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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make dd pay some or all of this back?

37 replies

Supervet · 14/05/2015 09:16

Well firstly I will be open and say dd does have mild learning difficulties (Dyspraxia and processing issues) and does struggle a bit socially.

DD is due to go to France with school. Not long after she booked the attacks in Paris happened and lots of classmates seemed to drop out.

DD was given chance 1 at this point to drop out (due to her friends dropping out rather than the attack)

DD decided to still go. Then another person she knows well dropped out and she had a bit of a crisis over it. She was then given chance 2 to drop out but still wanted to go.

DD was worrying about the trip and sleeping with someone she did not know, they go round the theme park in groups and she knows no one. We went to see the French teacher who had a chat and dd was given chance 3 to drop out.

The deadline has now passed. Collective passport ordered. Full amount paid etc. Now dd is absoloutely refusing to go on the trip and will not go to the meeting in school time about it as she might not be able to get back in to the sen room at lunch time.

I am rather pissed off as we are low working income and I struggled to pay this for her as she was so desperate to go.

So now I lose £260 in money plus another £50 that I will have to pay my parents back as they stumped up the deposit.

AIBU to remove her pocket money from my parents and not buy her anything but essentials until it is paid back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Supervet · 14/05/2015 10:31

The idea was that the children who were going alone or who were shy and struggled had ice breaker type fun session to get to know each other. This has not happened but in fairness might yet. I actually have a meeting next week so we will have to see what happens then but as it stands she is fully refusing to go no matter what the outcome or support put in place.

OP posts:
youmakemydreams · 14/05/2015 10:41

I don't know it is a hard one. Ds has dyspraxia and processing issues as well as adhd. We have been here any times as well. The last big one was a residential with her primary 7 class atbthe start of the year. She is nearly 12 too by the way. Not my finest parenting moment by any standards and it ended up with me and her yelling at each other. She went and had an absolute ball and overcame a fear of heights. How you would get her to Paris I have no idea. I have at times strong armed her into going to things as I know with dc it is the thougtht of the unknown that is the problem rather than the deed itself and so far it has never ended badly.

The problem is that I am super aware that ds even if she had to
Pay back the money just wouldn't get the consequences in the same way her brothers would and they are younger. It is almost like punishing a small child weeks after the event the moment is gone and we would have constant battles about why she still isn't getting pocket money. She just isn't able to process that and carry it through to its natural consequence.

I would say if there is any way to get her to go I wpuld do it. The times dd has actually been made to do things have actually achieved more in the terms of learning things than the times she has missed out on the end.

youmakemydreams · 14/05/2015 10:42

Sorry that should be dd not ds.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/05/2015 11:26

Supervet - have you talked to her at all about the cost of the trip, how much money you will lose, and how hard it has been to find that money, and asked her what she thinks is a reasonable consequence for her, if she does pull out of the trip?

Mistigri · 14/05/2015 11:36

I think at this point you need to insist that she does go, and get the school on board to support her. Regardless of SN it's important for young people to realise that obligations can't be ducked out of because they are onerous or a bit frightening.

I find with my DS (not SN but "odd" with sensory processing issues - would possibly be considered mild ASD in the UK) that once the decision is clearly out of his hands he does just get on with it. It requires all the adults concerned to be on board though.

SirChenjin · 14/05/2015 11:42

I would offer her the choice - pay the money back over a period of time or go to the meeting. I would absolutely not force her to go to France - if you struggle socially then being forced to go on a residential trip without the support you feel you need in place could be a disaster and could put her off going on further trips.

GloGirl · 14/05/2015 11:45

Why not make your own icebreaker session? Invite evrryone round for a buffet tea after school one Friday?

caravanista13 · 14/05/2015 11:58

Twelve is still very young and her feelings may very well have changed as the trip got closer. I think you have to chalk this up to experience. Whatever you do don't force her on the coach - that would be cruel.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/05/2015 12:54

I will give a different perspective on this... I'd been about 6 months at a new private school and a trip to a computer camp (learning IT skills and the wonders of the Staffordshire countryside) came up. 2 of my close friends were going at the time and another friend (I'd known her from a previous school) was also going but I didn't consider her a close friend.

I had anxiety issues (severe PMS too) which wasn't treated full time then and was quite a sensitive teenager.

I had an awful week away... I remember going to Alton Towers and being paired up with the not close friend and her best friend and just tagging along with them but feeling like a gooseberry especially when some teenaged boys tried to tag along with us but not interested in me! I have photos of me on some ride smiling along but feeling shit. Everyone else knew each other really well but I didn't know them at all (as fairly new) and I recall various outings and a church meeting at an RAF base (we saw the air planes afterwards) and feeling utterly wretched. There is more to this... but I won't go into it here... I sort of made a dramatic gesture... but I wish now I'd just not gone and ignored whoever persuaded me it'd be 'ok'.

at 12 I wouldn't say she has to pay it all back maybe half of the cost. The full amount is a bit unfair. Maybe extra chores.

PotteringAlong · 14/05/2015 13:00

She was given 3 chances to drop out and ahe didn't want to. I'd force her to go now working on the fact that she'll actually enjoy it.

Bursarymum · 14/05/2015 13:14

But although she was given three chances to drop out, children don't reason things out the way adults do. She probably got cold feet at the last minutes.m

Spydra · 14/05/2015 13:41

If you're making the decision - tell her she's going, it's paid, end of.

If she is making the decision, it's her job then, to go to the French teacher and talk it through with her.

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