well I think having a ' nutcase ' in your life instead of a the rational, respectful, and kind Mother you deserved, is pretty terrible.
However, you have the advantage over your Mother in that you have some insight into how a relationship should be.
So therefore I don't think your relationship with your daughter needs in any way to replicate, yours with your Mother.
If you treat your DD how you would like to be treated, with respect, you can't go wrong.
You will be fine.
I came from a Toxic background and I haven't got the same relationship with my Dcs as I had with my Mother and Father. Thank goodness

I had like you, much more insight into what made me tick.

Look at what you wrote. "Probably not a big deal in the grand scheme of things".

It sounds like you have had the thought that we all parent differently - because we're all individuals. Maybe you're thinking how you would feel if your son or daughter - or both of them - hated you!

Life changes, and we all change as we go through life. Maybe you're ready gor a rapprochement? Just because you feel you "hated" her doesn't mean that can never change.

Unless you leave it too late of course!

I don't like my mum, and sometimes I think I don't even love her. We live on different sides of the world so it's not too much of a big deal, day to day. But I spend days trying to decide what I want from her, what I want from our relationship, and I simply cannot really decide. I know my friends often suggest I talk it through with her, but I just cannot do that. I don't think I could be that honest with her, we seem to just ignore the elephant sitting in the corner, rather than talk about how we don't really get on.

I have two daughters and so I understand why this is playing on your mind, it plays on my mind for similar reasons. I dont have any answers for you, I just thought I'd chime in with my story.

Trust me my mum was awful, I was put into care because she liked her 'men' more!
And I have 5 children, two are girls.
And I am NOTHING like her.

I meant to add, my mum wasn't a bad person, she was doing her best in terrible circumstances.

But I look back and see that my experience gave me the insight to help me avoid such circumstances, have a much better life, be a much better mum and have a vastly different and better relationship with my own daughter.