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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am an unreasonable nutter

24 replies

Balanced12 · 14/05/2015 07:44

So I know I am going to be told YABU but think I need to hear it.

I have a wonderful partner who took on my DD as his own and I love him to bits. But I have always been open about wanting to get married and have more children we agreed on one more And marriage. But it just isn't happening, he says we will but I've been waiting years.

AIBU to be extremely stroppy and considering throwing away what I have for potential misery.

OP posts:

startrek90 · 14/05/2015 08:45

YANBU you want something different but your DP doesn't obviously....time to cut your losses whilst there is still time to have a baby. I think men forget that women have a really small fertility window compared to them

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 14/05/2015 08:48

No, I don't think you're an unreasonable nutter. Why do you think that about yourself?
You're not making unreasonable demands if you've been waiting years. How old are you?

CatMilkMan · 14/05/2015 08:55

You had an agreement and it has not happened, how much longer are you willing to wait bearing in mind it might not happen at all no matter how long you wait.
Have you talked about it? Why exactly isn't it happening?

Original poster

Balanced12 · 14/05/2015 10:05

I'm 30 and wanted to have had my children by this point.

He just says it will happen, he can't find a ring he likes, he wants more money in the bank before a baby and marriage before baby. The age gap between children is already more than I would have liked.

I don't get why it isn't happening I am sick of waiting, have already decided if things don't come together this year I am off. But then I have a fabulous life maybe I should just ask myself why I am so concerned with marriage and babies.

OP posts:

SnowyPiglet · 14/05/2015 10:46

You are not unreasonable, and you are not a nutter! But 30 really isn't too old, and I have a nearly 10-year age gap between my children and it's fine too.
Time to be proactive though if it's really bugging you. If it important to him to get married before babies, it's fair enough and you should respect that. Do you have friends getting married? If so, that sometimes gets people in the mood for marriage. Don't give up yet, talk to him a lot more and perhaps try to set up a time-frame that suits both of you.

Original poster

Balanced12 · 14/05/2015 10:55

Thank you Snowypiglet, I shall consider time frames then I can bring it up I a none stroppy manner.

Do your children get on well with a 10 year gap?

OP posts:

fattymcfatfat · 14/05/2015 11:04

just going to jump in here. I am ten years older than my youngest brother and even after having my own family, moving out and him hitting his teens, we are still very close and he spends a night here once a week, more during school holidays.

I don't think you are an unreasonable nutter though! you definitely need to speak to your DP and explain that you thought your relationship would have moved forward by now and you want to take the next step. you both need to be willing to compromise if it's going to work.

Hippymama1 · 14/05/2015 11:04

Balanced12 do you feel that he is committed to you and that he is telling the truth when it comes to the ring, the money etc? Or do you feel that maybe he is having second thoughts and is making excuses?

Either way, I think you need to have a talk with him to completely understand his concerns and explain yours...

It is completely reasonable and understandable for you to want to get married and have another baby - you are not being unreasonable at all to want this.

It is also completely reasonable and understandable for DP to want to be married and in a secure financial position beforehand too...

If you can talk about it together and discuss mutually acceptable timeframes, would that be a good result for you?

30 is not old BTW - I didn't get married until I was 35 despite being with DH for years and am expecting DC1 at the moment at 36 - granted I don't have any younger children so don't have the age gap to worry about but you really do have plenty of time.

Good luck and I hope everything works out the way you want.

NRomanoff · 14/05/2015 11:27

Yanbu to want these things. Ywbu to keep hanging on if you think its never going to happen. You say you have been waiting years but how many? Its not unusual for people to have been together 2 years and not be married etc.

He really needs to be honest. Not being able to find the right thing is bollock, sorry. You need to have some sort of plan rather than vague plans. While you time now, you don't want to still be in this predicament in 5 years. You will then end up hating him. If her doesn't want these things then I think uts best you go your separate ways.

NRomanoff · 14/05/2015 11:29

Oh and I have an 8 year age gap in mine and I love it. They are so close. They couldn't be closer. It wasn't our preference but I wouldn't have it any other way now. So don't panic too much. How old is dd?

GlitterTwinkleToes · 14/05/2015 11:36

Please don't panic about age gaps of children. There is 20 years between me and my youngest brother.

I can understand your partner wanting more money, and trying to find the perfect ring for you and all that but you need to sit down and have a frank discussion with him about this. How much longer are you prepared to wait and would you leave him because of this?

Cherryapple1 · 14/05/2015 11:42

I wonder if his promises are never going to happen - don't waste your life on a man who will never make good on your dreams.

This isn't about age gaps - this is about a man promising you a future which may never happen and he just says it will to keep you quiet.

SnowyPiglet · 14/05/2015 11:42

Yes, my children get on really well! Older ds was really excited to have a little 'bro', & little one looks up to him no end. Tbh they didn't see an awful lot of each other when younger (different school times etc, & older one spending time with his father) but they are really close now. And we have a built-in babysitter! Older one is now 18 & loves imparting knowledge & giving school lessons to little one (esp history and maths) which is great for all of us!

mojo17 · 14/05/2015 11:51

Yes this is really the year to sit down quietly with hi.m and ask him about actual dates which is not unreasonable at all
Think about when you would want to be married and pregnant and go from there
Ask if he is stringing you along and actually doesn't want to get married and have babies with you because sure is looking like it you need to know in time to find someone else to give you want you need in life

Original poster

Balanced12 · 14/05/2015 20:22

I really appreciate the comments thank you I was expecting a be happy with what you got response.

I do think he means it when he says it will happen but I do also think he worries that it might all go astray. My DD is 5 we've been together 4 years, to me it feels like a life time. To me 4 years is long enough to know if are in or out !

OP posts:

NRomanoff · 14/05/2015 20:28

Yep I think 4 years is enough to know.

Although after 4 years with dh we were married and had a baby. so feel free to ignore me.

After 4 years, some of these things need to start materializing. You are still young but you can't wait forever. You need to speak to him. He is being sensible about wanting to be secure, but you need a plan to get there. You can't keep floating along. The bit about finding the right ring, is odd though.

saturnvista · 14/05/2015 23:15

It's not fair of him to agree to something but then effectively run out on the agreement by being tyrannical about the time frame. The ring is a non-issue because I'm sure you would rather be treated reasonably on the big issues. I think what he's doing is not treating you respectfully. He's in danger of taking you for granted and being so intent on lining up his ducks that he'll find the biggest duck has flown before he's ready to go...so to speak!

To everyone telling you not to panic about the time frame. Well absolutely don't panic but you haven't necessarily got masses of time and you both need to be aware of that. I've heard of too many instances of women who were persuaded to leave it later, only to find themselves going through gruelling IVF (and when that didn't work, losing the partner to a younger woman who could bear children!). Don't let your life be held up for the want of an engagement ring. Shouldn't it be one that you like, anyway?!

icelollycraving · 14/05/2015 23:21

I think it's fine to have in your head that you want marriage & more DC. Is he feeling pressure? Does he know you want to marry him though,not that you want to get married?

Happybodybunny12 · 14/05/2015 23:31

Not sure op.

You have you say a wonderful partner who loves you and your dd.

You are 30... I had a ten year gap between my older and younger 2. They are 25/24/16/15. All adore each. I was 36 for dc3. You are young.

Still I can't agree with those effectively saying LTB for some dream of marriage and future children when you have a loving partner and child here,now in RL.

Happybodybunny12 · 14/05/2015 23:33

Posted too soon. Surely if you love him you want kids with him? So what would leaving achieve? Kids with a future mythical mr right?

MillionToOneChances · 14/05/2015 23:37

My children have a big age gap with their half-sisters at their dad's. 8 and 9 years from our eldest to his two. They worship one another.

Coyoacan · 14/05/2015 23:41

Whao, I wouldn't break up a relationship where there is love and a child involved as easily as people are telling you too. I'm usually quite quick to say LTB but I really don't understand how quick everyone has been to tell you to do it in this case. Because it is not just you, it is your dd who will also be affected. And if you didn't love him I would say leave and dd will get over it, but really your poor child. He wouldn't even have any parental rights, their relationship would just suddenly come to a stop.

Happybodybunny12 · 14/05/2015 23:43

Indeed ^^

NRomanoff · 15/05/2015 05:45

If the OP wants marriage and more kids, and he is fobbing her off. Yes I think she should leave. This is what she needs to find out. Is it something ge really wants. Because if he doesn't she will end up resenting him, for stringing her along and wasting years of her life. So yes I think she should think carefully and if she isn't convinced its will every happen she needs to pick between him and these things she feels she needs.

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